Guilt will not go away - cheating

[Cottagepie6435]

I have been married 10 years. A year before we got married, I cheated on my husband. I kissed someone else and no excuse is good a good enough reason to have done that.

I did confess to him at the time because he has every right to decide if he still wanted to marry me after what I did. He of course was devastated, and after some long talks/time to think etc he decided that yes, he still wants to marry me. I struggled to get over my own guilt which almost ruined our relationship but after some therapy we managed to pull through.

At the time I told him if he had any questions at all, no matter how much time has passed I will always answer them honestly and truthfully. I have since put in work to grow as a person, and we have had no issues in our marriage

Fast forward to 2 days ago we were watching a movie. The person cheated on their spouse, and my husband went extremely quiet and turned the movie off. I knew this had bought up feelings from the past so I tried to sit and talk to him to reassure him that if he needs to ask me anything i'll answer him. So he asked me if I had slept with the guy 10 years ago, I said no and that it was just a kiss

Dh was back to his normal self after an hour or so however for me it's bought back the immense guilt, and self loathing again - all of the feelings I felt back when I did it. I see our 2 children and don't feel worthy of having them, or being worthy of being a wife. I am being normal around them but I am struggling mentally again and I don't know how to let it go. I was the same when it happened and it lasted months, I can't seem to shake this feeling

I know. It's pathetic. I think I should also mention that since we got married he never asked me anything to do with it, it wasn't ever brought up. So for him to bring it up recently has for some reason bought all those feelings of guilt back - I guess because I thought it was chapter closed. Even though I told him he can ask me anytime, I still struggle with that feeling

Didn't want to read and run, but just wanted to say that there is not a single person on mumsnet that doesn't carry some kind of regret for their behaviour in the past. You are not alone. As humans we often grade different behaviours and if you compare yours to someone else's, you can feel better or worse, but best to look at the fact you have done everything within your power to put it right, and after all this time are still doing exactly that. The fact you have been faithful during your marriage has got to mean something it really has. And congratulations for making over a decade, many don't. That's one of my regrets.
I would say that after 10 years of being a faithful wife, he doesn't have any business taking it up again and honestly... he would've done a shed load of personal mistakes, most of which you won't know about and although they might not be unfaithfulness. they also won't be okay because they'll be human errors. That's just how humans are .

@LoveMyHome thank you for your kind words. Yes I do try to remind myself that we aren't perfect and I did make a selfish choice all those years ago but the work i've put in since then I just know it's something I could never ever do again

@Diddleflop I struggle a lot with overthinking/ruminating/self loathing and I just hate that i'm back in that hole again (since it first happened) and while i'm trying to be logical about it, I can't seem to shake it off

Sadly it's quite possible it was your husband feeling guilty and you picked up on that. I'd keep a closer eye on him.

He must have been delighted that you offered him a ready made excuse for looking shifty.

It was a drunken kiss but it was also building up of feelings for a month :-( and I was honest with him about it so he knows feelings were involved from my side but I did cut contact straight after. I guess in the movie it was pretty much the same thing which is why it may have reminded him or made him wonder if this is how it happened

With no mention of it for 10 years I genuinly left it in the past. Of course it's something that can't be forgotten but I felt I did my fair share of punishment for it and it was left in the past. The day we got married and said our vows for me meant a line was drawn beneath it considering he knew and we weren't going into the marriage with a lie. Now I feel like crap all over again

@PosterBoy @Diddleflop if he has something to confess then that would be a whole nother thing. In the past he's not really reacted to cheating in movies other than be shocked but he's not been emotional about it like he was the other day

He kept saying he wants to ask me something but that he doesn't want to bring it up again, and I obviously didn't let it go so kept pushing him to ask me as I didn't want it to fester

Sounds like an overreaction on both parts. If he felt uncomfortable with the film, just switch it to a different film. You’ve been together for 10 years and never had a difference of opinion over what to watch before? It didn’t need a heart to heart over “cheating”. As far as I’m concerned, he got over it the moment he was made aware then decided to marry you. He can’t hold it over your head forever and neither can you.

Also I’m shocked that this is the first time you’ve watch a scenario of people cheating together. Happens in plenty of shows and films. Hardly a rare occurrence. It seems really weird that this resurfaced things 10 years after the fact. V dramatic

No we have seen movies with cheating but this is the first time it's made him stop and ask me a question about the past

I guess it’s subjective but a kiss is hardly high up on the list of wicked deeds.

I wouldn’t have told him personally, but hindsight etc.

I almost feel like it’s a method of control.

Is there anything that he might be wanting leverage with?

This.

It’s a massive overreaction from all parties.

^
This

@Cottagepie6435

You are both being overly dramatic about something that happened 10 years ago and before you were married. It's reasonable to think that before you were married you both kissed and did much more with other people.

This I can't get other a kiss, or I can't forget a kiss is just a way of adding drama to an otherwise insignificant experience.

I doubt either of you will let it go because it adds a bit of titillation that you each gain some benefit from holding on to the non-event. Ten years ago you were younger and could perhaps blame youth for thinking that a 1 time kiss was meaningful, but you are both 10 years older and surely you have matured enough to place that event in an adult context.

If either of you are willing to continue letting this long ago non -event have an impact on your marriage, then you both should seek couples counseling or therapy.

@Cottagepie6435

Of course it can't be forgiven, because it does not require forgiveness. You are not some errant penitent and he is not a priest needing to give you absolution for some imagined sin. You were not a married woman breaking your marriage vows You were a single woman engaging in a drunken kiss. You are not some woman with a sordid past. Your willingness to place the invisible scarlet letter on your person, says a lot about you, and his ability to bring this up 10 years later says even more about him.