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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Cheating or not?

30 replies

Kayleighxox · 05/10/2023 13:43

a few months ago i went on my partners phone just because of the way he was with it always taking it with him everywhere, always having it on silent, and always glued to it every minute of the day. Anyway I found some things on there which I didn’t like - one being him messaging prostitutes. I confronted him about it, we split up and argued like hell about it. A month or so down the line I forgave him (well still working on it) things seems better for a couple of weeks then he was secretive again and accused me of being secretive with mine! (I wasn’t and happily let him go through it there and then)
Ive just found more recent messages of him asking prositututes if they are free and that he just wants a “blow & go” (with the times on the texts it’s usually when he’s driving home from work) I’ve confronted him and told him I can’t do this anymore however he seems to think he hasn’t done anything wrong because he never actually went.

has anyone ever been on a situation like this, I really don’t know what to do, looking at him makes me feel seriously sick right now. I have 2 children to think about (they are not his) but we have moved 200 miles away from our home to be with him and literally have no idea how we will get by financially on our own. I work as much as I can already.
I just can’t believe he would do this to me after everything I’ve done for him and everything I gave up back home to be with him.
any advice would be appreciated, first time posting here but I guess I just needed somewhere to turn to

OP posts:
Mamoun · 05/10/2023 13:49

He didn't manage to meet one this time but of course at the next opportunity he will.
Start getting your ducks in a row and leave asap.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 05/10/2023 13:50

He's messaging prostitutes, of course it's cheating. He was caught, called out on it and has carried on. He will continue to do this throughout your relationship. You know this is over. Take your kids and go back home, you deserve better.

Olika · 05/10/2023 13:51

I haven't been in a situation like yours but I couldn't continue being with him. He obviously would use prostitutes if he managed to find one free at the time.

BethDuttonsTwin · 05/10/2023 13:52

He does go to them as you well know and you need to leave this disgusting arsehole as soon as possible. I'm sorry for you. Been in similar situation and I should have ended much sooner than I did.

Dayhee · 05/10/2023 13:53

End it and Go back home.

Milliondollars · 05/10/2023 13:55

How many times are you going to catch him before believing it? Whatever your finances I don’t think you should stay with him. He sounds disgusting.

Blough · 05/10/2023 13:57

Get yourself and your kids away from this vile specimen. Your kids should be nowhere near a man who views women so disgustingly and thinks he can buy consent. Prioritise them in future and raise your standards significantly before even considering dating again.

GilberMarkham · 05/10/2023 14:08

however he seems to think he hasn’t done anything wrong because he never actually went.

Well that's clearly total bullshit.

He thinks...

Who gives a fuck what he thinks.

You can end a relationship for any reason you like ...eh It's not making you happy, the other person is acting disrespectfully and inappropriately etc etc.

Who would be happy in a relationship with behaviour like this? Noone I know.

Even if he hadn't followed through on meeting a prostitute, it's incredibly inappropriate behaviour in a relationship. But they usually lie about not meeting them anyway.

AyeDeadOn · 05/10/2023 14:11

You and your kids will never have the life you deserve with this man. Don't you want a partner? Cos a true partner in life does not message prostitutes (and as iffff he hasn't visited them too), nor do they gaslight you that they've done nothing wrong when they know bloody well they have. Like how come the conversation "how was your day, darling" " nothing out of the ordinary dear, just messaged some prostitutes saying I wanted a blowjob on the way home. What did you get up to?" has never in the history of humanity happened?

Deargodletitgo · 05/10/2023 14:12

Stay, as long as you don't mind him getting BJ's off prostitutes.

SlippinJanie · 05/10/2023 14:18

The relationship is over. He has no respect for you whatsoever. Do what you have to do to get a life without this scumbag in it.

SpringleDingle · 05/10/2023 14:21

🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢
He is totally giving me the ick. He is totally cheating. Blow & Go 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

GilberMarkham · 05/10/2023 14:22

we have moved 200 miles away from our home to be with him and literally have no idea how we will get by financially on our own. I work as much as I can already

Can you manage better financially if you move back?

xxchinese · 05/10/2023 14:25

Definitely cheating shouldn't be wanting sexual favours of anyone else but you

Original poster
Kayleighxox · 05/10/2023 14:31

Thanks for the comments-

i have ended the relationship as soon as I found out, I told him I didn’t want to be with someone like this and that’s when he gave it “but I didn’t go, it didn’t mean anything”. “I love you and the kids i can’t loose you” and soooo on…

i think I’m just in shock that the person you think wouldn’t do such thing to you, actually has!

I run a business here which means if I was to move back I’d have to start up from scratch building my customers back up. That’s not my issue at the moment my issue is finding private rented house and actually moving on my own. I have family up there that would help me but we can’t stay with them for the meanwhile until we find somewhere so it’s a matter of finding somewhere for us to live before we even get back up there. My rent here is ridiculous amounts that I can’t pay on one income (we’ve always had two income household).

OP posts:
Specso · 05/10/2023 14:41

He’s been messaging prostitutes asking for a ‘blow and go’ 🤢

If my partner did that I wouldn’t be able to stand the idea of him touching me ever again.

You’re right to end it and plan to get out of there into your own place asap.

I’m sorry but he doesn’t really love you or your kids if he’s doing things like this. He’s a selfish twat.

HoneyBadgerMom · 05/10/2023 15:02

So he's unfaithful, manipulative and a liar. This will not get better with time.

Tinklyheadtilt · 05/10/2023 15:50

Seriously wtf. Get rid of this loser. Of course it is cheating, he is messaging hookers!

user1483387154 · 05/10/2023 16:04

Any behaviour a partner undertakes that they would not be comfortable doing infront of their partner is very dodgy ground. Yes if its porn, they are open to say they use it, but their partner is aware etc.

LouH21 · 05/10/2023 16:37

I had it with my ex, constantly finding out about him messaging other women and it was always ‘but I never actually met her’ so therefore said he’s ‘never cheated’. The I love yous are emotional manipulation…if he really loved you and the kids he wouldn’t have done it on the first place.

user27092023 · 05/10/2023 22:06

Leave him. There is no future here. You and your kids deserve better than this. Even if he genuinely never went, the intention was there. And there'll be at least one time where he WILL go.

I would have left him the first time he was messaging those women. He clearly has no respect for you. Don't be one of those women in 10 years time stuck in a relationship with someone who has repeatedly cheated on you, because that is what will happen.

Get out now whilst you still can.

Mamma2017 · 05/10/2023 22:20

Yep been here and trust me it’ll be the tip of the iceberg. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Leave asap. 💐

Gamezup · 05/10/2023 23:28

As @Mamma2017 has rightly said, it'll be the tip of the iceberg. Once a punter always a punter, as I found out to my detriment. Ignore his bullshit lies, just get out as soon as you can and don't be tempted to ever get back with him.

Playingintheshadow · 05/10/2023 23:32

He's disgusting. You deserve better. He has no respect for you and he never will.

Let him pay for his sexual experiences. Get rid.

Cecilisacaterpillar · 06/10/2023 00:08

I would be on Rightmove as we speak OP, however much upheaval and scrimping is required to move back home it's still going to be better than staying with a punter. And he is a punter, they all say they 'never went through with it' but it's bullshit.