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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I think we might be breaking up

50 replies

SadBadApple · 04/10/2023 23:49

My partner and I have been together 5 years since we were 19 & 20. We’ve lived together 3 years and recently moved 400 miles for my job. I am finding the new job very difficult and he hasn’t found a job yet. He’s looking but he can be useless at times as he’ll apply and then miss the email inviting him to interview for example. He’s really intelligent but can’t seem to utilise it properly. This was fine at uni but I’m getting fed up.

All the mental load has always fallen to me and now the financial burden is on me too. He makes promises (like he’ll get any job rather than focusing on a grad job) and doesn’t keep them. I feel like he’s constantly letting me down. He never gets presents for my birthdays or Christmas despite me buying thoughtful gifts for him.

He has ADHD but had meds once and then didn’t organise the next appointment with the psychiatrist so he hasn’t had them since. I feel like I’m mothering him and to be honest, since starting work I can’t do it anymore. I am drowning and I’m not well. I myself have ADHD and autism and I just can’t take him letting me down anymore as it makes coming home stressful.

I’ve warned him and he promises to be better and is better for a while but then it slips again. I feel like I’m being awful as I know he needs help but I don’t know how long this can keep going. He used to be the only person I could be myself around, my safe space, my home. But I’m feeling irritated with him whilst terrified of what the future would look like without him.

We were meant to be getting married but he never organised the ring. Despite him asking me and genuinely wanting to marry me. We were hoping to have children in a couple of years. We have shared pets, a fully entwined life. I don’t know how I go about breaking it apart.

I feel so sad but I’ve asked him to sleep on the sofa tonight. I’m just confused about it all, is this the end?

OP posts:

Newestname002 · 05/10/2023 11:41

@SadBadApple

Tell him to move out OP, back to the area he was before and to rent a room or stay with family for a while and get himself organised without you doing absolutely everything for him. He needs to address his health and sort out a job without leaning on you and to do the life admin he's leaving to you to do in top of a 40+ hour working week. Don't let him back when he says things have changed - he'll just be looking to return to the status quo.

You'll need to be firm: he won't want to leave as you are doing everything for him, pretty much, but for your own sanity you need the break. It will be hard for you but, if you allow the current situation to continue, it will just get worse for you. Life is demanding enough already without him being a drag on you. 🌹

Original poster

SadBadApple · 05/10/2023 13:26

Yes, @Opentooffers we lived together for 3 years before moving whilst I was studying and he was working and studying part time

OP posts:

Original poster

SadBadApple · 05/10/2023 20:33

So I just got home to the house completely cleaned and tidied, dinner ready and he wants to make plans for the weekend and has fully thought out all the logistics…

OP posts:

Wallywobbles · 05/10/2023 21:33

So he can do it. I'd point out that he is heading into too little too late territory.

Mari9999 · 05/10/2023 22:07

@SadBadApple

Hopefully, this is the start of positive changes for him.

Original poster

SadBadApple · 05/10/2023 22:52

Hopefully @Mari9999
I’m still feeling really cautious about it all. As I don’t want him to do something once and then to slip back to how it was. He was always bad at presents but generally we loved living together and had a great time when he was working.

I slept awfully last night, I ended up getting an hours sleep and I was exhausted all day at work. I can’t decide whether to tell him to sleep on the sofa again as I know he slept really badly too.

He’s also meal planned for next week which is something I struggle with. I want to try new recipes but being autistic I also crave safe foods when Ive had a tough day so I struggle with deciding what to buy to give me a range of options throughout the week

OP posts:

Loubelle70 · 05/10/2023 22:56

Hes got to be consistent with it. One day is a start but its just that. It takes time... personally i wouldn't allow him in the bed its too soon. It could all go back to before if you think its all changed in a day. Its not punishing him, its self preservation atm for you

Original poster

SadBadApple · 05/10/2023 23:15

That’s true @Loubelle70
I’m a bit worried he already thinks everything’s fine. I ate dinner with him, we went for a walk with the dog, talked about our (my) day and had a nice evening.

He’s familiar and safe. The thought of breaking up makes me miserable but taking on everything also makes me miserable. How much is it just me liking routines?

OP posts:

Loubelle70 · 05/10/2023 23:19

Its familiarity isnt it? We stay with whats comfortable. But youre not comfortable or stable. Tell him you're not punishing him but hes got to do it more than once, its got to be forever, constant effort xx

Loubelle70 · 05/10/2023 23:20

Personally i would say, if you backtrack theres no other warnings...we are over x

Nipplesrus · 06/10/2023 00:59

I am not sure many people without ADHD can understand just how debilitating it is. He had hyper focus today and that why he did everything. It’s unlikely to be the same tomorrow.

I have ADHD as does my child. It’s not something that comes and goes, it’s for life.I cannot stress this enough…do everything you need to do to get him back on his meds ASAP and everything you need to do to keep him on his meds in the future. You will be so much happier.

Make all the other decisions about the relationship when you have done. You will see the positives of ADHD once again, but not until you accept you will need to take the lead with keeping up with the meds.

I had to apply for car insurance today, and had about 7 false starts for various reasons. It just wasn’t happening- too many steps, too much other info needed from other sources and on and on. Eventually I got 80% done, but it got finished in the end, because my husband accepts he needs to take over at that point and that this is just the way it is. He takes up the slack when I can’t.

ADHD is classed as a disability for a reason.

Watchkeys · 06/10/2023 04:02

do everything you need to do to get him back on his meds ASAP and everything you need to do to keep him on his meds in the future. You will be so much happier

OP has said she doesn't want to manage her partner's medication, @Nipplesrus What works for you and your husband isn't 'The Solution', it's what works for you and your husband.

PeacefulPottering · 06/10/2023 04:58

If you were my daughter I would say learn to be on your own.
If he was my son I would say to him learn to be on your own.
You are BOTH immature to be thinking of marriage and children.
Not just him, you as well OP.
If you get stressed about him bothering to cook you meals because they are not "usual" you should be nowhere near marriage or procreating.
You BOTH sound immature, lots of made up maladies to distract yourselves.

Watchkeys · 06/10/2023 05:41

He’s familiar and safe

Why do you think this is the case, @SadBadApple ? You said in your OP that you were drowning. Mental load and financial load all left to you. Promises he makes are broken. He lets you down and disappoints you. When you show that you're uncomfortable, he ups his game, but that's just you carrying the mental load again, isn't it? You tell him what he needs to do, and that you're disappointed he hasn't done it, then he rabidly does it all, and more, like a guilty teenager, before slipping back to the old habits.

Why does this look like 'safe' to you? Why are broken promises and disappointments 'familiar'?

Did your parents respect you, and teach you to respect yourself? Did they listen to you when you expressed your feelings, and respond to you by making positive changes to support you? Were they there for you consistently, or might they have been distracted (demanding sibling/illness/addiction/heavy workload) so that you felt your feelings weren't really that important?

You seem to think that being unhappy with your partner might be somehow 'your fault', which suggests an anxious attachment style... have you read about that?

Original poster

SadBadApple · 06/10/2023 07:48

@Nipplesrus
i’ve tried sorting the meds but I’m working now so can’t be there to make sure he gets to appointments. I have ADHD myself, I was diagnosed before him and mine causes more serious mental health issues when I’m struggling. This is combined with autism which led to multiple meltdowns at the start of the week. To society I am a fully functioning individual, at home I just break down and need to unmask. I can’t do it in a shit tip so this leads to meltdowns where I feel horrible afterwards.

Anyway, I went to bed first and he slept on the sofa again. Breakfast was ready for me this morning.

OP posts:

Original poster

SadBadApple · 06/10/2023 07:52

@PeacefulPottering
You misunderstood my post and don’t seem to have an understanding of autism when I spoke about foods.

@Watchkeys yes, my parents are another issue. I studied psychology extensively and I’m also a medical professional… hence the 6 years uni and need to stay late at work

OP posts:

BackAgainstWall · 06/10/2023 07:55

@Mari9999
It isn’t about the ring!

OP was simply illustrating that as yet another example of what he has failed to do/follow through with.

OP, I feel your frustration. It must feel like trying to constantly push water up a hill.

ReturnfromtheStars · 06/10/2023 08:14

Hi @SadBadApple I can really relate, although a but different circumstances.

My husband and I got together young too (21 and 22) and he moved counties for me! I was doing a PhD on a scholarship, so made money while he was looking for work.

It was a vicious circle. Without the routine of work, he struggled to do anything at all, so housework was left to me or we did it together in the evening. He eventually found work with a friend's help and that sorted everything. So he did need that initial push. He is also very intelligent and is always doing brilliant and is really liked at work.

Since then he has been a fully equal partner and later parent and over the years learnt to take on the mental load too. We both had career breaks, part time work full time work etc any combination (not at the same time) for the children.

I still need to be the main thinker / doer but once something is decided he always provides full support and pulls his weight (e.g. buying a house). He also had medical issues he fully manages himself, I never got involved with that side of things apart from picking him up from the hospital of course after procedures.

Only you know your partner and your relationship, but just to stay it worked out for us, and I hope you both find your own happy ending with or without each other.

Watchkeys · 06/10/2023 17:55

Your parents might be part of the same issue, rather than a different issue altogether. It's about what you accept as 'normal', what you think you 'should' accept.

Do you think you should accept his behaviour, and if so, where is the 'should' coming from? Who makes the rules?

Original poster

SadBadApple · 06/10/2023 20:53

Thank you @ReturnfromtheStars your experience is really helpful. I’m glad it worked out for you.

I got home to more jobs done and dinner prepared again. His aim for next week is to get back on meds he said

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 06/10/2023 20:55

I got home to more jobs done and dinner prepared again. His aim for next week is to get back on meds he said

But he's done this before, right? Then it slips back?

Original poster

SadBadApple · 06/10/2023 22:36

Yes recently over the last 7/8 weeks or so he’s been to-yoing @Watchkeys

He’s always made dinner for half a decade we’ve been together. I don’t know what’s happened since we moved though as we ended up eating at 1am sometimes. He has always done the cooking though. I think because most of the evening meals we eat are very involved and take 2+ hours to make e.g. homemade pastas, risottos, stuffed peppers with interesting toppings. He likes to do everything from scratch so it all takes longer than it would if we just bunged some supermarket ravioli in a pan.

I’ve always done the baking so baked the bread for breakfasts/lunch. Made the bagels or naan breads and made the desserts. That’s one area that he’s always done more of.

As I said, I love trying new foods but find sourcing the recipes exhausting and I like to have a safe food in Reserve just incase. He’s much better at finding the inspo and striking the balance with that

OP posts:

Original poster

SadBadApple · 14/10/2023 11:32

Just wanted to update, I feel like me giving him a final ultimatum worked to some extent. He's kept up with housework and making dinner, he has started the process to get back on meds and he's also found himself a job. It's not in the field of his degree and doesn't pay as much as he'd hoped but it'll bring us an extra £1700 per month.

I am still treading carefully and seeing how long this lasts. He's also applying for more well paying degree relevant roles and has a few interviews lined up

OP posts:

shoeawsome · 14/10/2023 11:42

Nice update OP and good he's kept it up but it has only been a week!

Glad he has a new job though and hope things continue to improve!

Original poster

SadBadApple · 15/10/2023 13:14

I know, you’re absolutely right @shoeawsome
we had an odd week as unfortunately one of our pets died very suddenly at home and he was very shaken. I couldn’t be distant with him after that so he knows I’m not happy still but I’m also not making him sleep on the sofa.

OP posts:

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