Apologies if this is long, but I'll try to set the scene so no one can come back and say I'm drip feeding 
Is it possible for someone to be a covert narcissist and use DARVO tactics without them being aware of it? Is there a way to highlight my husbands issues to him and the damaging (I assume?) effect it's having and on me and the children that will make him realise and want to change?
Husband believes he is the greatest dad in the world. Admittedly he does do an incredible amount for the children and I. He runs his own business mainly working from home, does 60% of the pick up and drop offs, takes them to their activities if I'm working, spoils them by buying them the newest latest toys, bikes and 'things', works to send them to private school, etc.
But... he's got a lot of issues that have caused me an immense amount of distress and I can see now he's starting to treat DC1 the same way, meanwhile DC2 sees all the chaos going on.
I have diagnosed ADHD (and most likely undiagnosed ASD). It's likely both my children do as well. DC1 is really starting to struggle now that they're in secondary school. Can't focus on work or tasks that are asked of them, homework takes hours to do because they're constantly getting distracted, they can't sit still or be quiet at home and are always getting up, singing, making strange repetitive sounds, complaining that they don't understand, etc. Time at home is a nightmare. In addition. They experience anxiety, don't understand social cues or tone of voice, have low self esteem, constantly asking if we like them, making comments saying they're stupid, saying they wish they were dead (but they always worry about dying). It breaks my heart into 1000 pieces when I see my then struggle. DC2 is still quite young so they don't seem to be struggling as much.
My husband refuses to acknowledge that there is anything 'different' with my children and refuses to let me seek help to get them an ADHD diagnosis. When I highlight the fact that I've been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult and mention it's hereditary he flips out and yells at me saying "they're nothing like you" and gives examples about how outgoing the children are and what things they're good at. He has threatened me with divorce when I've tried to get them help.
Over the past year or so I've become increasingly convinced that my husband is both a covert narcissist who often uses the DARVO technique and gaslighting. If we have an argument or I manage to prove him wrong by stating a supporting fact, he gets very angry with me and always has to flip the argument onto me so I'm the bad one and he becomes the victim. He cannot take any form of criticism. Most arguments end up with him flipping it on me and focusing on the fact that my salary is awful and I don't make enough money.
For example the other day two of my DC1's friends needed a ride home from school because their father never showed up to collect them. Husband had gone to go collect DC1 and they asked if husband could give the other two children a ride home. Husband said ok and took them home, but the door was locked and no one was home. Husband called me from the car irate yelling at me saying that 'he doesn't have time for this, and how he's so stressed and has to run a business' he was yelling and told me that 'you (me) need to deal with this and it's my fault because their mother is my friend'
He is always the victim and he sees injustice in everything. From extended family never inviting him and his single parent mum along on holiday with them (and even still now not being invited as a fully grown adult on their family holidays). He's always reminding us how much he does for us, how he does far more than any other dad, that he 'won't be around forever' etc.
Below are only a few things he's said to me (keeping in mind I have ADHD (diagnosed at 40, so under achieved and felt like a failure my entire life with poor mental health):
• You just need to try harder
• You don’t remember because it’s not important to you
You need to contribute more
You don’t care
• You’re in your own world
• I don’t get you
• You cause me so much stress
• we’re not meant to be together
• You’re holding me back
• You need to step up and be a parent
• You don’t care about the kids otherwise you would have known X,Y,Z
• I’m done with you
• You’re no help
• I will never forgive the stress you put me through
• you bring everyone down with your negative energy
And things he says to DC1 when he's frustrated:
• “I’m done”
• “I’m done with you”
• “I’m leaving”
• “I’ve had enough”
• “What’s going on with you”
• “What’s wrong with you”
• “I give up with you”
• “Stop fishing for compliments” (when DC1 puts themself down or says negative things about themself)
I do everything for you
• Why is it so hard for you to listen?
• You destroy me
• Why do you do things just to get a reaction?
You’ve got life too easy
• You’ve got no discipline
Your tears mean nothing to me. You don’t take things seriously
Can you just grow up a bit. You’re very immature for your age.
• You love getting negative attention
What’s going on with you!?!
• You’re not thinking straight
• You’re really lacking focus right now
• You’ve really got some listening issues
No matter what husband is always the victim. He says he's never appreciated. People don't care about him. We'll never find anyone else that does as much as him. We'll never appreciate him until he's gone. Over the years and the way he's treated me I've lost almost every ounce of sympathy and emotion for him. I think to protect myself because I can never be right or good enough I have built up a wall and just try to ignore him most of the time as best I can - at least in front of him. So I am probably colder and less sympathetic and emotional towards him which annoys him because he thinks he's the shit.
He loves our children more than anything and I know he does try and do all he can to provide for them and only wants the best for them. So I don't think he's not consciously aware that he's a supreme asshole. I'm wondering if there's hope for him. Is there a way to get him therapy or show him some videos that will make him realise his behaviour is toxic?