Feeling rubbish about boyfriend

[Moon47]

My boyfriends had a year of drama and chaos. He was struggling to find a home in January and up until August he's been working and staying in digs and at hotels at weekends. It's been expensive, Stressful and not alot of fun..I've stuck by him. I have loaned him money. I washed his clothes for several months at mine. I took him meals and was there to listen and help. By pure luck a man was willing to rent him a flat. So he's now had a home for 7 weeks. He's now got no work due to a work disagreement. I've once again lent him some money. He's due a tax rebate any time now. He was majorly down at the weekend so I helped him sort a tele. We cooked food and he cheered up.

Monday I went off to work..same again yesterday. Both days he was constantly texting me about his tax return and how he couldn't stop checking. I jokingly said is that how you feel waiting for my messages. He said on a serious voice I used to but I don't now no. I asked him what he meant. He said its not exciting now and we talk about "your work" and stuff. This is how he always is. I dont often talk about my work. But if someone's told me something interesting or something nice happened I might talk for a minute. But I've noticed he's always saying "I'm trying to work out why I need to know this"

On top of this we used to sleep together everytime we met up. The last 3 weeks he's shown little interest in me. I agreed to walk down to his last night. I walk 30 minutes each way whenever I see him. He never meets me now. I got there last night. At 7.40pm he was ready to go to sleep. I felt myself getting irritated because I'd been there 1 hour and 45 minutes. He spent half an hour laid on the floor with the dog and then we went through to the bedroom.i tried to express I felt a little down and felt we hadn't been having any sex lately. He said I was putting pressure on the relationship and pushing him away. Before I knew it he was telling me I always do this. I started to cry and told him I've had a draining week and I just wanted a cuddle. He continued to get mad. This is regular with him..so I walked home in the dark at 10pm. He didn't pick up the phone. Didn't text me back and it's now morning.

I'm overwhelmed with so much stuff I've seen lately. I worry now he won't return me money he's had..I dont know why he's ignored me. I feel like shit. All i tried to do was request abit of closeness. He also said he misses the phone sex we had when we first met and complained I never have time for that now. I pointed out I'm often with him now and rarely have time to myself. Plus we are real now.

I just feel hurt and confused.

Don't want to hurt your feelings but he sounds like a complete twat. He's used you for money and help in loads of other ways but now he's got his flat hes quite obviously trying to push you away. If you don't want to end the relationship with him, then at least let him do some of the chasing for you. Meet you half way. Let him text or call you, not you initiating everything. To be honest I think you should dump him and go find someone who treats you how you deserve to be treated

He has used you, and you’ve allowed it. I doubt you’ll get your money back.

It's over, op. Bin him off and move forward. Sadly, you need to forget about the money, he's never going to pay you back.

I think there’s an occasional time and place for ghosting people and never looking back. This is one of them. He’s negging you and turning all blame around to you. You’ve been fair to him and told him how you feel and given him a chance to say the right things to make you happy. He sounds like an utter misery who wants to tear you down.

Whilst I do think he sounds like he could be depressed; you’re not a charity and you’ve already tried very hard to help him in many ways. If he won’t be self aware enough to get help then that’s his problem. Additionally, he sounds like he could possibly be cheating given that he never spends time with you and is critical of you. So either way, you’re better off without him.

You could break up with him face to face but I think he’d be shitty to you. Set yourself free and run and never look back. Hopefully you haven’t lent him too much money. I don’t think you’ll get it back either way though. I’m sorry he has been so rotten to you, you deserve better.

That's the thing he is depressed. He's in a very selfish state again at the moment. He does want to see me and he wants me there every night, which I can't do as my kids only got to their dad's 3 nights. But he is bwry demanding of my time. When I'm there it's often OK. He will cook etc. But he has made comments this week twice about sex and things change as the relationship changes. But it sounds like a negative excuse. I dont expect sex all the time. Its just he says things that confuse me. Like once a few weeks back he said sometimes when I lie on his chest it feels like anxiety. So I stopped hugging him incase he didn't like it. Then he says I never hug him. The couple of times I've said about sex he's explained he's tired. But the minute he's wanting it he's a pest. I don't dare come onto him as it seems I'm always wrong with it.

He's in therapy and the therapist apparently told him last week you don't want your girlfriend to feel taken for granted. He told her how much I'd helped. He was saying he wanted to spoil me.

I know it sounds silly but we've had a year without him having a dog..now he's got another. He let's them sleep in the bed and I'm laid there wanting a hug and he's rolling about kissing the dog. I felt so irritated last night because I was clearly feeling down and he hyper focused on kissing and playing with the dog whilst I sat there.

So he’s got a dog but not paid you back ?

Well he got it 2 weeks ago from a friend and is doing installments! He's absolutely shocking with money.

He's in therapy and the therapist apparently told him last week you don't want your girlfriend to feel taken for granted. He told her how much I'd helped. He was saying he wanted to spoil me.

He told you this, did he?

Why is he in therapy?

How does he enhance your life?

Yes he's under a charity that supports men and they have given him 6 weeks therapy. It's to do with his occupation.

I'm not sure that he does anymore. I think I'm just so confused and lost that I'm trying to make sense of so many things. I am exhausted I've barely slept.

This one will bleed you dry, financially and emotionally. Is he really worth it? Don't you deserve better? You are not married, you don't have children with him. Cut your losses and find someone better.

The relationship is ruining your happiness. He needs to sort himself out and not use you for support when he sucks the life out of you in return. I wasted my 20s with someone who treated me like shit but who I was always making excuses for. It makes me so annoyed that I didn’t put myself first and see my worth. All I cared about was serving him. Then he ditched me and shacked up with someone else anyway.

So I am projecting my situation onto yours, it’s true. I think it’s a useful anecdote though as there could be some relevance to it. Women are conditioned to never give up on ‘love’ but that attitude fucks us so hard. Love yourself first; he’s toxic and you’d be better off alone.

He sounds absolutely exhausting. I don’t think I could be bothered.

You’ve got children but you’re giving a man like this money? He’s shocking with money- you’re not likely to see it back and why on earth would you waste time trying to understand his behaviour? He’s not worth it - just dump him.

Yes I completely agree. He didn't even check I got home safe. He's often saying he feels there's no point in life etc too..he's been depressed and suicidal in his past. I think I feel deep down he is no good for me. Maybe he's ghosting me now. I just feel anxious and horrible because I know he's depressed and I caused the row last night.

@Moon47 it's not deep down he's not good for you, it's on every level he's not good for you.

You deserve much better. He treats you very badly & it's a worry. Please open your eyes and get rid.

It's not you, it's him.

If you have children too; what effect will this be having on them? Mum’s sad because her weird abusive (he IS abusive) boyfriend is playing up again? Get out for their sake as well as yours. What kind of Step Dad could he even be?

Please leave him, no good will come out of this. You’re also right that not making sure you’re safely home is the kiss of death; he doesn’t give a shit about you.

There is no excuse for the way he’s treating you. It doesn’t matter “he’s depressed.” That is no excuse for treating another person like this.
please just leave him and do not look back.

Can I write My genuine concerns down please? I need to be completely honest.

My husband and I both have mental health issues but we don’t treat people like shit. We also get therapy for our issues and if that didn’t work then we’d go on meds. This is because it’s not fair on those around us if we don’t control ourselves. People have to be self aware and do right by those around them; mental health issues are no excuse for poor treatment.

I know you say he’s in therapy and it’s true that that’s good. However, he’s still being a nightmare. He needs to stop taking it out on you. This is not me saying ‘oh, he can go on meds and it’ll be better’. I think you need to leave. He is showing contempt for you and if you stay, he will leave later down the line. I think mental health issues are being used as an excuse for contempt. You need better than this. Please please leave.

If you’re saying there’s more then it just means you need to leave even more. Please do express your concerns though. We do want to help.

So he's starting to find his feet and is now pushing you away? My advice is to let him , he's showing you who he is.

I'm really confused by the whole thing. He's not violent. He does this thing where he gets mad and tells me I do all this stuff, which I feel I dont do.

I went back to work in January and It involves me going into loads of different houses and meeting different people. I also work with my old school friends. So it's been a lovely new start for me. He's so so rude whenever I talk about anything. He literally tells me he doesn't care or need to know about anyone else but me. But how can i talk about my day etc If I can't talk about people and stuff.

I am not a big tik tok user at all. But maybe 3 times a week I'll flick through for air fryer ideas and I am prone to the humour on there in some places. But I never use it around him . He said to me last night what are we gunns talk about if I listen to you, tik tok?

He says I have insecurities and issues and he thinks that's why I'm always starting problems.

He says I'm constantly starting about one thing after another. This again isn't fair. I've questioned him in recent weeks about a new instangram account. The fact his sex drive has majorly dropped and I expressed hurt that he has no interest in what I say. This blew of to him saying I used your work as an example.

He said last night he wants to feel close to someone not always be arguing. I said someone? Not your actual partner? He said you know what I mean but that's a typical woman comment.

He says I waffle. He then in the next breath said he would have no reason to continue living without me. I'm his rock. I've got him through this year. He even tells his neighbours etc I'm his rock.

But my biggest fear is I am the only person he has and that pressure is on my shoulders that If I go he will have nobody and will end his life or gwt worse

He's in therapy and the therapist apparently told him last week you don't want your girlfriend to feel taken for granted. He told her how much I'd helped. He was saying he wanted to spoil me.

And yet, this is how he treats you. He takes your money, which he clearly has no intention of repaying, he takes your help, yet can't even meet you halfway when you walk to his house. He pays lip service to the debt of gratitude he owes you, yet can't even give you a cuddle when you ask for one. He really isn't worthy of you and he knows it. Even his therapist knows it. Why don't you? You deserve far better in your own right, but frankly when you have children it becomes your responsibility to model healthy adult relationships to them. You owe it to your children to kick this one to the kerb.

He sounds very damaged, but a) that doesn't entitle him to mistreat you and b) it's not your job to fix him.

The money you lent him is gone. You won't get it back. However much it was, see it as the price you pay for getting this loser out of your life and learning to value yourself much more highly in the future.

I feel majorly stuck and I can't seem to make a choice it's like I'm going through the motions and my heads screaming this isn't real. You can't trust him. He's always twisting things. I am constantly anxious. Going over over it. I keep saying to myself this has to end one day. There's no point. But I'm never ready. I can't ever do it. I've tried once before and fell into the deepest depression. Before I met him I was always happy. Now I'm always sad. I've listened to my friends etc. I try and try but I feel stuck. Other than it being obvious this isn't right I don't know what else I can do..

I do little things constantly for him. Even with this flat I bought him a couple of bits for his kitchen. But nothing ever feels solid. I can't read him. I almost feel like I don't even know who he is now.

Sod that for a relationship, he's dragging you down