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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think we might be breaking up

50 replies

SadBadApple · 04/10/2023 23:49

My partner and I have been together 5 years since we were 19 & 20. We’ve lived together 3 years and recently moved 400 miles for my job. I am finding the new job very difficult and he hasn’t found a job yet. He’s looking but he can be useless at times as he’ll apply and then miss the email inviting him to interview for example. He’s really intelligent but can’t seem to utilise it properly. This was fine at uni but I’m getting fed up.

All the mental load has always fallen to me and now the financial burden is on me too. He makes promises (like he’ll get any job rather than focusing on a grad job) and doesn’t keep them. I feel like he’s constantly letting me down. He never gets presents for my birthdays or Christmas despite me buying thoughtful gifts for him.

He has ADHD but had meds once and then didn’t organise the next appointment with the psychiatrist so he hasn’t had them since. I feel like I’m mothering him and to be honest, since starting work I can’t do it anymore. I am drowning and I’m not well. I myself have ADHD and autism and I just can’t take him letting me down anymore as it makes coming home stressful.

I’ve warned him and he promises to be better and is better for a while but then it slips again. I feel like I’m being awful as I know he needs help but I don’t know how long this can keep going. He used to be the only person I could be myself around, my safe space, my home. But I’m feeling irritated with him whilst terrified of what the future would look like without him.

We were meant to be getting married but he never organised the ring. Despite him asking me and genuinely wanting to marry me. We were hoping to have children in a couple of years. We have shared pets, a fully entwined life. I don’t know how I go about breaking it apart.

I feel so sad but I’ve asked him to sleep on the sofa tonight. I’m just confused about it all, is this the end?

OP posts:
Mari9999 · 05/10/2023 00:10

@SadBadApple
Do you need a ring to get married? Given your other issues a ring shouldn't even make it to the table as a complaint.

Do you want to marry a man with no job and no prospects? I think that you have pretty much reached your own answer to that question. You do seem to be questioning your ability to be yourself without him. If being yourself involves taking care of a man with no ambition or drive then you might be over rating the benefits of being younger.

If you truly want this man, I would suggest putting him out and telling him that you will see him again when he has worked 6 months on a full time job.

Opentooffers · 05/10/2023 00:10

Tell him how you feel. Let him know you think it is coming to an end. Then, the choice is his, either he steps up or he doesn't, in which case he's had fair warning.

RogueFemale · 05/10/2023 00:12

Nothing you say suggests this relationship has any future. You sound really miserable and unhappy, and understandably so. You deserve better than this, and you are so very very young that I guarantee you'll find someone new and better.

Original poster
SadBadApple · 05/10/2023 00:14

He did work the past couple of years but in hospitality. We’ve both just finished training courses, I’ve done a 6 year degree and he moved 400 miles for me. The plan was for him to get a ‘proper job’ but it hasn’t happened yet @Mari9999

I don’t need a ring personally but his family said we need one… they’re very traditional.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadBadApple · 05/10/2023 00:18

Thank you @Opentooffers I do care about him and worry us breaking up would make him even worse and he might never sort himself out mentally.

Thanks @RogueFemale I’m 25 now and very used to being settled. I don’t know if it’s the big move that’s shaken him but he just seems paralysed. I can’t imagine starting again but I’m working 45 hours a week in a demanding job whilst he’s not really doing anything.

OP posts:
Original poster
SadBadApple · 05/10/2023 00:23

I came home to the house a mess this evening with him having done precisely 0 of the jobs he’d promised to do. I’d been out the house 12 hours as my shift overran as it’s the type of role where I have a duty of care to stay. It’s not what I needed after such a long day.

Tomorrow is my actual long day and I start work in 7 hours. I won’t be home until after 8pm

OP posts:
scrimpton · 05/10/2023 00:24

SadBadApple · 05/10/2023 00:23

I came home to the house a mess this evening with him having done precisely 0 of the jobs he’d promised to do. I’d been out the house 12 hours as my shift overran as it’s the type of role where I have a duty of care to stay. It’s not what I needed after such a long day.

Tomorrow is my actual long day and I start work in 7 hours. I won’t be home until after 8pm

It kind of goes without saying that if you're out working and he's staying at home, that he should be pulling his weight around this house.

Original poster
SadBadApple · 05/10/2023 00:34

I agree @scrimpton and he was actually really good when he took the ADHD meds. He says he wants to change but can’t make himself. I completely understand that but I take my meds and do what’s required of me each day. I’ve tried to help him for months now. I want to stay together but I want him to be better.

I’ve gained so much weight recently as I’ve been so stressed with work and juggling everything else. I’m unhappy with myself in general and I’m worried I’m projecting that onto him

OP posts:
FictionalCharacter · 05/10/2023 01:33

I do care about him and worry us breaking up would make him even worse and he might never sort himself out mentally

You're thinking only of his wellbeing and not your own. Couples split up, and it's upsetting but people survive. He's an adult. You say you feel like you're mothering him. It certainly looks like you feel responsible for looking after him, but you shouldn't. That isn't a happy, healthy relationship.

Mari9999 · 05/10/2023 01:41

@SadBadApple
Sadly, you cannot force him to take his meds nor can you force him to be proactive in his job search. You want things for him which ,for a variety of reasons , he is not prepared or preparing himself to obtain.

You cannot pull him up by your boot straps, but he can contribute to wearing you down. Sometimes, love is just not enough.

Hopefully, he will find help in over coming his inertia by going back on his meds, but that is not a decision that you can make for him.

junbean · 05/10/2023 01:46

What would it take to get him on the needed meds? Can you talk to his family for help?

LifeExperience · 05/10/2023 02:35

Please don't marry this man. He could easily take his meds and take some pressure off of you by working and pulling his weight, but he is choosing not to. He is choosing himself over you and that WILL NOT CHANGE if you marry him.

babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo · 05/10/2023 03:59

Honestly he sounds like more of a burden than a life partner. Like you’ve already got a child to care for.

I have ADHD and I don’t think that can be used as an excuse for all of this stuff - we can’t just use ADHD to defend all bad behaviour. It sounds like he actually doesn’t give a shit and hasn’t tried to do better, like you said he doesn’t even bother to take meds or find ways to cope with ADHD, and there are many, many resources to be utilised to help which a simple Google could point him in the direction of.

If you stay with him, he will not change because why would he? You’ve basically showed him that you’ll take on everything and mother him.

Yes he moved for you - so? That doesn’t mean you need to be with him forever. I had a relationship where I stayed too long due to guilt and feeling that he’d uprooted his life for me and I didn’t know where he’d go without me. But that wasn’t my problem! My biggest regret was not leaving sooner.

If he’s like this now, and you’re stressed now, I can’t even put into words how hard it would be with kids. The stress would probably end the relationship anyway but this time you’d have kids involved.

newmama311 · 05/10/2023 04:40

Sounds like you have made up your mind. You are still sooooo young. Move on with kindness and enjoy the rest of your 20s x

Acornsoup · 05/10/2023 05:14

You can't make him put energy into your relationship. His lack of focus and effort tell you how much he is prepared to make. Imagine this lack of support with a family - it's a recipe for disaster unless you want to be his mother. Ultimatums don't work, he may adjust his behaviour for a short while but this is who he is. He may not be ready for responsibilities yet but he isn't your burden to carry, and his MH isn't your responsibility either.

Ruthietuthie · 05/10/2023 05:18

You are both young. Frequently those relationships that begin in university and then in young adult life just don't last. You are growing in different directions and that's ok. Set yourself free and fly.

PerfectMatch · 05/10/2023 05:22

He sounds really selfish. To not lift a finger round the house when you're working such long hours and blaming it on his ADHD isn't acceptable. Better to split up than to have a baby with him.

Original poster
SadBadApple · 05/10/2023 06:48

Thanks everyone! It’s not what I wanted to hear but I suppose it’s what I need to hear.

@junbean It would take sending an email and him attending an appointment. To stay on them it would be a simple form once a week for a month then another appointment.

I sent the email for him last time and he attended the appointment. I checked the email and did the first 3 forms with him. I wasn’t around for the 4th form (and booking the next appt) but did remind him 3 or 4 times about it…so it just never got done.

I suppose it is bad to blame ADHD @babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo but it’s definitely linked to what he struggles with. I’m not perfect either and also struggle with the house work. I can clean but organising is really difficult for me. I can also struggle with motivation for caring for myself so he makes dinner every evening without fail. When he’s not there, I can make dinner, but it’s often something simpler rather than a complicated dish. The problem is, he often makes dinner really late as he puts off starting. He genuinely is trying but can’t get himself going earlier. Since starting work that’s been better and we’ve been eating around 8-9pm rather than 10-11pm!! I also really struggle with remembering where I put something so I have 4 hairbrushes for example (on downstairs, one upstairs, one that’s in my car and one in my bag) so I am far from perfect myself. I certainly do things that will annoy him at times although he never shows it.

OP posts:
Loubelle70 · 05/10/2023 07:48

SadBadApple · 05/10/2023 06:48

Thanks everyone! It’s not what I wanted to hear but I suppose it’s what I need to hear.

@junbean It would take sending an email and him attending an appointment. To stay on them it would be a simple form once a week for a month then another appointment.

I sent the email for him last time and he attended the appointment. I checked the email and did the first 3 forms with him. I wasn’t around for the 4th form (and booking the next appt) but did remind him 3 or 4 times about it…so it just never got done.

I suppose it is bad to blame ADHD @babysharkdoodoodedoodedoo but it’s definitely linked to what he struggles with. I’m not perfect either and also struggle with the house work. I can clean but organising is really difficult for me. I can also struggle with motivation for caring for myself so he makes dinner every evening without fail. When he’s not there, I can make dinner, but it’s often something simpler rather than a complicated dish. The problem is, he often makes dinner really late as he puts off starting. He genuinely is trying but can’t get himself going earlier. Since starting work that’s been better and we’ve been eating around 8-9pm rather than 10-11pm!! I also really struggle with remembering where I put something so I have 4 hairbrushes for example (on downstairs, one upstairs, one that’s in my car and one in my bag) so I am far from perfect myself. I certainly do things that will annoy him at times although he never shows it.

Adhd can be a contributing factor oc but OP, you cant make excuses for him within this relationship.. that's what keeps women around longer than they need to be. You say you arent tidiest etc and not massively organised? I disagree, you are out the house working 40hrs week. That's organised.

Hibiscrubbed · 05/10/2023 08:05

He genuinely is trying

No. No he's not. He’s for you doing everything so he’s stopped bothering.

Please don’t tie your promising young life to this waster of a man. Stop making excuses for him.

ABitThick · 05/10/2023 08:14

Please don't be a doormat. He needs to take medication for his ADHD. He needs to get a job. He needs to buy you birthday and Christmas presents. He needs to have dinner cooked for you at a normal dinner time if you are working and he's not. He needs to clean the house. He needs to keep his promises.

What do you think your life would look like if he didn't improve, then you had a couple of kids with ADHD, which is highly likely?

Watchkeys · 05/10/2023 08:41

Even if you do put everything down to ADHD, what does that change? It still means you've got a partner who doesn't do life the way you wish he'd do, and in a way that makes things more stressful for you. Having a name for it doesn't mean you have to like it or be able to live with it.

Changeychang · 05/10/2023 08:45

If the relationship is good in other ways and you truly think that being on meds would turn it around, maybe have that be the one thing that you baby him with. Make his appointments, fill in his forms. No, it's not ideal and I am not the type to mother a man but doing that even for six months might be the catalyst for a change. You are both also still quite young, he may mature with just a little more time.

TiredMamOfTwo · 05/10/2023 08:46

Sounds like you've outgrown him, nothing wrong with that!

Opentooffers · 05/10/2023 09:09

It doesn't look like he takes any responsibility when he is on his meds either. You say you did everything around ensuring he made the Dr appointment, and still he didn't.
Did you live together before the move? Was he any better then?