Upset son | Mumsnet

Applesauce123 · 2023-10-02T04:25:12+00:00

My husband works from home 7 days a week. Our 10 year old has repeatedly told him he wants more time with him. Yesterday he said that dad's chosen money over us. I told my husband he said this and husband got angry and said he won't be controlled by his son. Where do we go from here? Husband is a workaholic.

MidnightOnceMore · 02/10/2023 05:30

You can't initiate change unless your DH recognises a need to change.

Is your DH ok other than working too much? Or is he actively unpleasant? Because these are two separate matters, working too much isn't great but many people do it. Were your DH's parents workaholics? Are there any money worries driving this?

Sorry to be all questions!

TheresaOfAvila · 02/10/2023 05:34

Do they spend time together?

Original poster

Applesauce123 · 02/10/2023 05:45

He says he wants to pay off mortgage early but no real money worries.
He says he wants more time with us but works 6 hours a day including weekends and annual family holiday.
I can cope with the working (just about) but not his attitude towards our son's sadness.
They only do things my husband wants to do most of the time. Son doesn't want to go swimming with Dad cos he does lengths and doesn't really interact with son.
I'm sick of going round in circles and my children and I having to fight with work for dad's/husband's interaction with us.

OP posts:

NeverAloneNeverAgain · 02/10/2023 05:46

Is there a financial reason he works so much? Does he work for himself or get paid for the hours he works? Is this a consistent thing or service dependent? Sorry for the questions! If he's making an actichoice to do extra rather than it being necessary I'd have a conversation about a work life balance and that you both miss spending time with him.

I do think it's situation depending though. I've had weeks where I've felt like I've done nothing but work and DS made me a card saying he wished I spent more time with him. It was heartbreaking but I am the only one working and at the time was dealing with some strict unmovable deadlines. It was hard but not avoidable at the time.

I'd spend time with your DS and reassure him. If the extra hours aren't unavoidable that's a different conversation with your husband and whether you're happy with the situation. Presumably there's not much time for you either.

Loubelle70 · 02/10/2023 05:59

Applesauce123 · 02/10/2023 05:45

He says he wants to pay off mortgage early but no real money worries.
He says he wants more time with us but works 6 hours a day including weekends and annual family holiday.
I can cope with the working (just about) but not his attitude towards our son's sadness.
They only do things my husband wants to do most of the time. Son doesn't want to go swimming with Dad cos he does lengths and doesn't really interact with son.
I'm sick of going round in circles and my children and I having to fight with work for dad's/husband's interaction with us.

I worked 2 jobs when DD was younger...it was 10 hrs a day and i had to make time for her. His reasoning is crap

Original poster

Applesauce123 · 02/10/2023 06:00

He's constantly busy.
Son has said previously its as if dad's dead cos I do so much with them.
Not much time for me either - I've had to develop a life completely independent of him otherwise I'd be very lonely.
I keep going round in circles feeling lonely and want to tell him its so bad, I'm considering separation but then he'd likely say okay, cos you're not telling me what to do .

OP posts:

MidnightOnceMore · 02/10/2023 06:00

Workaholism is a condition that is quite hard to change.

In the short term I suspect having confrontational discussions with your DH won't help. Can you talk to him at all, in non-confrontational ways or is it impossible?

If you read up on workaholism it is a compulsive behaviour rather than a simple choice. Does your DH recognise his own issue?

DoorPath · 02/10/2023 06:06

If he only works 42 hours a week, it sounds like he has plenty of time to spend with his son. So he works roughly 9-3 or 10-4 during the week? He must be free every evening, then, right after school finishes.

The weekend thing would really annoy me. If your husband worked 8-8.5 hrs a day for 5 days, he'd still be putting in the same (fairly reasonable) hours per week.

I don't think you can call someone who works 42 hours a week a "workaholic" - that's the same or less than the vast majority of people work.

Original poster

Applesauce123 · 02/10/2023 06:07

I can try and talk to him.
He justifies working excessive hours as providing for his family - but I think there has to be a balance.

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 02/10/2023 06:11

Your H will wake up one day and find that DS has his own life and want very little to do with him.

Tell your H that he can't get those years back with DS. There's no do overs.

Tiredbehyondbelief · 02/10/2023 06:12

I would suggest you get him a little book 60 minutes family (could be read in 1 hour). Written by a family therapist. It might change his perspective. There must be some deep seated anxiety in your husband about money. Unfortunately, many man have realised too late that no body on their death bed wished they spent more time in the office

Loubelle70 · 02/10/2023 06:12

Applesauce123 · 02/10/2023 06:00

He's constantly busy.
Son has said previously its as if dad's dead cos I do so much with them.
Not much time for me either - I've had to develop a life completely independent of him otherwise I'd be very lonely.
I keep going round in circles feeling lonely and want to tell him its so bad, I'm considering separation but then he'd likely say okay, cos you're not telling me what to do .

6 hrs a day isnt a workaholic OP. You say hes always busy? I don't understand...if hes always busy ...is he making himself busy so he doesnt have to get involved with family? Or do anything other than what he wants.
I wouldn't have it tbh...as soon as DS is upset over it , its worth addressing... other than that if he doesnt listen, he's a bully

user1492757084 · 02/10/2023 06:13

Why don't you compliment husband.

Six hours is not really a long day.
You could instigate a homework table near husband's work one. Son could do his homework near Dad.
You could ask husband to make breakfast for the children every second day.
Encourage your son to go to the pool with Dad. It doesn't matter if he is swimming laps (it's what most Dad's do) and they get to enjoy the trip there and back together and maybe choose take away for the family on their way home.
Incidental regular time together is key. Does son help Dad mow and trim the garden?
Other than looking for opportunities in your schedule that work your son could ask his Dad for specific time ie to play Chess with him on a Saturday night. If he can help Dad wash car, walk dog etc.
Gift Dad time when it is his birthday.
A trip to a National Park or Museum with son.

coolkatt · 02/10/2023 06:22

hun this is so sad and unfair to you both. your dh will wake an old man one
day and wonder where his
life is. i couldn't live like this, what is the point?
stop asking your dh to do things. see if he even notices.
your sun is going to resent him so much, it has already started. it will
affect his mental health, thinking his dad didn't care/like/give a shit about him.
if i were you i would stop making excuses for your dh and do as much for your son so he knows you are there for him no matter what.
go on holidays, days out, activities, try and keep your son busy so he doesn't have time to wallow in how neglectful his dad is to him. your husband is so
selfish.

Original poster

Applesauce123 · 02/10/2023 06:23

Dad doesn't do the gardening- I do with the gardener.
Its 6 hours minimum - he comes out of the office for 30 mins then goes back in.
He sleeps upstairs cos he says we keep him awake.
He's checked out of this family interaction?
He only sees his contribution as financial.

OP posts:

frivlot · 02/10/2023 06:31

If he has no commute & works 6 hours a day he will likely be free more than someone who commutes & works a 36 hour plus week M-F.

frivlot · 02/10/2023 06:32

What does he do with his time around working

Tiredbehyondbelief · 02/10/2023 06:46

Here is the link to the book I mentioned earlier. I hope your husband reads it, it couldberead in 1 hour. I feel both you and your son are being cheated out of benefits of family life. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Sixty-Minute-Family-Transform-Relationships/dp/0745953832/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=241MR0YE1J26Q&keywords=60+minutes+family&qid=1696225260&sprefix=60+minutes+family%2Caps%2C123&sr=8-1

Original poster

Applesauce123 · 02/10/2023 07:10

Sleeping & eating. He doesn't have a lot of spare time working 12 hour day 7 days week.
6 hours is when we were on holiday

OP posts:

Original poster

Applesauce123 · 02/10/2023 07:50

I suppose its staring me in the face: Get finances organised and tell him we need to separate cos his work obsession is making the children and I unhappy and he doesn't appear willing to work with us on that.

OP posts:

Tiredbehyondbelief · 02/10/2023 08:42

Don't leave it to the point when you literally just want to walk out of the door. Once the woman decides to leave she usually leaves for good. Show your husband this thread, try talking sense into him. There must be a deep seated anxiety about money inside him. Your husband needs to address it otherwise he will end up losing lots of things dear to him. Divorce is expensive and painful for everyone. However working these crazy hours is not good for your or your child

Original poster

Applesauce123 · 02/10/2023 08:48

He said he'd reduce his hours at the end of June, then July, now its December.
I don't think he's ever going to change.
I feel cheated - this was meant to be a new start but it's not.
I don't know how to get thru to him.
I want to take off my rings and be free to get taken out and given attention l.

OP posts:

Gallowayan · 02/10/2023 09:59

So he's working 42 hours per week? With no commute?These are not long hours at all. Anything under 35 hours is considered part time.Why not just work 8.5 hours per day for five days. This would mean a normal amount of family time.

sadaboutmycat · 02/10/2023 10:01

Applesauce123 · 02/10/2023 05:45

He says he wants to pay off mortgage early but no real money worries.
He says he wants more time with us but works 6 hours a day including weekends and annual family holiday.
I can cope with the working (just about) but not his attitude towards our son's sadness.
They only do things my husband wants to do most of the time. Son doesn't want to go swimming with Dad cos he does lengths and doesn't really interact with son.
I'm sick of going round in circles and my children and I having to fight with work for dad's/husband's interaction with us.

6 x 7 is only 42 hrs a week. I work 52 and am still able to have family time.
What does he do with the rest of his time?

MaxTalk · 02/10/2023 10:05

What job does he have? I work a lot - at least 12 hour days but manage to see my kids.

Do you work aswell?