My parents are hurt that I didn't tell them my sexuality before

[Theonethatdidntgetaway]

I hid my sexuality from family until a few years ago. Everyone else (friends colleagues etc) knew and sort of always has, I didn't really 'come out' everyone knew I liked women, I had some unsuccessful relationships with men then just stopped that and dated women only, there was no big 'thing' made of it amongst anyone I knew.

But since being 19 I lived a good hour and a half from family and part of the reason for this was to make it easier to hide.

I was too scared to come out to my parents or family. I am not sure exactly what of other than being disowned. I did not think they'd be happy about it, particularly my parents. I am close to my Mum but don't have much of a relationship with my Dad. He's volatile, angry, was abusive to me as a child.

I did try to come out to my Mum but was met with contempt, I just 'tested the water' asking her questions to try to ascertain how she might react and ultimately, it was a no.

Anyway one night some years back, I got far too drunk-you can see where this is going and I told my Mum (over the phone, then I put the phone down and instantly regretted it). The next day I sent an email to my Dad who she'd have obviously told, and he sent me one back saying in essence how selfish and horrible I was.

They've been 'sort of' okay about it. My Dad said he didn't believe me, which was slightly upsetting but I think he does now. He doesn't accept me, but then he never has done.

The thing is, whenever this has come up over the years they tell me how hurt they are that I thought they'd disown me, what sort of horrible people I must think they are to think that of them.

I was so scared, which is why I didn't, it wasn't that I thought they were horrible, I just thought they'd not 'get' it and I was scared of losing them and it just felt safer. My Dad has never liked me anyway. It also wasn't such a big problem because I lived far enough from them.

I have never been married because of this, never had children. The selfish part of me wants to think that this is MY thing, not theirs and they do not have the right to be upset-but I know this is untrue, of course they have a right to their feelings.

As I've said, it has been a few years and it hasn't ever been discussed thoroughly enough. I want to have the conversation and make it known that I didn't want to lose them and I had heard their homophobic comments and was just afraid, but I am still not quite ready for this as my feelings feel too raw, and unprocessed.

I brought it up with my Mum once about that they did express finding gay people weird and I'd heard their negative comments and she said 'That's different! You're our daughter!'

Any input welcome. I just need to not leave it like this.

I have a different username for this post.

Yes they are entitled to their feelings about it but so are you - you felt afraid and they should at least try to understand that. It sounds as if they are focused on what it means for them rather than what you might’ve been going through.

I think all you can do is repeat a core statement when it comes up along the lines of ‘I’m sorry you feel that way, perhaps you can try to understand how scary it was for me’. You probably won’t change how they feel but you can change your reaction to it.

That sounds very hard. But you were right! Your parents are making it about them. Another thing to blame you for.

"I did try to come out to my Mum but was met with contempt". And then your mum tries to say it's your fault for thinking they might react badly?

"I just need to not leave it like this". Why? Because they are still being unpleasant to you?

Sadly I don't think an attempt at a reasonable discussion with them about this will get you anywhere. You've already been scapegoated. Save yourself the pain and either reduce contact or just don't listen to them trying to put this on you.

Maybe have a think about why you feel like it's on you to sort out why two unpleasant people are being unpleasant to you. Perhaps take a look at the stately homes threads that support people with crappy parents. I wish you lots of happiness!

Perhaps, if they've an ounce of self-reflection (but not much more) they're embarrassed that you didn't feel able to tell them. But not having more than an ounce, or being able to deal with their own emotions they're shit scared of facing what they have done to make you feel like that, so the easiest thing is to project that on you.

The reason you didn't tell them, according to them, is because of you and has nothing to do with them.

I wouldn't waste your time bringing it up with them - ever - because the discussion your soul needs won't happen. Instead they'll hurt you even further. And it'll likely feel devastating.

I'd focus instead on healing from your childhood. I don't come on here and throw around the "get therapy" line because I don't think it's always helpful. In your situation though, you clearly have uncomfortable feelings left over from your childhood and if you have this discussion with them you'll likely need some therapy afterwards. It'll inevitably require you to deal with childhood issues. So skip the extra emotional pain and cut the discussion out.

Remind yourself that you were actually right not to tell them. Your instincts were right. Because you told them and they've turned it into a gaslighting situation. They're tolerating you, not accepting you. They haven't disowned you but they're not ok with it either. They're accepting it through gritted teeth. Disowning you would make them look bad in this time too. I'm going to bet they don't want to look homophobic to the wider world.

I’m not sure I could be bothered to go into depth with them. I’m sure if they gave it any real thought they would work it out. Maybe just write them a short letter explaining if you must.

It would be healthy to live your life to the full and not be held back by worries about their opinions.

I’m so sorry this has happened OP, aside from the first sentence, the first paragraph is how it should be - this is who I am!!

I have a friend who has come out late in life after marriage and children, she has spent so long terrified of being anything other than the heteronormative that she just went along with everything. Internalised homophobia is very much a thing and can be so detrimental.

You had reasons for not thinking it would go well and to a general extent they have come to fruition. This is not about them, other than their role to make you feel loved and safe. Can you take some time to think solely of the way they make you feel and why and when you are ready, address it with them (if that’s what you want - it’s ok if it’s not)

If you don’t already listen to the Out with Suzi Ruffell podcast I highly recommend it- for her guests and letters from listeners give great insight, guidance and hope.

To be clear, it's gaslighting because of this: "The thing is, whenever this has come up over the years they tell me how hurt they are that I thought they'd disown me, what sort of horrible people I must think they are to think that of them."

That last part, after the comma is classic gaslighting.

It's not "Oh my goodness! I feel so bad that I ever gave you the impression that I would disown you! I think you're right that I've said some things that could have made you worry about that. I'm sorry - sorry for giving you the impression and also sorry I've done something that's meant you've had to hide and live with that fear. I love you so much. I really feel bad about that. Now, do you have a girlfriend? What's she like? Have you been together long? Will you bring her over one day? I'd like to meet her." Maybe not all in one go, but that's a condensed version.

Instead they've DARVO'd you (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) by making themselves the victim here and attacking you with the part where they say you hurt them. But they didn't stop there. They've used that classic line above to imply there's actually something wrong with your thought process, your cognitive and psychological processes, that led you to come to such a hurtful conclusion. Your mind (way of thinking and understanding information your receive from the world around you - their words and behaviours) is wrong.

I've written that out because I think this may possibly be a common dynamic in your interactions with them, which is why you're both not annoyed at being gaslighted and feeling confused about it all.

You were right not to tell them when you first knew.

My mother was the same. Im bisexual though. When i was younger i said i was not straight and she said it was just a phase..i was angry. Shes also homophobic and i can't tell you what she classes lesbians as...its too crude. Her fella was massively homophobic too. Difficult. But i just carried on with my life ..they are at fault. My private life is no one's business.. including family. Same goes for you OP.

I can see both sides in this. I'm also gay, and came out later in life. I had been married to a man and had other relationships with men, though had been with women too but never discussed it with anyone, not even my friends. Internalised homophobia is real.

Then I met the woman I married. I had to be with her, so I told everyone. My parents reacted very badly, as I always knew they would. They were hurt that I had hidden this from them. Terrible things were said and we didn't speak for a long time. Then we reconciled and they loved DW and all was well.

Now DW has left me. I know that my parents would prefer me to get with a man next. As though DW was "a phase". I won't, because I like women and don't find men attractive in that way. I think it's partly generational. But also my parents will just be happy if I'm happy.

The can't make homophobic comments and then complain you didn't tell them It sounds like you're better off without them.

It's none of their business.. I never announced I liked men. My dm had 2 gf's that I know of as well as 2 marriages to men. Wasn't a big dramatic announcement... Wasn't my business.. Tell them to stfu or you will just stay away. Can't blame you if you didn't take anyone home at all given your df's attitude anyway.

That's exactly how I felt/feel @KellyJonesLeatherTrousers . And then I wondered if that was selfish of me, I do feel guilty I didn't tell them, like I've just been a big fat coward.

@PenguinFlipper I suppose I want to explain that it wasn't that i felt bad of them or that they're awful people. It's hard because, well as I've touched on in the OP, it isn't that I've ever had an issue with being gay either. I've never disliked myself for being gay.

I'll reply to the rest later, I do appreciate these replies, thank you for taking the time.

Oh, you sound so guilty about your parents accusing you of thinking badly of them!

It's not your fault. You can't fix this because you can't fix them.

Of course, it's up to you, but if you do want to try to "explain" yourself, please protect yourself a bit. You seem to be assuming that they are kind, rational people who will of course see your point of view if only you can explain it right. Please consider what happens if in reality they are not kind or not rational or for some other reason not interested in listening to you. If it doesn't go well, don't necessarily conclude it's your fault. Again.

Imagine how you'd treat your kids in the same situation. Would you act like they've done? If not, why not?

Take care of yourself and good luck.

It is not about them. It is about you. They may feel bad because you did not feel that you could trust them before. Ok that is a very human feeling, however if they still bring it to nowadays they have to grow up. Because it is not about them.

Do they feel bad because you were young and processing a lot of feelings? No. Do they feel bad because they feel they not were there for you or gave you the wrong impression? No, they feel bad because you did not told them, well everyone has secrets/ very private stuff and more at a young age.

I would literally told them to grow up. YANBU to think they are a bit OTT.

Quite. They were homophobic, you thought they would be homophobic. Now, they are full of "OMG how could you think we'd be homophobic?". It's gaslighting bullshit.

A good parent wouldn't say those things in front of a child.

A pretty shit parent would say those things but would also say, "fair play you being gay has made me rethink, sorry".

A terrible parent would react as your parents have.

@PostOpOp quite possibly they're feeling a bit embarrassed. Projection, I hadnt thought of that but I am not saying you're wrong-it is possible.

I could consider therapy, I am a therapist myself and I do see the value in it. My Mum has accepted it now but there is still thisissue for her and I feel that her and my Dad (who doesn't really accept it, he has become colder and colder toward me since) have conversations about how wrong things were of me. Yes, that could be true. They're in their late 70s/late 60s respectively and the world is a different place to when they were young, or even my (early 40s) age.

@poptypingchef I did fully realise how lucky I was to not have to have some big sad coming out story! It was just me, to everyone else. I feel for your friend-and yes the world is still heteronormative.

I will have a think about it because if I am honest, a lot of it was 'feel' rather than things said or done although there were definitely some of them.
Not heard of that podcast, thank you.

@PostOpOp again, that does ring true really. Very cleverly put too-I admire your intellect and way of writing, I appreciate your taking the time for me. Really interesting-I guess the way I have been raised and interacted with meant that I would haev never had those sorts of thought processes. It's odd as I am very close to my Mum and always have been.

@Loubelle70 I won't lie, I am intrigued by what she calls lesbians! I am sorry you went through similar.

@Elektra1 I am sorry you went through that and for their bad reaction it just shouldn't happen.

@campionsturges yes they did make those sorts of comments but apparently thought that I'd know they didn't apply to me!

@Octobermeterreadtime ober that is a good point isn't it! Heternormative society-I understand we're the minority but it isn't as if we have an agenda for anyone who isn't.

Thank you for all the food for thought everybody. There just feels to be an elephant in the room. I will sort my thoughts out about it.

@Theonethatdidntgetaway What my mum called /calls lesbians made me feel disgusted, at myself when younger (for fancying women) . because she instilled in me that it was disgusting even if i knew deep down it wasn't. It made me for a short time an internalised homophobic...i hated that about me. I now know this wasnt me..it was all her. I never came out again to her, i still am private about it to family etc..small village backward mentality. Its sad isnt it?.
However i am very open with my grandson about sexuality, gender etc...my daughter was also raised to accept what people identify as...including herself. I dont presume anything..we don't stick to saying to my grandson "when/if you get a girlfriend" we say "when /if you get a partner, man, woman, etc'.. i said same to my daughter. Acceptance.

@Loubelle70 that made me genuinely feel so proud of you for rejecting the values indoctrinated into you.

Yes, small village mentality is definitely prominent in many people's situations. It is very sad and I am sorry you had to go through that but serious well done on that evolution within you!

It's also sad that my parents were/are entrepreneurs, came from nothing, grew a huge business, really quite wealthy well-travelled innovative people-STILL this is an issue

@Theonethatdidntgetaway thankyou, that's very kind. Im proud of myself, for hopefully destroying that circle of hate and unacceptance within my very immediate family.

Anyway, back to you ♥️...im sorry about your family and your hurt...youd think your family would accept you as you are but they dont always. Its all about stigma and preconceptions isnt it? Does that override your sexuality to them? Yes. Its not personal OP... Honestly its not. That doesn't excuse them for their outdated beliefs though, but rather that you can move on whether they accept it or not ♥️

OP, as a bi-woman in her 40s, I feel for you. I was fortunate to have had (now deceased) the sort of positive thinking mum who my friends would turn to in time of need.

My first reaction would be to say give up on them as others have suggested. But l hesitate here, as l have a number of friends who were estranged from their parents until they died and now live with regret that they did not try harder to resolve things when they were alive.

l would suggest rather than leaving the door open, leave it ajar. But importantly, be proud of who you are. 🌈

If you’d have told them at 19 they’d probably have claimed you were too young to know for sure or something. And they know it. They’re actually angry at themselves, for putting you in the position of hiding something important about yourself because you knew they’d take it badly. They have obviously at least accepted that this is you, this is real and they don’t get a say in it. Which is a start. But they’re still struggling with it, even if only because you felt you had to hide it, and they have turned that round on you instead of owning their own discomfort.
I wouldn’t bother discussing it in detail with them. Don’t apologize, but don’t fish for apologies from them either. They know now, and it sounds like they will make peace with their own feelings about it, and with the knowledge that retrospectively it’s damaged your relationship between your leaving home and now. Probably your mum will get there first, since your Dad clearly didn’t make you feel safe and accepted even without knowing about your sexuality.
Hopefully your relationship will improve from here :)
If/when you have a partner you’d like to introduce to your parents, I suggest floating the idea well in advance, then meeting up on neutral ground where you can escape after a while (pub lunch or something), and pre-warning your partner that it’s likely to be an awkward meeting!

I've just not really considered my 'sexuality' any of my parents' business. They've met my (longer term) boyfriends and exhibited everything from mild disapproval to a warm welcome. But I've never discussed my interest in and activities with other women, or anything more, shall we say, "esoteric" or non-mainstream that I've done. In the same way, I wouldn't expect them to tell me about their sex lives!

Of course, families differ in terms of what members consider it appropriate to talk about, but surely there's a case to be made for some level of privacy and discretion?

@AlexaAdventuress - That logic is fine until you have a long term partner and you want to take her to meet your parents.

Aren’t sex lives and sexuality a little different? I’m not trying to be awkward here, so much as thinking out loud.

Well, if I had a long term female partner and we decided to bring my parents into the conversation, @StarlightLady we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I don't suppose it'll be a problem though. They've met me with a variety of male and female companions over the last thirty years and I haven't gone into detail as to whether said persons are casual acquaintances, close friends, FWBs, or romantic partners, though they've no doubt made their own assumptions. Sometimes it's just because we've been in the area and called in on them. In some cases discretion covers both the overall orientation and the detail of the activities. For example I wouldn't say to my parents 'I'm into BDSM' and wouldn't go into detail about the nature of the activities either!

Their awful behaviour perfectly explains why you didn't feel comfortable coming out to them.

They're your parents and are supposed to make sure you know that they love and support you unconditionally.

You have nothing to feel bad about. x