My parents are hurt that I didn't tell them my sexuality before

[Theonethatdidntgetaway]

I hid my sexuality from family until a few years ago. Everyone else (friends colleagues etc) knew and sort of always has, I didn't really 'come out' everyone knew I liked women, I had some unsuccessful relationships with men then just stopped that and dated women only, there was no big 'thing' made of it amongst anyone I knew.

But since being 19 I lived a good hour and a half from family and part of the reason for this was to make it easier to hide.

I was too scared to come out to my parents or family. I am not sure exactly what of other than being disowned. I did not think they'd be happy about it, particularly my parents. I am close to my Mum but don't have much of a relationship with my Dad. He's volatile, angry, was abusive to me as a child.

I did try to come out to my Mum but was met with contempt, I just 'tested the water' asking her questions to try to ascertain how she might react and ultimately, it was a no.

Anyway one night some years back, I got far too drunk-you can see where this is going and I told my Mum (over the phone, then I put the phone down and instantly regretted it). The next day I sent an email to my Dad who she'd have obviously told, and he sent me one back saying in essence how selfish and horrible I was.

They've been 'sort of' okay about it. My Dad said he didn't believe me, which was slightly upsetting but I think he does now. He doesn't accept me, but then he never has done.

The thing is, whenever this has come up over the years they tell me how hurt they are that I thought they'd disown me, what sort of horrible people I must think they are to think that of them.

I was so scared, which is why I didn't, it wasn't that I thought they were horrible, I just thought they'd not 'get' it and I was scared of losing them and it just felt safer. My Dad has never liked me anyway. It also wasn't such a big problem because I lived far enough from them.

I have never been married because of this, never had children. The selfish part of me wants to think that this is MY thing, not theirs and they do not have the right to be upset-but I know this is untrue, of course they have a right to their feelings.

As I've said, it has been a few years and it hasn't ever been discussed thoroughly enough. I want to have the conversation and make it known that I didn't want to lose them and I had heard their homophobic comments and was just afraid, but I am still not quite ready for this as my feelings feel too raw, and unprocessed.

I brought it up with my Mum once about that they did express finding gay people weird and I'd heard their negative comments and she said 'That's different! You're our daughter!'

Any input welcome. I just need to not leave it like this.

I have a different username for this post.

I can't see what they feel is wrong with you except that perhaps less likely to have DGCs. Surely it is worry over what their friends might think, for them. And any other concerns are disguising this.

I think their reaction is solely down to the fact that you were right about them. I would tell them that it’s a big deal coming out and that the majority of people are on edge doing it, for exactly the reason you were. Maybe there’s a support page online they can read up on, articles about how it feels to break these news to family and how daunted many feel? 100% they will have already seen and heard of others coming out who were equally nervous … it’s very common. I think they’re just being difficult.

I remember when I first met my niece’s gay best friend and he said “Hi I’m X and I’m gay”. I burst out laughing and said “Sorry… I find that really funny and part of me wants to say hi I”m Vallmo and I’m heterosexual”. We have a good giggle about it but deep in my heart of hearts I long for the day when he doesn’t feel he needs to preface a conversation like that.

Your parents sound like horrors.

I have often wondered what would have happened to me had I been gay? I’d never have had the confidence to tell them because my dad is also angry abusive etc and I completely get why you weren’t about to open up on that front.

They should be ashamed that they raised you to feel vulnerable in front of them. I think that’s really sad and it’s the same as me. I’d be telling them that if I had the courage, but I know I wouldn’t.

You put off telling your parents because you were worried how they would react. And look how they reacted, you were right to be worried. If it hadn't been that there would have been something else- you should have said it in person or wrote them a letter.

They feel less of a failure if they blame you and make you feel bad instead.

Have you considered going low or no contact with your dad? I wouldn't engage in the conversation anymore. If they bring it up I'd shut it down.

@Theonethatdidntgetaway I’m in my mid 60’s op and in the early 80’s being gay was perfectly ok in my world so it’s not just your dp’s age.
My df is 92 and very proud of his gay dgs.
I think whatever your sexuality you would have a tricky relationship with your dp’s.
Focus on yourself and if you’re happy to continue doing so just keep them at arm’s length.

Really good post.

Yes I agree with @PostOpOp too. Sometimes you've just got to 'park' the issue because further discussion would yield more conflict and unpleasant personal remarks which take a lot of time and energy to recover from. Anyway, sometimes people's sexualities and attractions grow and evolve - maybe starting out pursuing a heterosexual path and then focussing on same sex attraction later. You can't easily lay it all out for (potentially disapproving) parents at the age of 18.