Upset son

[Applesauce123]

My husband works from home 7 days a week.
Our 10 year old has repeatedly told him he wants more time with him.
Yesterday he said that dad's chosen money over us.
I told my husband he said this and husband got angry and said he won't be controlled by his son.
Where do we go from here?
Husband is a workaholic.

I think 6 hour days is when they are on holiday. It's usually 12 hour days

It sounds like perhaps he just doesn't want to be bothered or have much interaction with the both of you.

Perhaps he regrets being a husband, a father, or both.

I would investigate to see how long it actually takes him to complete his work. If he's finished early, maybe he is preoccupied with others.

I'm sorry. If he really wanted to be more active and involved husband and father he would. He doesn't want to be and you can't force him.

Your post reminds me of these lyrics.

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you, dad"
"You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw, I said-a, not today
I got a lot to do, he said, that's okay
And he, he walked away, but his smile never dimmed
It said, I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?
He shook his head, and they said with a smile
What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then, dad
You know we'll have a good time then

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, I'd like to see you if you don't mind
He said, I'd love to, dad, if I can find the time
You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, dad
It's been sure nice talking to you
And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then, dad
We're gonna have a good time then

OP can you start with telling him you are having some family time, it is not negotiable.

I worked with someone who had a family dinner one night a week, her, her husband and children had to be there that evening.

Something like that, maybe Friday evening. All tech switched off, dinner at the table, card or board games after dinner.

So many good points - doesn't help that my oldest has mild ADHD and needs extra patience!
As mentioned above, I can't make him spend time with us if he doesn't want to.
I do loads of/organising household maintenance and other things that he refuses to do.
I think I'm gradually realising how much I do and how little he contributes.
I need to ask him what he sees as a father's role, apart from earning money.
I'm worn out and it's only 4 weeks into term.
He delegates way too much to me - including religious education. Its as if he's too important to be bothered with trifling matters like changing lightbulbs!
It's the mental load - the children come to me for everything - I feel like telling him that I and the children can't keep competing with work for his attention, so we won't bother.

And totally agree with the song lyrics!!

@Applesauce123 i had this. I had DC ...i worked, i did shopping, cleaning, cooking, emotional labour, organised everything, appointments, christmas, birthdays, did all diy, all decorating...lets just say everything...except his only jobs were to empty kitchen bin once day(whereas he wouldnt wipe it out with anti bacterial ugh)...mow lawn once fortnight...if that. I also had a child with Asperger's.
Ex worked..he thought that was all he had to do, i would plead that i needed support, lasted a couple days. 25 years of incompatibility...i only realised 3 years ago. He was also a stonewaller, wouldn't acknowledge anything, wouldn't talk, etc. He was emotionally abusive. He also didn't do small stuff like changing a plug ir lightbulb etc. Pure laziness at home. Dont end up like me, i stayed too long. If he won't listen nothing will change, because he doesn't want it to. Its damaging your child's childhood OP...and years you should be happy

That's so sad Loubelle.

6 hours a day? What time does he start and finish working?

That was on holiday- 9 till 3.
Normally it's 6am or 7 am till 8pm.
Some 20 minute breaks to interact with us, eat.
He's getting better but I've had enough - I'm carving a life out for myself without him.

Do you work?
Are you in debt? Is there a reason for this excessive work?
On my father in laws death bed he said he regretted working so much.

Fairly sure there's no debt.
I can't work cos I'm lowly qualified and wouldn't earn enough to pay for childcare during school holidays etc.
He objected to doing rhe school run after my csection so no good splitting childcare

You have three choices as I see it.
1 put up with it and stay miserable
2 stay and live almost completely separate lives.
3 leave the marriage and parent alone but without the sadness of being considered unimportant.

None of these are ideal but maybe one has the longer term appeal?

A relative of mine is a workaholic. They became very unwell and the spouse had to care for them for months. Despite promising not to return to their old ways, well of course they did.

Your DH seems a stranger to his family and might feel he’s not really a part of it anymore and his work is the only way to validate himself. Family therapy might be helpful but it’s a difficult one to treat I believe.

Lay your cards on the table ( unless he’s likely to get nasty) and discuss what happens next? Your DS is sad but so are you and, presumably your other DC?

@AApplesauce123 I'm divorced from my H 6 years or so. We have 3 DC, 13, 8 and 8. ExH works away but basically used it as an excuse to get away from us. Since we divorced, he has been cutting down his time with the kids even more and often cancels last minute. My oldest DS is autistic and very much needs routine. I have continually told him how unfair he is being to the kids, but it doesn't seem to penetrate, he's so self involved he literally can't see it. He refuses to accept that he is damaging them, so I've given up. He is not there for appointments, emergencies, parents nights etc the kids often call or text me from his if they are upset or stuck at something because 'dad is too busy on the phone'. He's a self centered twat and I actually think the kids would be better off without him.

He’s been very clear, by words and actions that he’s not interested in you or the kids or functioning as a member of the household. However, you’re dependent on him for money, so if you get rid of him you’ll have to get a job and figure out housing.

Tiptoe that's sad.

Matilda: 2 at the moment and possibly 3 after exams for oldest are over.

Is he self employed?

Yes.
That's the problem

"I feel like telling him that I and the children can't keep competing with work for his attention, so we won't bother."

Several times you mention what you feel like and what you need to tell him. Relating puts the Relate in relationship. You aren't telling him and he's not hearing you. He needs to understand how his actions impact his family. Families are multidimensional and his job as a father is multi-dimensional. Perhaps making a pie chart and showing him what you need from him to be a fully functioning family would help him visualise what he can do for his family beside working. He's the only source of income and income is a massive contribution to healthy family. Money struggles are incredibly stressful, so I'd say that perhaps 75% of what his father role is financial since you don't work. 75% of the mother role is your contribution. Time with your kids is necessary, so 25% family time is essential. Without giving that to you, he makes all that effort working but still ends up with an anemic family. If he can see the concrete picture of what he can do to make his family healthy and whole and be a kick ass father, he may rise to the occassion. Along with this discussion it must be made clear that this make up is for the family needs. He also needs to work out what he needs for his own wellness. Men need to look after themselves, so carving out time just for himself is important. Just as you need to as well. If he's working 40 hours a week, you need 10 hours from him a week. Ways to do that: read to the kids at bedtime (2.5 hours per week), go for a hike on weekends (4 hours), seeing a movie. We incorporated a ritual where at dinner we weren't to have any negative talk so we would take turns sharing the 3 favorite things about our day. This is such a great way to get to know each other.

Don't let lack of communication and failure to understand his complete role in the family derail your marriage. One guarantee is that if you leave your husband it will make your sons feelings of alienation go from a sadness to a traumatic wound. Multiply that by a thousand should your husband remarry and have more children, who he will likely spend more time with because he realizes what he missed out on the first time.