He is gone cold ever since I made my mind up

[theprincessthepea]

I’ve known my partner for 3 years, we’ve been together for 2 of them. We found out we were pregnant (unplanned) over the summer, we went backwards and forwards with our choices. He said he will be there regardless but said he doesn’t feel ready for a child - I felt the same (and still do - I’m constantly freaking out).

Ever since I told him I’m certain that I want to keep it and don’t want an abortion he has gone cold. We do not live together, I have a tween. We went from seeing each other 3+ times a week, checking in on each other and phone calls or messages everyday to NOTHING. Not even a text. If he does reply it’s about how frustrated he is at the situation.

I’m 14 weeks now and feel like I’ve wasted my time with him. Then I’m wondering if this is an expected reaction. When I try to talk about what life could look like if we work together he shuts down. I know he is scared and panicking and wanted to change careers but I’m struggling to put myself through an abortion. Although I could raise a child alone (again) I really do not want to and I’m so devastated at his reaction.

I have been waiting 5 days just so that we can talk about it. When I call him he doesn’t pick up. I’ve missed some of his calls but it’s always when I’m doing the school run or at work (I work later than him). Today I called him, it was later than usual and he said he is asleep and will speak tomorrow. Whereas before he never missed a call and always messaged back as soon as I called; stayed up an extra 10 minutes.

Is this a red flag. Or have you had men react this way? Do I just give him time to cool down. I feel so pressured to not have this child.

Not his body not his choice. Does he think he can keep saying it and it will be true.

How is he??!

he has made up his mind too to have an abortion and that he will take me to the clinic. Wouldn’t listen to my reasoning and the fact that I didn’t want to. Ended by asking if we can meet up tomorrow as we haven’t seen each other or spoken in 2 weeks
sounds like he wants to pressure you to have an abortion tomorrow face to face. Dont even discuss it. There is nothing to discuss. Shut all conversation about it down.

I don't think you should meet him. He wants to browbeat you to abort. You decide.

@junbean thanks for sharing. Sorry you had to go through that but I’m so happy to hear that you are dating.

After having my daughter it took me such a long time to find myself so I completely relate. I am dreading starting again but will stay positive.

Just want to say sorry that you're going through this. His trying to pressure you is horrendous 💐

Not on this thread @greenthai so maybe stop banging on about it. It's not helping the OP.

Except it isn't that. Maybe if you are reported enough they'll ban you.

Fingers crossed 🤞🏻

Don't let him pressure you, do whatever you want to do.

Please do not meet him, if I were you I would talk to someone about this situation, he is pressurizing you to do something but also that could be the reason why you may be more decided to go ahead with the pregnancy. Have a good think about what you really want, and how your life will change and will you be able to do it all. If you really want this child then do that.
I am so angry on your behalf by his behavior but as you said yourself the relationship seems over regardless because of this, he has shown his true colours which are not very nice at all. He is only thinking of himself. I hope you come to a decision that you are happy with and wish you all the best whatever you decide.

You need to accept that you will be raising this child alone. Whether he will want contact I guess remains to be seen when baby is here but he’s made it clear what he thinks. It’s now for you to decide if you want to raise another child on your own or not. Don’t be pressured by him though, it’s not him who would he going through an abortion. It’s getting later and later though, if you’re not 100% on raising this child alone I’d speak to a counsellor about options etc

I hope it all works out well for you OP. Do you think he is just panicking now it’s real? Just saying this as a friend of mine, thought her relationship might break up, as her partner, would not talk about the baby etc. she had the baby, and he was an absolutely doting dad, they are really happy. I wish you all the best.

As much as you may not want to, keep him at arms length. The risk is real that he could become unstable and try to harm you once he realises that, come what may, this baby will be born. If he does later 'wake up' and try to show that he's committed, look for actions that match his words and long term consistency, not just one off things. It will be easy for him to reel you in with a flashy gesture but you need to wait until you see that consistency before you engage with him meaningfully again.

He's made up his mind that you're having an abortion? Oh how nice for him. Does he have the mental capacity to understand that the baby is inside you, not him, and he has no power over another person's body?!

What a liar he is.
It he didn't want a child he should have been wearing a condom single time.

The advice above to look at practical issues is sound - I had a second baby after being a single parent who I ended up also raising alone. There are times when I wonder what it would have been like to have never met his dad and had him, but it’s not a thought experiment which goes very far. I would have had more money that is for sure and probably bought a bigger house by now and progressed more in my career, probably also travelled more and had more of a social life. But I also have a funny, loving and kind son and I don’t regret that, I have done what I can with everything else. Which is a long way of saying it really is up to you what you do. I would just work out how you are going to do it.

Don’t let this man bully you into a decision.

You wrote "he doesn’t feel ready for a child "

What do you want from him? He clearly stated he doesn't want a child.

I had an abortion, it was obviously not a happy thing but I was relieved that I live in a country where I have that option.

I think your focus should be your existing child. You are the centre of your child's world and that should be your priority.

@greenthai I went alone to do my babies birth certificate and they asked me for fathers details. We aren’t married and at the time didn’t even live together so I didn’t put him on it. You can make that decision when you go to do the certificate. I would say if she keeps the baby she should do this as otherwise she is giving a man power for a child he doesn’t even want. He can always be added later if he wants to be involved.

Thanks for the advice all x Time will tell. It has been nice to have more opinions as I thought I was going crazy. My heart goes out to everyone that felt that they had to have an abortion before they were ready.

@MrsElsa I want him to have an honest convo with me instead of shutting the idea down - I’ve put some history below. We did speak about wanting children - always joked about it (weirdly this year he would always joke about getting me pregnant - kinda weird). Clearly he doesn’t want this one.

@Ansjovis he clearly doesn’t have the mental capacity as he constantly says “I understand and feel the same way” everytime I give him my reason.

Sadly an abortion ended my last relationship (and I didn’t cope very well - fell into depression) and when I got with my current partner I told him all about it (as it really affected the beginning of our relationship - first serious relationship since the abortion). So I guess knowing all of the talks we’ve had - promising myself that I don’t want to go through it again and seeing him act like this despite the fact he was open to whatever decision I made at the beginning of this pregnancy is heartbreaking.

He could be frightened as we have to suddenly make a decision on the rest of our lives. But we spoke about the future throughout the past few years. I guess I need to see the action now.

@Roselilly36 thanks. I have heard it can go either way because he has been great throughout the relationship, has a stable job and gets on with my first.

Lets see…

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP, and worse, that he is being what I think is emotionally abusive now! I am disturbed by the bait and switch he's pulled on you, to put it mildly and to me, he sounds toxic! I think you really will be far better off without him, even as a single mother of 2 children!
I really hope you do bring your child to term at least, even if you ended up giving them up for adoption, I think the toll on your own mental health would be far less and you'd know your child would have adoptive parents who really wanted and loved them. I speak from experience because I am an adoptee and I can tell you that despite the negative attitudes to adoption these days, it's much, much better than being denied the chance of life at all!
I also was a single mum, for 9 years, with no support nor input whatsoever from my son's father, and also none from family, because my own parents were elderly and frail by then. There were some tough years but I never regretted having him and now he is a young man, and my marriage has broken down, he is my rock! He's a lovely person, kind, compassionate and caring. When I was hospitalised a couple of moths ago due to extreme unexplained pain, he stayed by my side the whole time and not once did he make me feel bad about it, his only concern being for me! He is painting the living room ceiling as I type, on his day off! He is the greatest, most precious gift anyone on Earth has ever given me and despite everything, I bless his father for that!

I wish you all the every best OP and am sure your unborn child will also be a blessing to you, and repay any sacrifices you make for them over and over, as will your tween, as you sound like a very loving and strong person! Far too good for that man as well, he doesn't deserve you!