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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why is my Gran like this?

36 replies

Nissanjuke · 02/10/2023 20:23

What do you call this type of behaviour?

Always changes the subject and talks over you

Never intiates contact unless she wants something

Says things like 'You shouldn't feel this way' and her favourite 'That's the way it is'

My Dad has poor health currently and has to further surgery regarding back. He has been in lots of pain over the years. All she has ever said 'Oh well thats how it goes' She spoke to her own flesh and blood like that. She also put a precious hair appointment as more important than visiting him in hospital once.

She never ever listens and thinks she is an excellent listener and advice giver. If you went to her for advice you'd come back suicidal!

Her husband now dead once complimented my cooking and if looks could kill lol.

She also told my sister to stop crying once over losing her cat and said you can get another one.

She also said to my Dad when he didn't have much money when much younger to buy shoes 'You'll have to put bags on your feet'

I suppose the nature of this post is to see if anyone has ever dealt with this type of behaviour before and did you cut the person out of your life?

OP posts:
Undercoat · 03/10/2023 01:25

That describes my Mum word for word. She had one close friend who she was always horrible to..
I gave her lots of chances but after she was vile one day I decided to not see her again. However there is regret as she passed away in hospital and I didn’t get there on time. My advice is to keep in touch from a distance. Send the obligatory Christmas and birthday card but that’s it
she might change you never know

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/10/2023 07:32

Such people do not change, this is who she is. It’s not your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way either. I would not bother with sending her any cards, bad behaviour should not be at all rewarded.

SueDonnym · 03/10/2023 07:42

Ask her about her childhood out of interest - it might have warped her attitude.

Watchkeys · 03/10/2023 07:48

There are many like her. It doesn't really matter how other people have dealt with it, does it? This is about what you want? It's a bit like posting with a menu and asking us what you should have. There are no right answers. If you don't want her in your life, don't have her in it. I cut my dad out and it great.

MustBeNapTime · 03/10/2023 08:00

She does sound a bit harsh, but she also grew up in a different time and sounds a bit matter of fact and pragmatic. Sometimes, it IS the way it is and accepting that and just getting on with dealing with the matter can be the least stressful way to go about it.

I use the phrase "It is what it is" a lot. It seems to be a universally hated and trite phrase on MN, but I was using it a long time before it became a sound bite. That's how I live my life. Look at what's in front of me, good and bad and just get on with it.

But having said that, if you feel she's in the wrong, you have two valid choices - pull her up on it and ask why she's saying whatever she is or have less to do with her.

rookiemere · 03/10/2023 08:19

My DGM was a lot like that, and my once vivacious and lovely Aunt has turned that way.
It's a lot to do with upbringing and natural personality.
I wouldn't cut her out unless she does or says something totally egregious, but I'd keep all my conversations very superficial- mostly ask about her - and don't share any details that could be criticised.

MaryJanesonabreak · 03/10/2023 08:23

She sounds like she had a disadvantaged upbringing and not terribly bright. See less of her if she doesn’t bring you much joy.

MsRosley · 03/10/2023 08:50

Why is my Gran like this?

Narcissism.

Slidingsocks · 03/10/2023 08:58

She lacks empathy, and if it's called for by the situation can't respond. Puts herself at the centre of every exchange and can only see the world through her own eyes. Have you met my mother?

booksandbrooks · 03/10/2023 10:08

She might just have grown up in a different time with different struggles & priorities, she might be neurodivergent, she might be traumatised she might just be an arsehole.

But I don't think everyone who doesn't validate and empathise is a narcissist and tbh the term is so overused I think it's lost all meaning, as well as being ableist.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 03/10/2023 10:12

MaryJanesonabreak · 03/10/2023 08:23

She sounds like she had a disadvantaged upbringing and not terribly bright. See less of her if she doesn’t bring you much joy.

I agree with all of this - she found a way to cope with her life, but it doesn't work for you - no need to fall out with her, but don't seek what she can't give.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 03/10/2023 10:57

It sounds as though she may have undiagnosed ADHD and a mix of a hard upbringing.
The talking over you and changing subjects and initiating contact when she wants something stood out to me.

The 'Oh well that's how it goes' and 'that's the way it is' sounds like the way she deals with things she can't change or cope with.
Your grandmother has lived a lot longer than you, grew up in a different time with different struggles.
I feel as though I'm a little like that as I can't control all the shit that is happening and I would have myself ill! I'm a nurse and I can't constantly empathise ALL THE TIME!! It's exhausting and emotionally draining. I try my best but it's a bit of self preservation!

@booksandbrooks I agree with you!

But I don't think everyone who doesn't validate and empathise is a narcissist and tbh the term is so overused I think it's lost all meaning, as well as being ableist.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/10/2023 11:01

Unless she does things deliberately out of spite or malice I'd just learn to not expect things she is incapable of providing, try and find something about her that you love, she's still human.

Original poster
Nissanjuke · 07/10/2023 14:46

@AttilaTheMeerkat Its her birthday next week but just feels mean not sending a card. I suppose I imagine what it feels like to be forgotten and don't like to do the same to others. However I genuinely do feel I'm only of use when she wants something or needs a counselling service.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nissanjuke · 07/10/2023 14:49

@MoserRothOrangeandAlmond Completely disagree. Its not a nice thing to say your son 'Oh well that's how life goes" when you have been in back pain weeks on end, can't walk properly etc. Yet when she is unwell she expects everyone to rally around. Everything is one sided.

OP posts:
Startyabastard · 07/10/2023 14:51

It sounds like it could be borderline personality disorder.

Original poster
Nissanjuke · 07/10/2023 14:52

@Watchkeys I'm sorry you had to cut your Dad out of your life. It is sad that the people who are supposed to care about us don't. I think both you and @AttilaTheMeerkat get my post.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nissanjuke · 07/10/2023 14:53

@Startyabastard I thought she was narcissistic because she has zero empathy. BPD have empathy as fair I researched.

OP posts:
MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 07/10/2023 15:19

@Nissanjuke it sounds like she doesn't know what to say though... he's had back pain for a long time and struggling to walk.
She can't do anything for him, she can't help him.

I'm not saying what she is saying is right but from what your describing.... she doesn't communicate well and has some underlying condition

Original poster
Nissanjuke · 07/10/2023 15:25

@MoserRothOrangeandAlmond I just feel sad for him he didn't have a better Mother than the one he got.

Anyway all I know is I feel better for not seeing her.

OP posts:
Saschka · 07/10/2023 15:25

My DGM was like this too - I actually don’t think it was always badly meant. Just very limited life experience, not much knowledge of the wider world, didn’t read much, never encouraged to be empathetic. Oh, and early dementia.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 07/10/2023 15:29

How old is she?

MrsSkylerWhite · 07/10/2023 15:31

Why does everything need a label now?

She grew up in a different time - maybe in meagre circumstances - and this was the coping mechanism she developed. It’s hard to change when it’s ingrained. The bags on feet comment probably wasn’t a throwaway one. We had to do that sometimes when I was a kid, inside shoes with holes. Probably gets a bit sick of people she perceives to have had it “easier” moaning about things.

Don’t see much of her if it makes you miserable but where’s the harm to you in sending a birthday card?

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 07/10/2023 15:37

Everyone is different and no one is perfect.

My grandma is the same, even on my Wedding day she said... 'that dress is just you' and that was my compliment.

When my daughter was born (she thinks there's too many girls in the family and prefers boys and we had infertility, failed IVFs before I had our daughter) and she said whilst holding her 3 day old beautiful great granddaughter....'aren't you upset that she's not a boy?'

She just doesn't know what to say if anything is wrong.... her sister was dying and she thought it was best that her 15 year old niece didn't know.....

My husband has been very unwell this year.... hospital admissions etc and the future is still uncertain... she doesn't know what to say.... her way of showing it is to make me a large malt loaf!
She's not a kiss and hug kind of grandmas.

She has always been like this.... what can I do as a granddaughter (I'm not my male cousin so definitely not the favourite).... I just plod on

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 07/10/2023 15:40

It's out of my control... I do know deep down she loves us.... she doesn't know how to show it!
I don't rely on her for any emotional support or anything other than superficial chat.

Thankfully my dad married my mam young and he's saw a different side of life (my nanna on my mams side) was a totally different kind of person... couldn't do enough for anyone... very good communicator (sometimes too much 🤣) and she was a genuinely lovely person!