“They are just jealous” is this really a thing!?

[UrbanGirlWithStyle]

All my life I have compared myself to others and I have a really strong work ethic. This means I have sacrificed my time and probably relationships to boost my career. I have done very well for myself but over the past 10 years or so since doing well, I’ve rapidly lost friends.

Whilst I’ve been working hard I’ve still shown up for my friends, dropped them meals when they were unwell, sent flowers, had them over for dinner and been as reliable as possible but it always seems to drift apart.

When I discuss this with the close friends I have kept, they all say “ it’s because they are jealous of you doing so well and want what you have”. Surely this is just a cop out!? This can’t really be a thing?

I am a severe worrier and overthinker so whilst those around me say it is because of jealousy, I’m left feeling like I’m an awful person, terrible friend that intrinsically no one wants to be around.

Is jealously actually a motive for distancing a friend?

thank you

To be completely honest, it could be this. I’m really active on social media as I have to be for my job so often post things on LinkedIn and Twitter about what I’m up to. It’s the industry we are in though so she is the same.

On my socials I definitely big myself up but in person I’m really reserved and shy if that makes sense. She knows this though and so do my close friends. I’d hope if this bothered them they’d just limit my feed or speak to me about it rather than distancing themselves.

Sorry, I feel like I’m drip feeding information but I’m conscious of being found out and the more I’m thinking about it the more I realise!

unfortunately it is more likely that they will just distance themselves because it's easier. If Person A already thinks that Person B is a bit full of themselves they are unlikely to bother with confrontation. It may not even necessarily be envious of anything in particular, just have their feathers ruffled by the apparent bragging as we are often taught to not do it (especially women, because double standards!)

So true. It’s such a shame isn’t it. Men seem to get away with it most of the time but when women share their achievements it’s frowned upon!

Going no contact and blocking is such huge trend now. Christ if I hear
" boundaries" one more time I'm going to scream . When I wasn't doing so well be it emotionally , financially I had quite a few people around me but now I'm actually doing really well I haven't seen them for dust including family . I think jealousy is around everywhere I think people cover it up .

absolutely, unfortunately not much you can do about it, so if people delete themselves out of your life just let them go and don't overthink the reasons. Good ones will stay :)

and some people are just weird - i was once blocked by a friend of mine and her husband after posting on my facebook that I was happy to have lost some weight. Complete with a long passive-aggressive rant...and we were all in our late 20s to mid 30s at the time 🙄

You didn't 'lose' that friend; she chose to freeze you out. It's not a sad event, it's a hurtful act. You're looking to jealousy to justify people; they're just people who haven't treated you very well. Find better people, don't question the motives of the shitty ones.

I think we’re talking about different things. I would describe noticing that someone else is thin or has an expensive car and wanting that for yourself as mild envy. I don’t think many people would drop a friend because of mild envy.

Yes, that's very true. Jealousy and envy mean different things but people (including me, I have to confess) use them interchangeably.

So it is really envy we're talking about, but envy isn't necessarily mild. Envy can be all-consuming, if the person has underlying insecurity issues surrounding the thing they're envious of. If someone is very envious, they absolutely might drop a friend over having something they want.

And envy can be the tiny little piece of grit in the oyster shell, because if one person gets something the other is envious of, it can completely change their relationship dynamic.

I have a lot of friends who are aspiring writers who I have to be so careful around to avoid triggering envy, and feeling like I have to watch every word doesn't exactly make for a healthy relationship. Maybe this is unique to creative careers, but a lot of aspiring creatives base their self-esteem and identity on their success, and feel that someone being more successful steals that from them in some way. My best friend and I had a very specific dynamic that was not very equal, and based on their terrible sibling dynamic, and envy/jealousy is playing a part in triggering insecurities that rely on our dynamic never changing.

I know you are being kind but I would find making meals and sending flowers a bit overbearing.
Are you sure you aren't just trying too hard eg texting and calling every week.

I don’t mean making meals and sending flowers all the time! I just mean I’m the type to know what is going on in their lives and would send flowers if it’s been rough news or make a meal if their husband is away and she’s unwell- I don’t think it was overbearing as it was gratefully accepted! I almost think I was being taken advantage of and now dropped.

We inherently know the genuine hug the genuine smile the genuine pat on the back . We inherently notice the back handed compliments and the fake so pleased for you stretched congratulations . Sometimes it takes an event in our own lives to weedle out the friends who really arnt friends but those who feed off our faults our sad times our dissapointments . Who seem to rally oh so hard when we are down and will talk for hours on end about our failures and our bad relationship . But where are they when you step up when you succeed when your happy and glowing . Seething in a corner because they can no longer control your emotions . As you get older you master the art of weedling out the negative narcissistic false behaviour and hopefully what your left with is a few lovely people who love it when your stars align and vice versa . You will know the difference in their company you will feel so positive in their company and they yours . Time is precious learn this as soon as possible . This is also a very male and female situation men can be just as jelous and competitive . Nip it in the bud I say and don’t let them suck the life force out of you . Bec let’s face it we all know people like this . But the beauty of life is we can freely choose who we have in it . Our gut never really lets us down go with it .