Why is my Gran like this?

[Nissanjuke]

What do you call this type of behaviour?

Always changes the subject and talks over you

Never intiates contact unless she wants something

Says things like 'You shouldn't feel this way' and her favourite 'That's the way it is'

My Dad has poor health currently and has to further surgery regarding back. He has been in lots of pain over the years. All she has ever said 'Oh well thats how it goes' She spoke to her own flesh and blood like that. She also put a precious hair appointment as more important than visiting him in hospital once.

She never ever listens and thinks she is an excellent listener and advice giver. If you went to her for advice you'd come back suicidal!

Her husband now dead once complimented my cooking and if looks could kill lol.

She also told my sister to stop crying once over losing her cat and said you can get another one.

She also said to my Dad when he didn't have much money when much younger to buy shoes 'You'll have to put bags on your feet'

I suppose the nature of this post is to see if anyone has ever dealt with this type of behaviour before and did you cut the person out of your life?

She’s of a different generation, and has lived through different challenges.
you say grandparent so I expect 80+??
yes, bags over socks inside boots common.
yes, loss of empathy esp long term conditions, as mental health was not really a focus.
yes, due to isolation being more self centered again not unusual.
of course send her a card, ask her questions about her upbringing, learn a bit about life 60+ years ago. Just don’t expect too too much support.

She’s emotionally unintelligent in the extreme.

Having someone like that to deal with in your family is really hard and not good for your own MH.

I would keep in touch but at a good distance as much as you can - obligatory birthdays and Christmas.

You on the other hand definitely have emotional intelligence 😊💐

I don’t agree that people of this generation are less emotionally intelligent.

and she doesn’t need a diagnosis.

it doesn’t really matter why she does it. You just don’t like her very much because you find a lot of her behaviour unpleasant.

That is perfectly okay. You don’t have to like her.

She might just be a bit of a twat.

I have known a number of people like your gran @Nissanjuke , and they are a product of harsh parenting, no love as a child, and being told 'shhhhh,' 'stop whining,' 'only babies cry,' and 'grow up.' Basically cold, detached parenting. It makes them hard hearted and cold and lacking empathy. It's moreso women in the cases of people I know. Many whose mother favoured their brothers. Sadly, many of them let the cold treatment go down the generations.

It's hard growing up with a mother like this, and a mother who favours your brother/the son. I have spoken to many women who have suffered like this, and have a cold-hearted, unaffectionate mother. And they have never been told 'I love you' 'you're a great success,' 'you're beautiful,' 'I'm proud of you,' and 'you're a great mother - your children are a credit to you.' It's just criticism all the way, no positivity, no love, and no affection. And it fucks you up for life.

What is the behaviour called? I don't know. It's just coldness IMO. Often not their fault, and it's up to the person it's happening to now to stop it, and show love and affection to their children. Break the cycle!!!

@BackAgainstWall I don't want to keep in touch. Haven't spoken or seen her since December 2022! Only lives 10 miles away.

@Rattyname Your quite right, I don't like her.

No idea but I wouldn't stay in contact. I don't understand what you're getting out of this relationship.

Sounds like a narcissist to me. ExDP was one which is why he is now an ex. He was brought up to believe he was a cut above everyone else, which I believe is where the trouble started.

He was only happy if he was the most important person in the room and did not care about me at all. When I developed a serious illness, he refused to read the hospital letter about my symptoms and treatment and would not even watch a 2-minute YouTube clip about it.

He always changed the subject too if it was putting somebody other than him (especially me) in the skylight. So if anyone visited and started asking about something I had achieved or my illness, he would change the subject as quickly aa possible.

@Rattyname
On the contrary, nobody on this thread is saying people of her generation are less emotionally intelligent.

That’s absurd and a complete insult to her generation.

The OP’s grandmother IS and sounds quite limited generally.

I know wonderful women of her generation who have the milk of human kindness, who can empathise and offer support and kind words to others.

They are also very interesting wise owls with a lifetime of experience and knowledge, and there is a lot to be gained from their wonderful friendship.

FuckingHellAdele · Yesterday 16:07

“She might just be a bit of a twat”

Yep, there’s always that 🤣🤣🤣