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Original poster

He is gone cold ever since I made my mind up

48 replies

theprincessthepea · 03/10/2023 23:18

I’ve known my partner for 3 years, we’ve been together for 2 of them. We found out we were pregnant (unplanned) over the summer, we went backwards and forwards with our choices. He said he will be there regardless but said he doesn’t feel ready for a child - I felt the same (and still do - I’m constantly freaking out).

Ever since I told him I’m certain that I want to keep it and don’t want an abortion he has gone cold. We do not live together, I have a tween. We went from seeing each other 3+ times a week, checking in on each other and phone calls or messages everyday to NOTHING. Not even a text. If he does reply it’s about how frustrated he is at the situation.

I’m 14 weeks now and feel like I’ve wasted my time with him. Then I’m wondering if this is an expected reaction. When I try to talk about what life could look like if we work together he shuts down. I know he is scared and panicking and wanted to change careers but I’m struggling to put myself through an abortion. Although I could raise a child alone (again) I really do not want to and I’m so devastated at his reaction.

I have been waiting 5 days just so that we can talk about it. When I call him he doesn’t pick up. I’ve missed some of his calls but it’s always when I’m doing the school run or at work (I work later than him). Today I called him, it was later than usual and he said he is asleep and will speak tomorrow. Whereas before he never missed a call and always messaged back as soon as I called; stayed up an extra 10 minutes.

Is this a red flag. Or have you had men react this way? Do I just give him time to cool down. I feel so pressured to not have this child.

OP posts:
fairymary87 · 03/10/2023 23:22

Yes it is, you may well be facing this alone. But please don't do anything you don't want to do xx

WhatsMyDream · 03/10/2023 23:24

Your relationship is over so I think you shouldn't be thinking about what HE wants anymore but rather, do want to have this baby alone. Also - don't put his name on the birth certificate, he can fight to change it if he's bothered and if he is on it he'll cause you all sorts of problems just to be a dick

MartyFunkhouser · 03/10/2023 23:24

He doesn’t want a baby. But you should do whatever is right for you.

Marchmount · 03/10/2023 23:25

He’s made it crystal clear he doesn’t want the baby and will not step up as a father. What you decide to do is up to you but do not factor him into your plans.

Weatherwax13 · 03/10/2023 23:30

So sorry you're going through this. I'd start making plans on the assumption you'll be doing this without him.
It's fine for him to have doubts and concerns of course but he's being cruel and immature.
It wasn't what you hoped for but honestly it's better being independent than hanging around for a bloke who has you walking on eggshells. You deserve better.

Weatherwax13 · 03/10/2023 23:30

Oh, and whatever you do, don't have an abortion just to keep him. You'll resent him forever and the relationship will end anyway .

Aprilx · 03/10/2023 23:31

It looks like more than a red flag unfortunately. He doesn’t want a baby and is pulling away from the relationship. You will have to make the best decision for yourself now on the understanding that you will effectively be a single parent.

Original poster
theprincessthepea · 04/10/2023 01:19

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. It’s so nerve wracking. He would always go on about how we hates men that leave their children. It’s either he might co-parent eventually or has messed up values.

@Weatherwax13 I would hate to have to make the decision to abort but was also doing well career wise. I feel our relationship is over regardless of what happens.

OP posts:
Weatherwax13 · 04/10/2023 01:37

You sound very strong and capable. A baby doesn't necessarily have to derail your career. Maybe doing something practical like researching your work policies around mat leave/flexible hours would help.
And see if you can get some urgent counselling around the pregnancy. I'm not in the UK any more unfortunately, back in my day Marie Stopes offered appointments to help you make a decision but I'm sure there's other organisations you could contact.
I think being proactive might give you a sense of taking control for yourself.

Valeriekat · 04/10/2023 20:03

I am curious as to how you got pregnant when he so clearly doesn't want a child. If he thought abortion was contraception then he sounds horrible!

Moonshine160 · 04/10/2023 20:10

Sorry that you’re going through this. I would make the assumption that if you have this baby it would be without him and make your decision based on whether you can raise the baby alone. Don’t have an abortion to keep him, he has already shown his true colours and regardless of what happens I would certainly be ending the relationship with him.

Opentooffers · 04/10/2023 20:33

How old is he? He's acting very immaturely. I'm guessing if you have a tween, he's maybe 30's, in which case he is just a twat and 50% responsible for this happening. Doesn't mean he will pay 50% of costs though. Clearly he lied about support whilst hoping you'd abort, given that your career is taking off, just to look like a good guy.
It's your choice, now you know your relationship was not as solid as you thought, it's shit to get let down like this, but you took half the risk too despite having all the responsibility. Really do what you need to, assuming on your own with this going forward, you don't have long to decide unfortunately.

category12 · 04/10/2023 20:48

I don't know how you can ask if it's a red flag - it's more than that. Since he's behaving this way, I think you need to presume you'll be doing this on your own.

Stop chasing him - maybe he'll come around eventually to parenthood, but in the meantime nothing good is going to come out of messaging and phoning him if he doesn't want to talk.

Decide what you're going to do on the basis that you'll be a single parent. If you want the baby and can manage on your own, continue the pregnancy.

It might be that he will come around, but at that point you'll need to decide whether you actually want to be with someone who behaved liked this.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2023 20:54

Me might need time. But I'd be tempted to text, "ghosting the mother of your future child is shitty. I don't care if you want to be in a relationship, you are going to have a child."

And then prepare to go it alone. Apply for CS on the first day you can.

Olika · 04/10/2023 20:56

Whatever You decide to do about the baby, this relationship is over. He was happy to be with you when it was about easy stuff (dating/relationship without living together and having responsibilities) but the moment the real serious stuff comes into picture, he runs away. Don't waste another second on this man. Do whatever you want to do.

OhcantthInkofaname · 04/10/2023 21:04

You are handling this alone.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 04/10/2023 21:10

He was very clear he didn't want a baby so it shouldn't really come as a surprise that he's gone cold. The relationship is done and you need to base all decisions on a future without him in it.

Original poster
theprincessthepea · 04/10/2023 21:12

@Valeriekat we agreed to have children later on down the line and have always said if we accidentally got pregnant we would keep it. Clearly not …

@Opentooffers yes we are both early 30s. He used my career as a reason to abort. I had to ask him what his reasons were and it’s mainly him not being ready; being scared that his kid will be in a single parent household (I told him he has full control over this) and family reputation.

We finally spoke on the phone today. Maybe posting this shifted something. It was the strangest conversation. I said I’ve made up my mind and he kept going on about how he has made up his mind too to have an abortion and that he will take me to the clinic. Wouldn’t listen to my reasoning and the fact that I didn’t want to. Ended by asking if we can meet up tomorrow as we haven’t seen each other or spoken in 2 weeks 🙄🙄

Very odd.

I don’t think he will let it go until it’s too late. It’s like a fixation.

To be fair my first one was like that. He had seen the scan and watched me breakdown at the abortion clinic, I was 20 weeks and he kept sending me links to places I could get one. I kept my daughter - he adores her and we co-parent.

I know I’m responsible for both situations. I guess I’m disappointed in myself for being in the same/similar situation +10 years later.

OP posts:
RedAndWhiteCarnations · 04/10/2023 21:14

I know I’m responsible for both situations

And so he is!!

junbean · 04/10/2023 21:16

I went through this and our baby is over a year old now and he still won't speak to me and has never seen his child.

When I reached out for help in another forum there were several women who said their husbands acted the same way, even when they were both TTC! They eventually snapped out of it and became supportive again. Men are atrocious!

So it could go either way. I do agree to carry on with what you want, and try to be happy. I'm just starting to date again and finding myself, as the way he treated us destroyed my self esteem. Don't let anything like that happen- be strong and confident and if he runs don't let it feel like a reflection of you. He sounds very immature and weak minded. You're probably better off moving on.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2023 21:18

he kept going on about how he has made up his mind too to have an abortion and that he will take me to the clinic

Yuk. Oh well just wait until it's too late and see if he wants to be a father. It's too late (and he's not grown up enough) to be in a relationship. SO father it is. Whether that's a shit one or a good one is up to him.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/10/2023 21:19

He’s sending a very very clear message
he doesn’t want this child

im just being blunt because you need to make a major decision about going it alone

never minimise how nasty scared people
can be
prepare for the worst from him and look after you and your tween

Chelsea543 · 04/10/2023 21:33

This happened to me with my ex and we had just moved in together and I found out I was pregnant. He came to the first scan with me and acted ok and then even though we lived together he became distant.

He’d also come home from work later and later. in the end I asked him and he told me he didn’t want it and was freaked out. He then asked me and my children who had moved in with him during lockdown to leave!

I was so shocked. I ended up aborting only because I wasn’t financially stable due to uprooting to move to his area and look for work and also I was homeless for a while because he kicked me out of his home while I was pregnant!

I never ever thought I’d get an abortion but I’d been a single parent for 8 years and knew that I could do it if the circumstances had of been different for me. I did never get over the abortion and loss of the baby though. However it was the right decision and I can’t imagine having to see him now if he had of wanted access to the child.

Luckily a couple of years on I met a decent guy and we’ve had a baby. I don’t think I could have ever gone without having another baby.

I think you have to just remember that having this baby doesn’t mean he’ll have any involvement. It also doesn’t mean you and him will reconcile (sounds pretty much over to me already sadly). These pathetic men freak out especially when they’ve been single and have their own houses etc. the idea of it becoming that serious is just too much for them.
Also remember having this baby means you will be doing everything most likely. All childcare, school runs, sick days etc. But I’m sure you know that as you’ve done it all before. It also means any future dating will be on hold for a long time.

Whatever you choose just think what works best for you. It’s a really horrible situation, I was so shocked when my ex reacted badly seeing as he had a daughter he loved and we’d always talked about having children at some point. But some people are just all talk!

Also if you do have the baby do not add him to the birth certificate! He doesn’t even want the child so don’t give him rights to choosing the child future - he can add himself down the line if he shows himself to be a good dad.

greenthai · 04/10/2023 21:34

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Shapemyeyebrows · 04/10/2023 22:48

@theprincessthepea I think you need to pull way back. Stop contacting him and stop trying to get him to talk it through. You need to take a step back and decide what’s best for you without him in the equation. He sounds very immature and a bit of a dick, he’s not just having a little wobble, he has been fully ignoring you, shutting you down and trying to force an abortion on you. I agree I wouldn’t be able to continue a relationship with this man but hopefully in time he could step up and co-parent?