Separate finances and maternity leave

[Tennisfan1]

I know that separate finances are not popular on MN, but it worked really well for us so far. I welcome everyone's contribution but would be most interested to hear from those who also happily keep finances separate.

Our situation:
DH and I keep finances separate because we have different priorities. We are both freelance, I work only 4 days per week because I value an extra day off and I don't desperately need more money. He works 6 days per week because he likes to buy things for himself (such as expensive clothes, gadgets,..) and he also supports his elderly parents a bit.
Separate finances is no issue at all for us and works really well. My chosen 4 day week doesn't impact our life together, I still take DH out for dinner, activites, and we go on holidays were I obviously pay my share. I just can't be bothered about spending money on new clothes, new phones etc...all things that only impact me. We both pay the same amount into a shared account for bills, food and joint activities.

But I wonder how to navigate having a baby:

• I won't get any paid maternity leave because I'm a freelance. I believe I qualify for maternity allowance which is about 600/month for up to 8 months, if I don't work.

• My parents very kindly offered to support me with 500/month while I don't work.

• I also have savings (more than DH, due to an inheritance).

• DH will pay for 50% of Nanny costs as soon as I choose to go back to work.

I think I would like to take 6 months off for the baby. Would it be reasonable to ask DH to share his money during that time / put more into our shared account so that I can lower my contribution? Or would this be unreasonable because I will have 1100/month available to me plus I have more savings than him that I could use to subsidise this (and I could, of course, work 5 days per week between now and the baby arrival to bump up my savings even more).

Genuinely interested in hearing thoughts because I can see why both positions might be right or wrong.

We both have our salaries paid into our own accounts and pay equal amounts into a joint account for bills etc. Since mat leave I've gone back 4 days a week so there's more of a gap between us as he's the higher earner. I saved before maternity and in the end was able to still contribute the same to the household but husband was prepared to pay more basically to top up whatever I couldn't afford. He paid for a lot of one offs during this period including the more expensive baby stuff like furniture. As a family with a child we see ourselves as a unit so split joint things wherever we can, pay for our own things like clothes, seeing friends etc and then if husband needs to pay more for something then he will - like home improvements, holidays etc. Me having 1 day a week at home saves on childcare so it's all about the household in our family.

Joint finances here but what about half nanny costs from the beginning? So you are always both contributing to half the worktime childcare either by labour or compensation?

(to be clear, suggesting he pays you half nanny costs from birth rather than when you get a nanny)

Leaving aside the finances for one moment, how will it work out for you as a couple if DH decides to continue working 6 days a week when you’ve had the baby? Is that OK with you? Currently you ‘value an extra day off’ but when you’ve had a baby you’ll effectively get no time off at all if he’s never present to do 50% of parenting.

You need a big discussion about everything to do with the changes a baby brings to a relationship.

We had separate finances prior to having DS, but once he arrived then it all goes in the shared pot apart from some personal spends.

That may not be the best way in your situation though. Few things I'd like to suggest:-

• You shouldn't be solely responsible for the financial burden of having a DC. Any money your DPs kindly give you would be better placed going towards DCs savings, as it sounds like between you and DH you have enough to cover costs

• Although you currently choose to work less hours for a less stressful life, in future any hours not worked will be with DC. Thus allowing your DH to work longer hours - again you shouldn't be financially disadvantaged for this.

• Don't feel embarrassed about expecting your DH to cover his costs of having a baby. Unless it's not his or it wasn't a joint decision to have a baby then he should be putting in - or losing- as much as you. I'd also discuss working hours going forward. Fine to work 6 days a week now for his boys toys, but as a DF he should be spending some time with his DC and his family. Priorities should change.

Good luck with it all !

It’s hard to opine on this without knowing exactly what your outgoings are. But in general

• no you shouldn’t be dipping into savings to subsidise mat leave “on your own”
• during mat leave you need to change contributions so that things are fair
• most importantly you need to discuss how things will work when you go back. Will your dh continue to work 6 days a week to fund his gadgets and if he does will you need to either provide 2 days a week of unpaid childcare or contribute 50% of paid childcare on those days? That seems like a recipe for unfairness and resentment to me - you will have considerably less money than you do now with childcare costs on top plus you won’t have your free days free - and he will presumably want his only day off to be restful? That doesn’t seem workable to me in a separate finances situation.

we have separate finances but both our pots are bigger than we need and you do need to make sure the domestic and childcare load remains balanced if you’re doing it this way.

This is a good idea. Couple with the discussion about how a baby will change free time etc

Ignore the savings and inheritance discrepancy because as a woman you will usually be the one left as a LP if things go wrong, with all the disadvantages that entails. As a woman, always plan for the worse case scenario.
We paid % wise by direct debit proportionate to our income into a joint pot for all joint and childcare expenses. If one earns twice as much for example, that person pays in twice as much. This was adjusted accordingly also % wise relative to income during maternity leave.

I was also going to suggest he gives you half of what a nanny costs from birth .

It sounds like whilst you are on mat leave you should be pooling income so you cover bills, expenses and then get the same amount each for personal spends.

I understand that normally he gets more because he works more which is fair enough but he can only continue to work 6 days a week if you are looking after the baby those 6 days a week so it’s a different situation.

How much is your contribution to the Bills Fund each month and how much personal money do you have each month?

I'd sit with dh and agree that the personal allowance is met first, from the Mat Pay and family donation (wtf?!), then the remainder is moved to the Bills Fund.

Then, work out the gap between what is going into the Bills Fund each month and what usually goes in, and each pay half of that from your own personal fund/savings.

You should pay for joint expenses (bills, mortgage, food, childcare, children's clothes, classes, etc.) proportionately. So if his income is 3x what yours is with mat allowance and a top up from your family, then he pays 3x more into account to cover joint expenses. Work it out to whatever the correct proportion is for your individual incomes. You both keep whatever is leftover for your personal spending. If your amount for personal spending is hugely different due to his having a very high income, then work out how to better balance your personal accounts. It may mean that you pay in even less so that you can have more equitable spending money. In the longer term, it will be a conversation you'll need to have about the balance of work/time off. It could be that you need to increase your working days to offset costs, but it could be that you both prefer for you to work less to offset childcare. It's all about what works best for you both.

You should pay for joint expenses (bills, mortgage, food, childcare, children's clothes, classes, etc.) proportionately. So if his income is 3x what yours is with mat allowance and a top up from your family, then he pays 3x more into account to cover joint expenses

This is all well and good in principle, but the OP chooses to reduce her income by working 0.8 and the OPs husband chooses to boost his income by working 1.2. So it's just not that simple.

Thank you, all very good points!

Yes, I think we will agree that he changes to 5 days work a week. I agree that he needs to let go of his extra money day because I will also have to let go of my rest day once a baby is here.

I considered asking him to pay 50% for a nanny from birth. I'd feel uneasy if he paid this to me because I don't want to get paid for looking after my own child, but he could pay this into our shared account and then I could lower my monthly contribution. That sounds like quite a good way forward actually that doesn't cause any resentment and we'd still keep finances separate.

I think I would like to take 6 months off for the baby. Would it be reasonable to ask DH to share his money during that time / put more into our shared account so that I can lower my contribution?

Yes!

Look at it this way: you are doing only you can do, for both of you. You are also putting your life & health at risk over 9 months & the birth, and you will take the brunt of the physical, mental & emotional impact of a new born for the first 6 months at least.

Only you can do this, and obviously you BOTH want a child.

Edited to add: you should not be the one to sacrifice money, time, pensions. He can't physically have the baby (ad all the physical risk, exhaustion etc that goes with that) so he needs to make a similar sacrifice ie money.

So it makes sense for him to meet all the family expenses while you are doing what only you can do for you both.

He should be paying, not your parents!

Echoing the above - make sure the joint pot pays for your pension contributions whilst you are on ML and if you return to work PT.

I considered asking him to pay 50% for a nanny from birth. I'd feel uneasy if he paid this to me because I don't want to get paid for looking after my own child,

You need to shift your thinking on this right now. It's not about being paid to look after your child, it's about the financial cost of looking after your child - Ito you not being able to work.

I actually think the way you have managed finances to date is irrelevant. What IS relevant is that the baby is going to add to the family's financial burden in two ways: 1. in terms of the costs of having a child ranging from food and clothing and equipment, to childcare and 2. in less opportunity for earning. And this might (should?) be true for both of you as I think that hi continuing to work 6 days a week when you have a child is not really conducive to a happy family life.

So you BOTH have to cut your cloth accordingly. This might mean less designer gear for him. It might mean you have to up your hours. But the IMPACT needs to be felt equally, and not borne entirely by you.

Also, unless your parents are really wealthy, it's absolutely ridiculous that they are going to subside you so that your husband can continue to live a fancy lifestyle.

OP you have to stop looking at your baby as a cost that you alone have to bear. You are both having a baby. You are minding his child while he works - therefore he needs to fund that while you are on maternity leave. Please stop seeing your needs as last in the family - otherwise you will end up on here in another 5 years full of resentment and with no money of your own left.

I also would not let my parents pay for my maternity leave if my DH could afford to contribute - is he not embarrassed by this? Are your parents not totally disappointed that they have to step in to do your husbands role? If you were my DD I’d be so disappointed for you.

Agree with this. My husband would be fucking mortified if my parents felt they had to offer to fund my maternity leave, is yours not incredibly embarrassed by this?!

I'd feel uneasy if he paid this to me because I don't want to get paid for looking after my own child.

You'd be looking after HIS child for him, though. Of course he should also bear the cost for this. Keep in mind you've already had grossly unequal burdens on the physical level.

Part of me agrees with all that. I'm just conscious that I'm from a reasonably wealthy background whereas he is from a low income background and had to work very hard all his life to turn the tide. He's done so well for himself and finally is at a point where he can enjoy nice things as a result of his work. That's why I sometimes feel that I should just contribute more to even it out a bit.

The issue isn't whether or not you should contribute more. The issue is whether or not you are both contributing fairly to the added cost (and opportunity loss) of having a baby.

why on earth should the cost of having a baby be borne exclusive by you, and your family?

What does he think about this?

this is something you both need to sit down and discuss - probably more than once to think things through in between

while you may have separate finances, your baby will be very much shared so all changes in circumstances and costs will affect both of you.

Remember that other than figuring out what is fair you also have to figure out what is practical. Is your maternity income of 1100 enough to cover your new cost of living? what lifestyle changes is your husband planning (there has to be some!).

As for savings - it would not be reasonable to dip into your savings if he is not planning on using his

you'll grow and push a whole human out of your body - there is no amount of work he will ever be able to do to balance this out