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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

texting and affair

48 replies

gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 10:01

My DH has been having an affair with an old friend of his since Christmas. That is, I know they had sex around Christmas and then stopped. But, he still texts her all the time. He says it’s over and they’re friends again, all back to normal. Obviously there’s lots going on here (like I previously had an affair, our marriage is in pieces) but I just wanted to know one simple thing which is: is the texting a continuation of the affair, even if it isn’t about sex? What do you think.

OP posts:

AutumnAuntie · 05/10/2023 12:12

An emotional affair is as bad as a physical one. This DH sounds as if he’s doing/done both with this woman.

partypant · 05/10/2023 12:12

This union doesn't sound great tbh. He's cheated twice. You've sought emotional support elsewhere. It's hard to split but the alternative is a really crap relationship that's going ti drag you down

sodthesodoff · 05/10/2023 12:16

gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 11:56

It’s not so easy to move on @crostini with little kids and not much money

I don't think anyone who's split up with little kids and no money would say it was easy. But it's possible. And some would argue better for your sanity than staying with someone continuing an emotional affair under your very nose.

Womens aid if you need help. Or the countless women here who've already trodden that path can help.

Are you saying you're only staying in the marriage because you don't feel you can leave? Because that's also not a good foundation to for the marriage.

Original poster

gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 12:21

Not exactly that. I suppose I like our life, the functional surface bit. It’s just the connection that’s wrong.

OP posts:

Mrsttcno1 · 05/10/2023 13:10

I honestly don’t know what I really think of this. I think the context is important, as in you say this woman is an old friend of his, if they had been simply friends for many many years, and then he slept with her as a reaction to your affair one time, and then they went back to being friends, I wouldn’t necessarily say that’s a continuation of an affair as I wouldn’t say there’s been an affair there, more just he has cheated, slept with someone else. If that was the situation, although I wouldn’t be okay with it, I probably wouldn’t expect him to cut off a decades long friendship because they had sex once?

However if he really did start an affair with this woman and was sneaking around, dating her, sleeping with her regularly etc, then yes I would say he needs to cut contact.

But in reality, you’re both as bad as each other and I can’t see a marriage working at that stage. He isn’t going to give up something that makes him happy in some way (his friendship with her) to make you happy because his priorities and yours don’t seem to lie within your marriage, hence 2 affairs.

itsmyp4rty · 05/10/2023 13:18

So he had an affair early on, then you had an emotional affair - I'm guessing you weren't happy in the marriage? Now he's had an affair but has down graded it to an emotional affair and thinks that downgrade makes it ok? It wasn't ok when you had an emotional affair so why would it be ok for him to downgrade his affair to 'just' an emotional one.

It doesn't sound like you've been happy in this for a long time and I wouldn't be surprised if there have been others between his first affair and this one. I also wouldn't be surprised if they're back to having sex again as soon as the upset dies down.

It sounds like you both want to stay for the kids at least but are you happy to settle for that?

Spartak · 05/10/2023 13:22

I think your marriage is toxic and it would be better for everyone, including the children if you ended it.

sodthesodoff · 05/10/2023 14:44

gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 12:21

Not exactly that. I suppose I like our life, the functional surface bit. It’s just the connection that’s wrong.

So the superficial stuff is nice. But the actual connection bit that keeps you together isn't?

I don't know why you'd want to stay in a relationship like this?

Also it's worth remembering the connection bit is the thing you need when you hit rough patches. It's what keeps you together.

You've already both sought emotional support elsewhere. You're not his priority and if I'm honest I don't think he's yours.

Choose to stay and work on it because you love each other. Not because you like the lifestyle

Original poster

gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 18:49

I’m not sure about love any more

OP posts:

BadHairAtFestivals · 05/10/2023 20:49

Texting may not be a continuation of the affair but it is showing a complete lack of commitment or any understanding of what is needed of him to save your marriage. He needs to cut all ties. Recovering from an affair takes a lot of hard work, introspection, humility, talking and honesty. It's a tough road, and needs commitment on both sides.

Original poster

gloriousrose · 05/10/2023 21:15

:-(

OP posts:

Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/10/2023 21:19

Whattodowithit88

has nailed it
he’s more bothered about her feelings right now I’m afraid
so yeah he’s not fucking her
but ….

PrimalOwl10 · 05/10/2023 21:21

Both of you have cheated and don't value this marriage to be faithful cut your loses and split.

junbean · 05/10/2023 21:22

The continuation is an emotional affair, I think that's the label you're looking for. So yes he's still in it.

Jk987 · 05/10/2023 21:31

I don't think the sex has stopped at all. Why would they only do it at Christmas and then stop? All whilst still texting each other?

user27092023 · 05/10/2023 22:11

I wouldn't necessarily call it cheating, but it's definitely not appropriate if he wants to save the marriage.

Let's say that they are simply just friends. Who's to say it won't cross that line again if they have such a good emotional connection? If he valued the marriage, he would cut her off completely.

And since you cheated in the past, I am going to assume that maybe you feel like you can't say anything to him? If so, I'm telling you that you can. Yes, you cheated. But he CHOSE to forgive you so that needs to be put in the past. Him cheating is a standalone issue. Are you really okay with him being so chummy with the woman he cheated on you with?

It all sounds very toxic to me. I would tell him to cut contact. His reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know.

shieldmaiden7 · 05/10/2023 22:28

I couldn't stay in a marriage where my DH continued contact with the AP. It's still cheating. Whats stopping them from doing it again if they are constantly in contact and reminding each other what they did.
But I know first hand how hard it is to walk away when you have young kids. It took me 5 years to find the courage. So I wish you all the best OP. I hope you find your happiness x

Thewookiemustgo · 06/10/2023 00:26

It’s your marriage OP and you can choose to leave or stay, it’s your life and your choice.
However, he crossed a huge, huge boundary with this woman and of you stand any chance of saving what’s left of the marriage, he has to explain to her that the affair is over for good, and out of respect for you he won’t see, call or message her ever again.
Total permanent non-contact is the only way forward. He’s still in this affair OP, he wants to hang on to her and still have you, too.
It’s a huge, enormous no from me, you’ll never have a minute’s peace and constantly wonder what they are messaging to each other, if they’ve secretly met, and why he needs to stay in touch. He now must get rid of her for good and prioritises you. Or it’s over.
He doesn’t get to hang onto you and his “friend”. You know deep down why he’s still in touch with her, it’s high time he stopped or made a choice. I’d make one for him OP, he’s behaving appallingly at present. You can’t rebuild after an affair if the third party is still hanging around. Don’t let him do this to you.

Toenailz · 06/10/2023 07:47

I think the whole things a mess and you should split and both move on.

UpsideDownside · 06/10/2023 09:30

To answer your initial question, yes, it is still cheating.

But I'm not sure that's really the right question. You have both sought and emotional and/or physical relationship outside the marriage at some point, yet you function well as a household team.

Society (and religion) teach us that monogamy is the only way, and this is what we promise when we marry. But if it suits you both, it doesn't have to be the way that society and/or religion dictate.

If there's no underlying connection between you, are you bothered that he's getting that connection somewhere else? Would it be ok for him to get that connection somewhere else if it was agreed that you could get it somewhere else too? And if it still suits you both to live together and raise kids together as one household, then as long as all parties are happy, that could be an option?

UpsideDownside · 07/10/2023 13:16

Sorry OP, I think I killed your thread

Original poster

gloriousrose · 07/10/2023 16:44

Ah don’t worry, there’s only so much people can say

OP posts:

BoneAppyTee · 07/10/2023 20:00

open relationship?

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