Now what?

[lostmyway]

Not sure why I am writing this down or if I am in a fit state to think constructivly at the moment.

DH and I have just had yet another arguement ,par for the course just lately.

Last night he was in a foul mood and can only describe his attitude to me as obnoxious and over bearing.
Some may say mental torture and the way I feel now it probably is.

I am not the easiest person to live with.
I have anxiety issues and try my best to keep everything together for the childrens sake.

Last night he came home and interacts with children and is civil to me when he has to be but when the children were in bed he just goes on and on at me .

I told him I could not live like this anymore na dhe just says take the children and see how far you get.
Not sure what he means by that.

He said if I think I will get this house I am misktaken if that is my plan.
(the house was bought for us by his father)

Well tonight just the same but he came out with some things that I am finding hard to deal with.

He came in 2 hours later than he said,his phone was off when I tried to ring him .
He admitted he did this to get back at me.

It then escalated into the usual put downs of what do I contribute to the family home as he goes out to work.

Then he said I am a miserable bitch and he comes home for the childen and trys to ignore me and he said I'm not sure why I am talking to you at all after last night.

He tells me how if I ma not careful I will get myself into trouble.
When I asked him what he meant he said I would drive him to doing something .
I said like what,and his answer just stunned me.
He said cut my throat.
Then it would be just him and the children.

I was trying to keep it together and did'nt want him to see he was upsetting me.

I said you would do that to your children ,take there mother away and he said they would be better off without me.

I just broke down hearing that.
I am a good mother and for your husband to tell you you are not for me was worse than hearing him say it would slit my throat.

He just stood behind me in silence whilst I was crying and said now maybe you'll realise how bad it is.

He still carried on and on and then fianally went to bed telling me that I am up my own arse.

reading this back I can't quite connnect me to this post and not sure what I expect in posting it just needed to get it out of my head .

Oh you poor woman, I am shocked at his bullying and threats. THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE AT ALL. You don't have to put up with it, and you shouldn't. Take yourself off to the CAB and get armed with some real information about exactly what you would be entitled to if you left. Knowledge is power and you need to take some power back from him.

please please please read what you have written again and then realise what he is doing to you

by stripping you of your already fragile confidence he is taking away your power to be strong enough to move on, without him and his nasty jibes

you will be all the better and stonger for it

this is awful - what a vile man. do please find out your rights and have a long think about whether or not you should stay in this relationship.

Oh my god that's awful. Have just posted myself and sat waiting to see if I get any replies and now having read yours I feel what am I moaning about.

How can you stay after he has made a threat to you like that? I know I would no longer feel safe. I could not imagine my husband just standing behind me whilst crying no matter what I had done or why I was crying.

Reading your message it sounds like you have come quite away along your journey but maybe too far to go back and make amends. I don't know. It is only my thoughts and feelings. We all say hurtful things in the heat of the moment. I'm sure he did not mean they would be better off without you. He just wanted to hurt you. Yet at the same time he sounds like he is giving you a very hard time. Thankfully not in front of the children.

Good luck with it all and I hope you get some more replies with some good advice.

At best, this is vile intimidation.

At worst, well, you read, don't you, every so often ......

Assuming it's "only" words (and obviously I hope it is), do you really want to be with someone who could be so threateningly cruel ?

It IS mental torture.

Dear lostmyway - thats dreadful. I can't offer any advice but couldnt read and run. this isn't normal - you say you aren't easy to live with, if you are or you aren't, its irrelevant - this isn't about you not getting on, he's threatening you in the most despicable way. Don't feel that this is a dispute or a relationship problem between you - this is his problem. Seek help - you dont deserve this.

you need to get away from this vile piece of shit and take your children with you.....im sure that your anxiety problems will lessen babe....you are better off alone than with a low life shit bag of a man that mentally abuses you

LMW - what appallling behaviour. He's a complete arse.
What do you want to do? Do you want to leave him? Is this just a bad patch or is he constantly like this?
You do have a choice you know, nobody has to put up with that sort of treatment.
You are the mother of his children and you deserve respect. Do the dc ever hear / pick up on the way he treats you?
Go to the CAB and find out what your options are. At least then you can make a plan if things get any worse.

Thanks for the replies,I am just sat here feeling numb and have no one in real life to talk to about this.

I know people say things in the heat of the moment and he had had a few beers but he was not drunk which makes it worse .

I said I could phone the police with a threat like that which I would'nt do but he just said go on them and they will have me sectioned .
Then said if anyone should be sectioned it should be me.

IT's difficult to describe but it's almost as if he is enjoying upsetting me and says these things with an almost grin on his face.

And he kept coming into the kitchen then going put again and saying more and more and I accused him if trying to make me into an unfit mother and he just said I was paranoid and I needed to sort myself out.

Not wanting to give too much away,maybe my paranoia showing but my son has SN and am helping out at the school and he kept saying I am too far involved with his problems and too close to the problem to help him.
Also that my anxiety is not helping him and I am the cause of his problems.
His teacher has said he is doing really well with my help but DH just said that's because I lie to the teacher about how he is doing.

I keep really strong for my DS and have fought all the way to help him and DH has made me doubt myself.

It's heartbreaking dealing with DS's SN day by day and explained this too him but he made me feel responsible which is unforgivable.

If his dad bought the house, is it in his dad's name? If it's in both your names then you have more rights. If it is his name only but you are married you will also have rights.

Anyhow. It seems to me that you are only communicating with eachother through threats, him to do you damage, you to go to the police.

Have you ever threatened to leave and take the kids? Or has his 'take the kids and see how far you get' comment come out of the blue?

If you are both behaving badly towards eachother then maybe you both need to realise that you must make changes. Can you not go to your husband and admit any blame you may need to and work from there?

lostmyway would you stand for it if you heard any of your friends or even children being bullied?!

what makes you think that your deserve this treatment

by the sounds of it you are a very caring, involved mother and he is just using these callous hurtful words to wear you down and try to make you believe them

please don't

no bloody wonder you're anxious, I would be a nervous wreck

wouldn't hurt to report it to the police, you can go to the station and see them in conficence so they have a note of these threats - nobody will think you need to be sectioned, they take domestic violence issues VERY seriously

please, for your own sake, make a decision to move on, cut him out of your life and start again, I would imagine the sense of relief would be enough in itself

i think you should leave asap
that is not a healthy enviroment to bring up your children
i think he needs some help - that is not a normal thing to say

beaniesteve - I see what you're saying about joint blame but he threatened to cut her throat with a knife no wonder she wants to call the police, I would, in an instant. this is the man she married, had kids with, shares a bed with and this is what he tells her

agree about the house though - thats needs sorted through CAB - his dad didn't buy it for him he bought it for you as a married couple and hopefully the deeds will reflect that

As far as the house is concerned it's a bit more complicated than that.
It is in trust for my DS and nothing is further from my mind than taking it.
I would'nt do that ,I just want hi to understand what he is doing here,it's not about material things.

As for going to the police I would'nt do that ethier , for my children's sake.
He knows that.

I have never said I would take the children away from him,for one thing we have no where to go and for another I would'nr do that to him he is a good dad to them.
I meant in the context of he needed to take some responsibility and let me know whren he is coming home and not turn his phone off all the time.

He said tonight it is his phone and he does'nt need to be beholden to me .
I just want some respect.

He keeps saying you now where the door is and see what happens but as he pointed out the law of the land is always on the mothers side.
Not sure what he means by this.

I know this is not healthy and my children must pick on the atmosphere.

I keep telling him this but he says it is me and I am the problem.

Have you got friends/family nearby? Or has he, by any chance, driven them all away? you need to get out of this situation as soon as possible, this man is potentially dangerous. Get in touch with WOmen's Aid who are great at helping in this kind of situation (someone will be along with the link and the number any minute I am sure).

Message withdrawn

women's aid 08082000247

phone them when he's at work tomorrow - you need someone to talk this through with - you need to know your options

I don't understand why you wouldn't go to the police for your children's sake, I wouldn't want my kids around anyone that made such violent threats as that to the person he calls his wife - am not meaning to pick on you or your husband but are you maybe clutching at straws here? you don't need to be the one that goes, he can go and see the kids when he can assure you he can be civil and contain his temper

am sorry but have seen too many cases of women who have not saught help from the authorities for the sake of someone, your first priority should be you so your kids have you in their lives to look after them

please please at least seek some advice from citizens advice bureau re this

My parents died quite a few years ago ,my mother had been ill for a long time althrough my growing up .
My father died 4 years later .
They had been married for 44 years.

My brother died really young just after my DD was born.

Am now sat here in floods of tears as would so love to see them now and for them to have known my wonderful children.
I never got to say goodbye to any of them.
Was too late.

Have sisters and nieces but could'nt burden then with this.

DH's family live abroad and we only see them maybe twice a year if we visit them and have broached this with them before but his father got annoyed with me and it was never mentioned again.

He has never threatned to hurt me before but the verbal abuse has been on going on and off.
He has'nt been this bad for a while.

At christmas we got into an arguement and he was right in my face and holding onto my arms so I tapped him onthe head to get him off and he slapped me quite hard across the face.

This is just too much at the moment.
With my DS'sproblems to deal with it takes all my time and energy to make sure he and my DD ok and will admit it is a struggle for me.
But they are my priority.

Would never admit I can't cope as am scared what would happen.

lostmyway - you ARE coping you just can't see it. You have suffered awful bereavements, lost the support of close family, coping with DS and DD, regardless of their needs children are hard enough, all without the support of DH. Not only does he not support you - he increases your anxiety/bullies you and physically abuses you - do you seriously think you wouldn't cope without him causing you this much stress on a daily basis?

he has slapped you and now he has threatened to cut you with a knife. its time to realise you are worth so much more and need to remove yourself from this unhealthy environment

am sure your sister would rather help you then sudenly realise a few years later that her sister had been a victim of donestic abuse

please seek help from somewhere

It is so dificult to explain.

My DS needs routine and don't want to do anything major that would disrupt this.
He adores his dad and am scared he would see me as the bad person in all this.

He needs the strcture at school which is nearby and i can't jepordise the progress he is making.

DH keps saying you know where the door is knowing full well we have no where to go so don't know why he keeps saying this unless he wants it to look like I am taking the children from him.
This confuses me and not sure what his thinking is behind this.

he is being a bully and by letting him away with all this you are just allowing yourself to become more anxious and confused. you need to do something, you cannot obviously continue in this way and I think the kids would be ok if their mother was happy - children are very adaptable

am not suggesting you pack your bags and march out with no plans etc but would you please start seeking SOME advice or guidance about this

pp already gave you the women's aid number which I am sure will not show up on your bill and Citizens advice beureau can help you with the house - you may not need to leave but am sure you'll feel stronger within yourself when you know there ARE people who can help and adivse

Got a blinding headache today and am still feeling numb.

DH left early this morning so have'nt seen him since last night.

We need to sit down and have a serious talk but not sure were to start.

Why is there a d in front of dh? This man is a sick twisted fuck. I'm so sorry to be so rude, but you need to see it and get out. No wonder you have anxiety problems. Who wouldn't living with this psycopath.