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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I really need to stay in contact?

30 replies

BananaSlug · 30/09/2023 20:56

My ex didn’t see our children for 2 years, he came back in contact last year and has seen the children 4 times in a year. The last time he saw them was early may. I would like to block him as it seems contact has stopped again. However I’ve been told this will make me look bad. So do I really need to keep in contact with him even if he isn’t seeing our children? He messages to ask things to me and I don’t really want to speak to him since he isn’t involved with the children. I don’t just want to ignore him as I would rather not receive the messages.

OP posts:

Olika · 30/09/2023 21:00

Personally I wouldn't respond to him unless he writes you something relating to the kids.

Dullardmullard · 30/09/2023 21:02

Do it through email only or a phone only for him and turn on once a week

tell him to take you to court now as he’s messing with the kids heads. Offer visits when convenient to you

repeat that does not work for me we can do this date and time. Keep records of everything.

Also how old are the kids if older they can decide what they want.

Original poster

BananaSlug · 30/09/2023 21:04

I don’t respond but I don’t like the constant reminder of him texting me? If he is not seeing them I don’t want him texting me. The kids don’t want to see him.

OP posts:

MissingMoominMamma · 30/09/2023 21:04

Perhaps let him WhatsApp, but archive it, so you don’t look unreasonable (which you’re not!!)

OurChristmasMiracle · 30/09/2023 21:09

I would send 1 final message.

“if or when you are able to be a meaningful consistent part of our children’s lives and rebuild your relationship with them then you can ask a legal representative to contact me, until that time please do not contact me further”

It makes it clear that you aren’t preventing contact but that he needs to prove that he is committed to your children.

Reugny · 30/09/2023 21:12

How old are the kids?

Secondary age then he can contact the child(ren) directly using snail mail if he doesn't have their phone number(s) as he has your address.

The fact he probably isn't sending birthday and Christmas cards means he won't until they are 16 or 18. (Then they may tell him to f off.)

If they are all primary age then give him your email address - you should really have more than one as one should be used to sign up to crap - and check it once a week. Block him on your phone.

Don't bother telling him to go to Court or anything. Let him slowly work it out for himself as you need to spare your children agro with being forced to wait around for him to turn up.

All Court does is force you to make the kids available at specific dates and times but doesn't mean he has to turn up.

Olika · 30/09/2023 21:13

OurChristmasMiracle · 30/09/2023 21:09

I would send 1 final message.

It makes it clear that you aren’t preventing contact but that he needs to prove that he is committed to your children.

I like this

Original poster

BananaSlug · 30/09/2023 21:23

He wouldn’t go to court so that isn’t an issue, he would never do that. It just sets me on edge every time his number pops up. I don’t want him on my WhatsApp as I don’t want him seeing my pictures.

OP posts:

Redlarge · 30/09/2023 21:24

Block him. Tell him to get a solictor to write to you if he wishes to establish regular contact

Welshwonder92 · 30/09/2023 22:03

Can I ask, what sort of things does he message about? The children or other stuff? That may help understand the situation a little better x

Original poster

BananaSlug · 30/09/2023 22:28

Sometimes it’s about the kids, asking how they are etc but other times he is messaging me asking to borrow money, which I found odd as we don’t speak and aren’t friends and I had only seen him twice again when he asked me for money, then telling me he loves me, again I found this odd and uncomfortable then other times just random chit chat which I don’t respond to.

OP posts:

Welshwonder92 · 30/09/2023 22:38

Thank you that’s really helpful! I would do as previous poster said, only reply when related to the kids or do the email thing and respond (child related) once a week. I’m sure he’ll get the hint then (fingers crossed!)

Original poster

BananaSlug · 30/09/2023 22:40

So I still need to stay in contact if he isn’t seeing the kids and update him on how they are even though he isn’t seeing them? I guess that’s what I’m asking and no he won’t get bored he would happily stay a pen pal forever as it takes 2 seconds to send a text and makes him feel better about himself.

OP posts:

crystalize · 01/10/2023 00:25

Block the loser. Or just leave contact open via email and only respond if its about the kids. He asks to borrow money? Kids don't want to see him? Tells you everything really.

HoneyBadgerMom · 01/10/2023 00:38

"Look bad"? To whom? And who cares?

HoneyBadgerMom · 01/10/2023 00:39

BananaSlug · 30/09/2023 22:40

No. You owe him nothing.

Original poster

BananaSlug · 01/10/2023 00:50

People keep telling me to though even on this thread so I need to respond to him if it’s about the children even though he doesn’t see them? so if he wants to see them after not seeing them for 6 months I’m suppose to say ok? Or I’m suppose to keep in contact with him on the off chance he may ask to see them after months?

As for looking bad I was told it will make me look bad to the children. I don’t care what others think but apparently it will reflect badly on me and they will hate me (other people have told me this)

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 01/10/2023 01:07

Who told you t would make you look bad?

Just block him and be done with it.

Original poster

BananaSlug · 01/10/2023 01:15

When I asked for advice on another group about blocking.

OP posts:

brielliance · 01/10/2023 01:24

BananaSlug · 30/09/2023 21:23

I don't really understand your dilemma/posts but what you can also do is remove him as a contact and set your Whatsapp pics/posts to contacts only (I imagine you don't want them public anyway). Then archive and mute his convo.

Original poster

BananaSlug · 01/10/2023 01:28

My dilemma is can I block him from contacting me. He is not on my WhatsApp and I wouldn’t have him on there. This is text message but I want to block his number as he doesn’t see the children, no issue with contact if he is seeing them but he doesn’t so I don’t see the need to remain in contact.

OP posts:

Original poster

BananaSlug · 01/10/2023 01:29

He is already blocked from WhatsApp I blocked him on there 2 years ago when he stopped having contact for 2 years as I didn’t want him seeing my pictures so he is not on there anyway.

OP posts:

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 01/10/2023 01:35

He needs to have some means to contact you so either text or email. So if you wanted to say here is my new email address and set up a new email solely for contact with him you can check that sporadically and block his texts.

Personally I wouldn’t be responding to texts/emails about how the kids are just texts/emails about visitation. If he wanted to know how they are he can see them!!

RantyAnty · 01/10/2023 01:38

BananaSlug · 01/10/2023 01:15

When I asked for advice on another group about blocking.

So a bunch of randoms.
Just block him. Nothing bad will happen.

brielliance · 01/10/2023 01:40

You can, but imo you shouldn't. Agree with earlier message about leaving email open for if he wants to see the kids.

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