“They are just jealous” is this really a thing!?

[UrbanGirlWithStyle]

All my life I have compared myself to others and I have a really strong work ethic. This means I have sacrificed my time and probably relationships to boost my career. I have done very well for myself but over the past 10 years or so since doing well, I’ve rapidly lost friends.

Whilst I’ve been working hard I’ve still shown up for my friends, dropped them meals when they were unwell, sent flowers, had them over for dinner and been as reliable as possible but it always seems to drift apart.

When I discuss this with the close friends I have kept, they all say “ it’s because they are jealous of you doing so well and want what you have”. Surely this is just a cop out!? This can’t really be a thing?

I am a severe worrier and overthinker so whilst those around me say it is because of jealousy, I’m left feeling like I’m an awful person, terrible friend that intrinsically no one wants to be around.

Is jealously actually a motive for distancing a friend?

thank you

Honestly? I hate it when someone accuses someone else of being “jealous”. It’s actually quite a rare emotion and affects men as much as women - but only women are accused of being jealous.

How old are you? If you are in your thirties, that is an age where you often lose more casual friends but the ones you keep are solid. I wonder if you’ve been making an effort with the wrong friends.

People sneer at “the Rules” but most of it is about investing in people who invest in you. If you realise that you’ve made the effort again and again then step back.

Jealousy is real. I had loads of friends when I was down on my luck who are seething now I'm at a happy place in life. They take it personally and negatively if your life turns around for the better.

I hate "they're just jealous". It's usually just a way of not looking at what's really going on. People say it to bullied kids to try to make them feel better-but kids know it's just minimising nonsense.

@OneRingToRuleThemAll "Jealousy is real. I had loads of friends when I was down on my luck who are seething now I'm at a happy place in life. They take it personally and negatively if your life turns around for the better."
I think that's really unlikely to be the case. "Loads of friends"? Really?

The thing is, people only really care about themselves and what they are doing. Jealousy requires an investment in the lives of others which most people can’t give.

I've been jealous and avoided people when I thought they didn't deserve what they had because they weren't nice people or worked hard and appreciated what they have or looked after it, enjoyed it, shared it where appropriate. Sometimes they bragged, were arrogant or acted superior for it, very self unaware of their perks and luck which rubbed me off in the wrong way.

My jealousy quickly disappeared and I even grew to appreciate them and like them more when they were still humble and kind despite their privilege or fortune they were sensitive and grateful.

So it could be jealousy or it could be normal life drifting apart or it could be you are doing something that puts others off. Maybe when you did those lovely gestures they were on your own terms but your friends needed your presence not your presents but you're too busy with work, I don't know.. it could be them or you however like there I'd this saying about it being from jealousy there is also a saying if it's always happening to you it might be a you problem, common denominator and all. I think you need to be really honest with yourself and that means acknowledging your own flaws, any possible misunderstandings from your behaviour and shortcomings not just seeing your martyrdom and what you did and well and gave them... I'm sure you've heard of the 5 languages of love, it's about loving people how they want to be loved.

I think ‘they’re just jealous’ is just something people say to friends to try and make it sound like it’s the fault of the other person and try and make their friend feel like they’re successful. I think it’s one of those empty things though, in reality I think you’re right and people don’t distance themselves from friendships due to jealousy very often. If you’ve had multiple friendships drift apart I don’t think it’s likely that jealousy played a factor in each one, that’s not to say it’s anything you’ve done, people do drift apart, priorities and interests change, it’s normal for some friendships not to stand the test of time.

You admit that you sacrifice time and relationship ships to boost your career, this has probably had an impact, some friends probably wanted more time etc than you were able to give. Some people need friendships to be more intense than others, it’s okay that those incompatible friendships have petered out and it doesn’t mean either side was to blame. Saying the other friends were jealous makes it sound like it was their fault, in reality you probably both just wanted different things from the friendships or didn’t have enough in common to maintain the friendships over the years.

Well, jealousy could be a motive for someone distancing themselves from you, even if they don't recognise that themselves. That said, there could be lots of other reasons too, maybe your lives have gone in different directions and you just don't have enough in common anymore? Without sitting down and actually talking about it you have little chance of finding out the real reasons. I do think it's a bit big headed when people assume someone is jealous of them, though I don't think that's what you are doing here (it seems like others have suggested that idea to you).

Exactly. It puts the ‘fault’ squarely onto other people and while this may be appropriate if it’s a young child experiencing bullying, it’s not a useful comment to an adult who may need to consider their own behaviour.

OP, assuming you have had no indication that your success has contributed to you losing friends, is it not possible it’s just natural drift? You sound as if you put a lot of ‘work’ into your friendships, but that’s largely irrelevant to feeling close to someone over long periods.

It could be jealousy but I'd say more likely to be a case of different stages of your lives and different priorities.

Hard to say.
I've experienced similar.
I think the right word is envy though , not jealousy

It's said on here all the time no matter what is posted 'maybe they are jealous' or the more psychic 'they're just jealous'

I think 'really? Do you genuinely mean this or do you have issues yourself?'

it sounds like a cop out because it is a cop out

especially since that even when jealous, people don't drop friends they like. it's just a sort of natural course of life that people drift apart unless they really enjoy each other company / have things that connect them.

in my opinion, if a friendship needs a lot of extra effort / going out of one's way to maintain the people simply forget about it

Thank you all so much for your comments. I really agree, which is why I’ve posted and you’ve given me the clarity I need.

I think there is this whole stigma about “ the more successful you get, the smaller your circle becomes” but it does seem like a poor excuse.

I’ve just turned 30 so the friends I’ve lost are all busy in their own lives too so it could be the drifting apart thing.

I also do have really low maintenance friends that I rarely see but when we do, it’s the best time and as if no time has passed. They’re the best kind of friendships!

I guess I just feel that by not having many close friends anymore I’ve lost a lot and I’m sad about it.

hearing that it is a common thing at my age as people become parents and have new pressures makes me feel a bit better!

People cite ‘fair weather friends’ a lot, to describe friends ditching them when times are hard, but I’ve definitely had more experience of ‘foul weather friends’, who, while not ditching me, definitely get a bit funny when something is going well for me that isn’t going well for them.

Of course jealousy is real. I don't know why people deny that.

I love my friends dearly, but I recently wrote and published a book that did very well (late in life career shift), and I have a few very close friends who would like to be writers or think of themselves as writers but have never really pursued it, or pursued it the wrong way, and I've had quite a lot of comments that felt quite spiteful but which were clearly lashing out because of jealousy that they didn't make it as a writer.

These are friends I love, who I consider my family, who have been there for me through the worst moments in my life. I don't want to lose them but it's painful to have to ignore hurtful comments that are obviously jealousy.

My best friend and her sister in law have this very jealous relationship where if one does something or gets something (a new car or holiday) the other is wildly jealous and will bitch about it endlessly and plan how to one-up her.

You see comments on here all the time that are clearly motivated by jealousy. If someone mentions that they're very thin (within the context of a medical concerns, not teeny tiny humble bragging) it's almost guaranteed someone will lash out and it's clearly insecurity over their own weight and jealousy that they're not thin.

The thing is, people only really care about themselves and what they are doing. Jealousy requires an investment in the lives of others which most people can’t give.

But that's exactly where jealousy comes from - people are jealous of others because they are focused on themselves and their own needs and ways in which they feel they're not getting the things they feel they deserve in life. Idly noticing that someone else is thin, or drives an expensive car, and feeling jealous because you desperately want to be thin or have an expensive car, is not "an investment in others" - most people do pay attention to those around them and normal humans are certainly aware of what their friends' lives are like. If someone was so self-absorbed they literally never noticed someone else's existence at all, that's extremely unusual because human psychology just doesn't work like that.

I think we’re talking about different things. I would describe noticing that someone else is thin or has an expensive car and wanting that for yourself as mild envy. I don’t think many people would drop a friend because of mild envy.

Jealousy is a terrible fear that someone else will take away something valuable to you. It can sometimes manifest as a conviction that, because someone else has something (house, attractive partner), they have somehow deprived or prevented you from having the same sort of thing. It’s a much darker, more consuming emotion than mild envy.

Re whether other people really notice much about others - try wearing the same colour top every time you meet up with someone and see how long it takes them to notice that you always wear that colour. It’ll be much longer than you’d expect. Teenage girls notice stuff that others do and wear but adults do much less.

Misery loves company.

@OneRingToRuleThemAll I recognize that. They loved me when I was down on my luck but as soon as things inevitably started to go right (because of working tirelessly to make things go right, not luck) there were constant attempts at taking me down a peg or two. I think it was superiority complex and they couldn't handle it when they perceived me to be doing "better" than them. It took me almost 2 years to decide to remove them from the Christmas card list. It was very hurtful at the time and I tried to get to the bottom of it a few times but ultimately it wasn't worth it for them to get it out in the open and move forward as friends, the passive aggressiveness just got worse so I messaged them to tell them why I was blocking them then blocked them. It's still hard and makes it awkward for our mutual friends but I can't be around people who purposely attack my mental health for some kind of warped gratification. It's very damaging to realize that the very people who you trust to have your back are only trying to figure out the best way to stab you in it.

Some people are incredibly petty, be it envy or jealousy you're lucky if you haven't been on the receiving end of bitter "friends".

Yes, this.

What age are you op?

From your post about career I'm going to say 30s. I think alot of this is often more to do with different life stages. I'm not as close to alot of friends as I have kids, a stressful job and a compete lack of time.

I have 2 groups of friends 1 group are similar in that they all have young kids and careers so we are still close even though we only see each other every couple months. Often just a meet up in the park with the kids and some coffees

My other group of friends are more single or at least child free, still go out partying ect. I don't see them as often as I have to arrange childcare ect to go on childfree evening which is not always easy.

I'm extremely jealous of another school mum. I don't even know her that well, she's in the next life stage of that makes sense. She's about 7 years older than me and her children are end of primary she goes on loads of fancy holidays, appears to have the perfect marriage and loads of friends. Always out drinking and holidaying with these friends. Everyone seems to love her and she comes across very positive and bubbly. I know I'm jealous so I dislike her for it. It's not her fault it's just me.

I'm the the young baby stage and although I've a good income I can't enjoy it until the little ones are out of nursery. I don't have many friends and I struggle so try my mental health.

It's just a friend-filter. If they're leaving you because they're jealous, they're not decent friends anyway. If they're leaving you for some other reason, they're not good friends anyway.

There's no over-thinking to be done. There's barely any thinking to be done. Those who care about you make sure you're ok and keep in touch.

Just turned 30!
It’s really hard. I lost a friend recently who suddenly blocked me on everything. There was seemingly no cause and to be honest as I thought we were close it really hurt me. I recently had a promotion, we work in the same industry and I know it is as a promotion she had been wanting for a while. With this specific friendship break down, she blocked me as soon as I announced my promotion. I think that’s why others wonder if it was jealousy but I still don’t think that’s a good reason as we were so close before!

well, this one sounds pretty clear cut, but I don't think (and hope!) this is a common behaviour

thinking about it ive seen this stupid advice online few times - "if what your friends posts upsets you then block them on everything". Maybe she thought you were bragging and suffered from a severe case of thin skin?