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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

texting and affair

48 replies

gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 10:01

My DH has been having an affair with an old friend of his since Christmas. That is, I know they had sex around Christmas and then stopped. But, he still texts her all the time. He says it’s over and they’re friends again, all back to normal. Obviously there’s lots going on here (like I previously had an affair, our marriage is in pieces) but I just wanted to know one simple thing which is: is the texting a continuation of the affair, even if it isn’t about sex? What do you think.

OP posts:
Whattodowithit88 · 05/10/2023 10:06

Well yes. If the partner was that important to them, they would have no problem cutting contact with the affair person. However if they continue the “friendship” even though it hurts their partner, they’re clearly more concerned about how the person they slept with feels over how their partner feels.

Priorities.

Daffodil18 · 05/10/2023 10:08

Yes as it wouldn’t be long before it starts physical again. You had an affair but I presume you aren’t speaking with your AP so why is he?

Original poster
gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 10:09

It’s a mess and we’re wondering what to do. To my mind he’s still in his infidelity, but he doesn’t think so. Interested to know what you think, even despite the fact we’re probably breaking up. It’s really obsessing me.

OP posts:
Lostsoul2023 · 05/10/2023 10:13

“All back to normal now” eh no this isnt normal, your DH had sex with someone is he is continually texting and you yourself had an affair. Thats not a normal marriage sorry!!

Original poster
gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 10:15

I just wanted your view on my question!

OP posts:
obje · 05/10/2023 10:37

gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 10:15

I just wanted your view on my question!

That's what you're getting??

I don't think any woman would be happy with their DH texting and continuing a friendship with an AP that they shagged behind her back. Personally I'd consider it cheating.

However the wider context is relevant. He stayed with you after you cheated. He then physically cheated and you stayed.

Not many people would consider this 'normal' or would want to stay in this type of marriage so it's hard to say.

If my DH was doing this id leave. But then I wouldn't have cheated on him in the first place so I wouldn't be doing the tit for tat that you seem to be doing

Original poster
gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 10:39

I know. We’re at a last ditch place. This is something that came up in counselling (we have kids).

OP posts:
FairyMaclary · 05/10/2023 10:49

Yes he’s still cheating. He can’t ‘go back to normal’. That’s not possible. He needs to break contact and never speak to her again.

Have you addressed why allowed yourself to cheat? Why you broke your own vows? The real reasons not superficial ones. Are you still in contact with the other man?

Have you read how to help my spouse heal after my affair? And Not just friends?

The surviving infidelity forum is excellent.

Your only option is to get yourself out of infidelity and that is by not being with a man who is getting his ego kibbles from his old friend. If he won’t ditch her then the only way to get yourself out of infidelity is by telling him infidelity isn’t acceptable in your marriage and in order to have a strong marriage you both need to put up correct boundaries, this means you are not sharing him with another woman as that is unacceptable.

Are you using a Gottman counsellor?

FairyMaclary · 05/10/2023 10:55

Also marriage counselling should occur after individual counselling - the marriage didn’t cheat. You broke your own vows and boundaries. Once you both know why you can then work out if you have a future.

If he doesn’t realise why texting her is wrong then he has done no work at all. Without the work you won’t fix your marriage you will both be wide open to a repeat.

I assume his was tit for tat with a willing fwb? Poor move for many reasons but mainly as now he should cut her out of his life if he wants to save his family.

Dayhee · 05/10/2023 11:03

Presumably your marriage is not good and you stay for the kids?

its not right that he continues to do this no. Emotional affairs are just as bad as physical ones.

What is stopping you both splitting up?

sodthesodoff · 05/10/2023 11:21

Why how kind of him to declare it's all back to normal

There's a lot to unpick here.

What do you want? You seem very passive in your posts.

But no. He had an affair. If he wants to make any sort of amends the least he should be doing to reassure you is fucking cut contact. Presumably you also have no contact with your ex affair partner?

Original poster
gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 11:29

Yes, my affair was not sexual, more just a friendship that got too emotionally close. It was a long time ago now and we’re not in touch any more.

OP posts:
Tinklyheadtilt · 05/10/2023 11:30

He needs to cut contact if he wants to save the marriage. The question is, do you want to save it?

Original poster
gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 11:31

Honestly if we didn’t have children no. But it feels fair to them to give it every last go

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 05/10/2023 11:40

gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 11:31

Honestly if we didn’t have children no. But it feels fair to them to give it every last go

Well he's not though is he? Is he doing everything he can? Or is it just you doing everything?

Sorry I don't think you can move on. He's physically cheated. And more than that, has put her friendship above you and your family.

If he wanted to reassure you. If he wanted to stay together for the kids. He'd be doing everything he could.

But no. Being 'friends' with this woman is more important

You can't fight for a marriage on your own.

Fahbeep · 05/10/2023 11:41

I think you need relationship counselling to decide if you want to be together, whether it is a closed or open marriage, and what rules you both have to follow for it to work if it's open. Closed marriages just have one rule - no cheating! So easier to navigate. Yours sounds more complicated than that though. Or you separate, as neither of you is clear about or respecting the others emotional boundaries at the moment. Good luck!

Original poster
gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 11:44

Would you give up on this marriage? He also cheated at the start, but that was a long time ago. I forgave him as he said it was a one off

OP posts:
Original poster
gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 11:45

I’ve often thought he should have been a nice 2yr relationship and not a multi-decade mess.

OP posts:
chickstock · 05/10/2023 11:46

I would not want him in contact if you're both giving the marriage a chance.

sodthesodoff · 05/10/2023 11:48

gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 11:44

Would you give up on this marriage? He also cheated at the start, but that was a long time ago. I forgave him as he said it was a one off

I don't think any of us can answer for you. You have to live with your decision

But I'd just draw your attention to what you've already told us.

He cheated more than once. He said it was a one off. But it wasn't.

What does he say when you ask him to cut contact with his affair partner? This is the biggest disrespect for me. Honestly. He can't put your feelings first?

You can't save a marriage on your own. And I don't see any evidence he's trying to do anything to make this work.

For me, yes I would walk away. He's showing you such disrespect. He's lied. Hes cheated more than once. He's put another woman ahead of you and your children.

What do you think though? Do you think you deserve this? Why don't you think you deserve someone who puts you first?

BoohooWoohoo · 05/10/2023 11:50

Of course he's being disloyal by not ending his attachment to her.

Fahbeep · 05/10/2023 11:51

Just to be clear though, his cheating is way worse than yours. Downgrading a physical affair to an emotional affair, which is what it is given the history, is still actively conducting an affair, and it could easily go physical again, if it hasn't already. If you want monogamy, surely he has to go NC with the OW.

crostini · 05/10/2023 11:56

You didn't even cheat on him, not really. And he's cheated for the second time (that you're aware of) and is still in regular contact. Move on!!

Original poster
gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 11:56

It’s not so easy to move on @crostini with little kids and not much money

OP posts:
seriousquestioncoming · 05/10/2023 12:03

gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 11:56

It’s not so easy to move on @crostini with little kids and not much money

If it's something you want, separation, but are suppressing that feeling out of fear of poverty, perhaps speak to Women's Aid for advice about how to leave the relationship.