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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to say no to Christmas day

48 replies

HolliJo · 02/10/2023 19:35

Split up from my not so dh around 3 years ago for lots of reasons but after lots of counselling I've realised he was abusive in lots of ways and most probably a narcissist.
These three years have been tough but l have managed and I'm very happy now.
We have three children age 23-16 who will be at home for Christmas.
He's messaged today to ask if he can come for Christmas Dinner and spend the say with them.
I hate the thought of this but I am struggling to say no. Something I struggled with during our relationship as he was very controlling and usually got his own way anyway.
Obviously I don't mind if the kids choose to see him Christmas day but I just don't want him in my house.

OP posts:
YellSomeMoreAdam · 04/10/2023 11:00

Brilliant response, hold firm. You get what you want for a change.

IAmHeartless · 04/10/2023 11:02

Well done!
It sounds like he knows his kids don’t want to spend the day with him and he’s trying to shoe horn his way in via you.

LavenderfortheBees · 04/10/2023 12:27

Great reply

Loubelle70 · 04/10/2023 13:18

Chestnutz · 02/10/2023 19:38

As above
’Sorry that’s not going to work for me - the children can come and see you on Boxing Day’ (or whenever). You don’t need to tell him any more about what you’re actually doing on the day. You don’t need to have a reason.

This

Bimbimmer · 04/10/2023 15:11

What’s happened for the previous three years?

I know it’s really difficult (having spent years with a narcissist abuser myself, I get it) - but you MUST speak up for yourself and stand your ground.

Tell him that you don’t think him being in your house for Christmas is appropriate, but that you are happy for your children to make their own arrangements to see him over the Christmas period.

Then leave it with them. They are old enough to make their own choices about seeing their dad and they do not have to involve you / use of your house. Do NOT feel bad about that, and enjoy your Christmas as you want to - you deserve that.

billy1966 · 04/10/2023 16:23

HolliJo · 02/10/2023 20:48

I've replied, saying, "That's not going to work. Obviously, I understand you will want to see them, but you will have to make arrangements through them. "
And yes the children might well decide to spend the day with him but even so I do not want him here earing christmas dinner
And it's highly unlikely they will, the youngest and oldest have a very tricky relationship with him due to his behaviour not just with me but to them.
I'm waiting for a reply, but thanks to everyone. I'll stick to my guns.

Good woman.

Well done for getting rid of him.

Keep him as far away from your life as possible.

Your children can see him on THEIR terms.

This would never be a one off.

He would be arguing for it again next year, the precedent having been set.

Mmhmmn · 04/10/2023 16:31

Eviebeans · 02/10/2023 19:38

You could just say no - it does get easier once you do

This - I believe no is a mental muscle we can exercise - after a bit of use it gets easier every time you need it, and life is less stressful when you use it and stop putting others before yourself (esp bastards like that - he's the ex for a reason and is pushing it as usual). And no is more important than ever when dealing with narcissists.
If he wanted to have nice family Christmases he should have treated you properly when you were together - simple.

2jacqi · 04/10/2023 17:51

why is he still able to contact you OP? your children are all adults now so you need not contact him for anything! block him without answering!

Shinyandnew1 · 04/10/2023 17:52

Good for you-good message. You’ve split up with him so it’s not your problem to put up with his behaviour any more.

Lindy2 · 04/10/2023 18:15

Good reply.

I reckon he's just after a free Christmas lunch served to him without him having to go to any effort.

Your children are old enough so that you don't have to get involved in any of their arrangements. Stand your ground. He's an ex.

Jandob · 04/10/2023 18:34

That seems reasonable. Could he take them to a pub or neutral space to meet?

Original poster
HolliJo · 04/10/2023 18:39

Thanks everyone
Since I sent him the message, I have not heard a word. Not sure if this is the end of it but all quiet for now

OP posts:
FedUpMumof10YO · 04/10/2023 18:45

Silence is a response.

Peachy2005 · 04/10/2023 19:09

Well done OP - nice to see someone setting boundaries and taking no sh*t. Keep up the good work and have a fabulous Xmas Day 🥰

Beautiful3 · 04/10/2023 19:22

Good for you setting your boundaries. I think its important to keep their contact with the kids, separate from you. They shouldn't be in your home at all. My sister divorced her abusive ex husband, and for the first year apart he begged to be at her home during birthdays and Christmas. But it turned out to be a way of controlling her, and making her see that they needed to be together?! When she got a new boyfriend, the ex stopped asking. Funny that because he said, it was about the kids! Just keep saying, no that doesn't work for me. Let me know if you want to take the kids on boxing day.

ThatThingYouCantRemember · 04/10/2023 23:22

Great job! Don’t let him guilt you if he tries. Nobody needs a jive Turkey at the dinner table..

Windmill34 · 04/10/2023 23:46

Cheeky get , you feed him yeah right
he’s an ex for a reason

Ellie56 · 04/10/2023 23:55

HolliJo · 02/10/2023 20:48

I've replied, saying, "That's not going to work. Obviously, I understand you will want to see them, but you will have to make arrangements through them. "
And yes the children might well decide to spend the day with him but even so I do not want him here earing christmas dinner
And it's highly unlikely they will, the youngest and oldest have a very tricky relationship with him due to his behaviour not just with me but to them.
I'm waiting for a reply, but thanks to everyone. I'll stick to my guns.

Perfect response @HolliJo .

What a fucking cheek he has inviting himself to dinner!

Ellie56 · 04/10/2023 23:56

And you should block him. Why is he still contacting you?

caringcarer · 05/10/2023 00:52

Chestnutz · 02/10/2023 19:38

As above
’Sorry that’s not going to work for me - the children can come and see you on Boxing Day’ (or whenever). You don’t need to tell him any more about what you’re actually doing on the day. You don’t need to have a reason.

I'd be more blunt and say I don't want you on my home but DC can come to see you Boxing day if they want to.

caringcarer · 05/10/2023 00:56

Well done on standing your ground. You have moved on and will no longer tolerate your ex ordering you about. Don't make the DC go either if they say they don't want to.

Poppyblush · 05/10/2023 04:45

Tell your kids in case your ex lies or manipulates them into accepting a Xmas day invite

SiblingFights · 05/10/2023 07:40

Well done for setting your boundaries and saying noFlowers

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