Which tolerable level of unhappiness do I choose?

[Mothmum]

So DH and I have seperated. (Currently live together but, should we?) We've always been the best of friends and make great companions and coparents. I absolutely love him to bits but when I'm brave enough to be completely honest, I am not in love with him. We've been together my whole adult life, he's 100% my family. But we've had sex maybe 20 times in 20 years. None for the last 4 years. He has no sex drive.

I came out as gay 2 years ago, but I felt like I love him so much, if he could find that "spark" then we could make it work. But no spark has appeared. I'm not 100% if I'm a lesbian or if it was just a kinder,easier way to have a way out (the ultimate not you its me) I'm definitely at least bi and I cant imagine ever wanting to be with a man (the older I get the more jaded I am to the idea). But I cant rule out meeting a man, I find them attractive.

But I love him so much and the kids would be disrupted by us living seperated. Cant I just suck it up? I'm happy 90% of the time but the 10% is so lonely and unfulfilled (and resentful😔). But the friendship we have is so good!

What if I regret it? What if i could have made it work? Is it just incredibly selfish to split my happy family up because I want romance? I know I'll have to live with the unhappiness of a romance-less life if we stay "together" but if we separate surely the unhappiness of the loss of our relationship as it is, is horrible too.

Maybe we should just live together as friends and coparents. But I do worry that will stop me meeting anyone else. That I wont feel emotionally seperated.

Any input at all would be so appreciated. Thank you

IF she meets someone. She's saying that she's hesitant because she isn't sure. It doesn't sound like she's ever had a relationship with a woman before. I'm a stranger on the internet, of course, and so I can't hardly know much beyond what's posted here, but I kind of wonder if she's not romanticizing that relationship the way many people romanticize their affairs; it's exciting and romantic because it doesn't involve the day to day grind of life.

What does your DH think your relationship currently is? I’m not 100% clear what the barriers are to you having an open marriage/coparenting whilst dating others. If he’s on board that you’re not a couple, just flatmates, then can’t you do what you want?

But would he be happy signing up for it until the kids leave home, or is he thinking he's signing up for it for life?

I thought happy 90% of the time was pretty good going for most marriages? Granted the sexual attraction is another matter that might mean it needs to end, but if you can work out something between you that gives you some freedom to explore this then it might not be worth blowing the whole thing up.

I don't know, but they should definitely discuss it openly so he can make an informed choice. No matter what she decides, I hope she's open with her husband about it.

Separation doesn’t have to be a huge drama. Kids cope fine.

If it makes financial sense to share the house and you can both manage it fairly happily then do that, but be clear with your kids you are no longer a couple. You need to have separate rooms.

Better option is what is tweely called nesting - each of you takes a week in the house and a week in a 1 bed flat you rent.

Either way, you are both free to have new relationships.

Please don’t kid yourself this marriage can be saved, it’s dead as a dodo. Best for everyone to move on.

@category12 hit the nail on the head for me, we are not promised tomorrow. If you were - god forbid! - to find yourself on your deathbed in five years time, what do you think you would have wished you had done right now? That's a question I ask myself a lot.

The best alternative I can think is if you moved somewhere close by. Just because you're not together doesn't mean you can't still be great friends and co-parents, but if you want to find love again you need privacy, it would be unfair to bring new partners into the house with the ex and kids there. I would worry that staying there would only leave you resentful down the line. Much better to have two happy parents who get on and have their own fulfilling lives.

Perhaps talk to your ex, it sounds like you have good communication. I'm sure he also wants to find love again, what does he think about the current situation and how you can both move on to other relationships?