Which tolerable level of unhappiness do I choose?

[Mothmum]

So DH and I have seperated. (Currently live together but, should we?) We've always been the best of friends and make great companions and coparents. I absolutely love him to bits but when I'm brave enough to be completely honest, I am not in love with him. We've been together my whole adult life, he's 100% my family. But we've had sex maybe 20 times in 20 years. None for the last 4 years. He has no sex drive.

I came out as gay 2 years ago, but I felt like I love him so much, if he could find that "spark" then we could make it work. But no spark has appeared. I'm not 100% if I'm a lesbian or if it was just a kinder,easier way to have a way out (the ultimate not you its me) I'm definitely at least bi and I cant imagine ever wanting to be with a man (the older I get the more jaded I am to the idea). But I cant rule out meeting a man, I find them attractive.

But I love him so much and the kids would be disrupted by us living seperated. Cant I just suck it up? I'm happy 90% of the time but the 10% is so lonely and unfulfilled (and resentful😔). But the friendship we have is so good!

What if I regret it? What if i could have made it work? Is it just incredibly selfish to split my happy family up because I want romance? I know I'll have to live with the unhappiness of a romance-less life if we stay "together" but if we separate surely the unhappiness of the loss of our relationship as it is, is horrible too.

Maybe we should just live together as friends and coparents. But I do worry that will stop me meeting anyone else. That I wont feel emotionally seperated.

Any input at all would be so appreciated. Thank you

surely breaking up was you deciding not to be together so why are you still living together as if you are? it seems like you can't let go of the relationship a bit and you're too afraid to actually complete the final step of the break up 🤷🏻‍♀️ why would you even want to live with your ex? move on with your life!

How old are the children?

Honestly, I'm of the age where lots have divorced due to not being ' in love' and I'm not convinced any of them are happy (the ones that divorced for other reasons are) they seem to have sacrificed the largest part of being happy for the smallest.

Financially, it will be hard to live apart. And I've lived with him all my adult life, and I like him a lot. And the kids get both parents, full time. Feels selfish to seperate when I'm pretty happy most of the time, i feel like maybe romance isn't for me this lifetime.

This is my fear. I might never meet anyone else, it's not guaranteed that I'll have a great romance. What if I throw away our companionship for some fantasy.

If you're separated, then you have the right to look for another relationship.

You just need to manage it carefully, if you want to preserve the illusion for your children that you're still together. (Although how are you doing this if you're separated - what story are you 'spinning' them as, presumably, you're no longer sharing a bedroom, or even a married life, i.e. doing things together as a partnership/family?)

It sounds like you haven’t fully separated. If you had, you could be out there dating. It’s really hard being in limbo, probably worse than fully being together or fully being apart. Is it possible for you to formally separate (including telling the kids) whilst still living together? If not then living apart (but hopefully really nearby and still being collaborative with the kids) might be necessary.

Personally I think that romance and being ‘in love’ are less important than stability, companionship etc. But then I’m not you. If this is an important urge for you, you can’t just wish it away.

Is anyone happy 100% of the time?
I’m not clear what the current set up is - do you share a bedroom, have you told the children, is it clear you are both free to see other people?

Seperate rooms. Told the older DC. I've been on a date but felt weird about it. We're so emotionally enmeshed still, it made me feel like I was doing something wrong. Even though he has said he wants me to be happy and accepts me dating and moving on. I think I'm being a coward and cant move forward with proper separation as I'm scared it will be worse, but also scared to feel like life is passing me by. Also scared resentment will build and then ruin the good thing we have. I'm doing my own head in with it.

I just read your headline and my immediate response was "none".

But I cant work out what that would look like.

Even if you do meet the woman of your dreams and settle down, eventually it will become a normal, boring, adult relationship.

Only you can determine which sacrifice is better for you. The grass is rarely greener on the other side, though, and you're blowing up your family for "romance," which is fleeting in the best of cases.

You nailed it: you could be blowing up your life for a fantasy.

I will also say this: women aren't near as looks-focused as men are. Women can find romance with other women at any age. So, staying until your kids are grown does not mean you lose all chance to find romance. If you were talking about men, I would have a different answer, because men value youth and beauty whereas women actually care about the kind of person they're with. I'm not suggesting waiting is the right thing to do, because I honestly don't know, only you can answer that. I'm just putting it out there as maybe another thing to consider.

You're in a tough spot, I really feel for you.

Have you considered some talking therapy? I suggest that because I think you could be happier in your current set up if you reframed the living together as a willing sacrifice you were happy to make whilst your children were still living at home, but which you could reconsider once they had left home?

Obviously this wouldn't work if your DH was a total bastard or abusive, but if he is someone you get on with and like, then living with him as a friend and parking the romantic side of you for a few years sounds like a fairly pragmatic and sensible decision.

But if she is a lesbian and she goes from a relationship with a man to one with a woman then the grass will most likely be greener.

But what about him? Is he going to be happy to stay together "for the kids" and then split up at whatever age to start again? Or should OP withhold this information from him?

I really recommend this graphic novel, it speaks to the dilemma you are facing:
https://www.theguardian.com/books/2022/jan/03/walk-me-to-the-corner-by-anneli-furmark-review-brief-encounter-for-the-digital-age

V much agree with the poster who suggests finding a good therapist. I think you need to work out what's important to you.

Ahh I totally understand your dilemma here. Mine is similar, but approached from a slightly different angle. My husband is happy for me to explore my sexuality with women (MN will judge, but it’s what works for us, after much much communication) and in doing that I’ve realised I’m probably a lesbian and not bisexual. I have a great FWB type arrangement with another women in a similar situation, but, as that relationship has developed I’ve found my marriage to be really really tested.

My husband and I are great friends, great co-parents, great housemates etc., but I just find the physical/sexual attraction is not there for me anymore. I have thought about whether I should leave him, but ultimately he is the person I would choose to do ‘life’ with. My other relationship is amazing, and exciting, because we don’t do all the boring household shit together.

Not all relationships need to conform to the traditional ones we’ve held up on a pedestal. And it’s hard for one person to meet all your needs for your whole life.

(I think the key thing for us, is we have excellent communication, and both have really good therapists - I definitely recommend both of these things)

Thank you for all the replies. Youngest is 4, so feels like a long time to hold on for the kids.

But also feels impossible to imagine 14 more years of parenting, separately.

Leave.

There's a lot of wisdom in that last sentence.

Thing about waiting, is we're not promised tomorrow. So much can happen. like illness, redundancy, financial problems, death, disability that can change our futures/opportunities.

If your youngest is 4, it’s too long to hold
on, IMO.

Plus your older kids are currently keeping things from the youngest, if they know you are dating. How long is that feasible?

I think that sometimes the hardest thing to do is also the best thing to do.

Could you sit down with your husband and tell him how you truly feel?

That you love him so much still, that he’s the person who you want to do life with, that you don’t want to be apart, that you want to raise your kids together.

That you don’t want to wait until the kids are grown to have good regular sex, that you can’t imagine being with a man again, that you are struggling with the idea of dating without his blessing because you’re still so close emotionally.

I feel like that honesty could get you to a place of an open relationship where you could both sleep with other people but still be each other’s person. Hard perhaps, but given that he’s living with you and telling you to go ahead and date, that feels like he’s halfway there himself.

It feels like that conversation would have a lot to gain and nothing to lose….

Stay with him. Happy 90% of the time is more than most marriages

My thought was, she says he has no sex drive. He's not interested in sex with her, he was happy with the co-parents and friends situation. (I thought, if I am wrong, please do correct me) I thought he had already established that he was fine with that arrangement, and she was the one who was looking for more romance. She should absolutely not withhold that information, seeing as they were separated I assumed she'd come out to him. And the sad truth is, men don't ever "expire." Men can find a young woman at any age. Women are far more limited if they're wanting to be with a man.