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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to say no to Christmas day

48 replies

HolliJo · 02/10/2023 19:35

Split up from my not so dh around 3 years ago for lots of reasons but after lots of counselling I've realised he was abusive in lots of ways and most probably a narcissist.
These three years have been tough but l have managed and I'm very happy now.
We have three children age 23-16 who will be at home for Christmas.
He's messaged today to ask if he can come for Christmas Dinner and spend the say with them.
I hate the thought of this but I am struggling to say no. Something I struggled with during our relationship as he was very controlling and usually got his own way anyway.
Obviously I don't mind if the kids choose to see him Christmas day but I just don't want him in my house.

OP posts:
Octobermeterreadtime · 02/10/2023 19:37

Sorry no it's just me and the dc this year... End of chat.. Dc can meet up with him any of the other days should they wish. Prioritise yourself over a cunt op. You really are allowed to. Mn gives you permission!

AnxiousPangolin · 02/10/2023 19:38

‘That won’t be possible as the kids and I have planned dinner together. You can meet them at xyz place afterwards.’

Eviebeans · 02/10/2023 19:38

You could just say no - it does get easier once you do

Chestnutz · 02/10/2023 19:38

As above
’Sorry that’s not going to work for me - the children can come and see you on Boxing Day’ (or whenever). You don’t need to tell him any more about what you’re actually doing on the day. You don’t need to have a reason.

MidnightOnceMore · 02/10/2023 19:39

Hi, that's not going to be possible, it doesn't fit with plans already made.

Don't apologise and don't explain.

It's your home.

whatchulookinatwillis · 02/10/2023 19:52

No.

That's all you need to say.

VivaLaVolvo · 02/10/2023 20:00

What do the children (who are adults) want?
They can choose to spend Christmas where they want with who they want
Might they choose to go to his?

GingerIsBest · 02/10/2023 20:01

I completely understand the challenge you are facing here. what I would say to you is that Christmas is ALSO about you and what you will enjoy and it's pretty clear you are NOT going to enjoy it with him there.

I would say a simple no, that's not possible. If he is a narcissist though, he will of course, turn this on you. You may well be the recipient of a narcissistic rant. He may accuse you of all kinds of things and position himself as a victim.

The big risk is that he gets the DC involved - do they understand how difficult it is for you? Do you have the kind of relationship with them that you could ask them their thoughts? Or suggest that they proactively get contact their dad to arrange Christmas plans or whatever?

NewSw19 · 02/10/2023 20:07

No.
^ that is what I would send.

You are allowed to say no - and no is a complete sentence. You don't have to give a reason.

Your children are old enough to make plans (or not) with their dad if they so wish for Christmas Day / the Christmas season.
You don't have to spend any time with him anymore

Intelligenthair · 02/10/2023 20:09

“Hi, sorry, that day doesn’t work. Do you want to take them out on the 24th or 26th instead?”

Greengrassohla · 02/10/2023 20:09

No. You can make plans to see the DC separately, but not at my house.

BeeCucumber · 02/10/2023 20:09

Don’t say sorry. Just say - that doesn’t work for me - then block him.

Meeting · 02/10/2023 20:11

Just say no, they're all quite old enough to discuss any other plans with him. Although the fact he wants to turn up to your ready made Christmas suggests he can't actually be bothered to put any effort into doing something else and likely won't.

AdoraBell · 02/10/2023 20:15

As said just - No it doesn’t work you’ll see the DC on another day.

Well done for getting away, now stick to your guns.

Original poster
HolliJo · 02/10/2023 20:48

I've replied, saying, "That's not going to work. Obviously, I understand you will want to see them, but you will have to make arrangements through them. "
And yes the children might well decide to spend the day with him but even so I do not want him here earing christmas dinner
And it's highly unlikely they will, the youngest and oldest have a very tricky relationship with him due to his behaviour not just with me but to them.
I'm waiting for a reply, but thanks to everyone. I'll stick to my guns.

OP posts:
BOOTS52PollyPrissyPants · 02/10/2023 20:50

Just say a big NO and if the kids want to meet him can do before or after Christmas day, if they do want to see him on Christmas day they can have a walk with him morning or evening whichever suits you and the children. Do not let him into your home if he was an abusive F*CKER. Have your boundaries and enjoy your day but let the children decide if they want to see him but not in the house as that is your safe place. Do not even get into it with him if he starts just a big fat NO.

Greengrassohla · 02/10/2023 21:17

Your reply sounds great

Chestnutz · 04/10/2023 09:47

Perfect response!

MumHereAgain2023 · 04/10/2023 09:49

Perfect answer.

Cosmosgrowinmygarden · 04/10/2023 09:57

Well done OP! Stick to your guns 😊

INeedNewShoes · 04/10/2023 10:23

Well done. It's really not easy saying no but you've saved yourself years of having him at the Christmas dinner table by saying no this year!

SeamsLegit · 04/10/2023 10:43

I need to know his response!

TotalOverhaul · 04/10/2023 10:51

well done

Lovethatforyouhun · 04/10/2023 10:52

Well done OP!

2chocolateoranges · 04/10/2023 10:53

Well done on your reply to him.

you are in charge of you and your feelings ,do not let him affect how far you have moved on from him!