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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My daughter really doesn’t like me anymore

43 replies

Rustfringe · 30/09/2023 15:35

We used to be so close - not really sure what’s gone wrong - everything I say is the wrong thing. It’s been building for a few months - and it finally reached a head today. She’s says it’s her issue - but that doesn’t really make me feel much better. Anyone else been through this and get things back again? Or any wise words to impart. She’s 21.

OP posts:
TheSpikySpinosaurus · 30/09/2023 15:40

I'm really sorry to hear this. Sending you big hugs.

DustyLee123 · 30/09/2023 15:46

I feel your pain. I had this with my DD and then she moved out with her BF. I miss her company so much, we liked the same things and went to musicals together.
Everyone tells me that she will come back in time, but I’m not so sure.

PaintedEgg · 30/09/2023 15:51

she grew up - children naturally distance themselves from their parents, doesn't mean they don't like you. Just that they are now adults trying to navigate their life

Lemsipper · 30/09/2023 15:55

Sorry to hear this OP. There are likely underlying reasons….what’s happened in the lead up to this?

griegwithhimandhim · 30/09/2023 16:00

So sorry to hear this. It is tricky when they stop being teenagers and become fully-fledged adults. I suppose the only thing to do is to stop treating them like you're their mum, and treat them like a friend, albeit of a different generation. Mine is a few years older than yours, and we seem to have managed it ok. She draws herself up to her full height and reminds me when I overstep the line, and I back off!

junbean · 30/09/2023 16:09

Mine went through this and now a year later she acts like it never happened. Yay? Girls are notoriously hard on their mothers. It's a part of identity forming. Their brains are still developing until 25 so yours at 21 is developmentally on point. Give her space and she'll come back 💜

junbean · 30/09/2023 16:10

DustyLee123 · 30/09/2023 15:46

I feel your pain. I had this with my DD and then she moved out with her BF. I miss her company so much, we liked the same things and went to musicals together.
Everyone tells me that she will come back in time, but I’m not so sure.

She will. This is all part of becoming an independent person, finding their identity. They come back, especially when they need something lol.

Dweetfidilove · 30/09/2023 16:23

I’m so sorry OP.

She says it’s her issue, so I think you can only give her space to figure it out, then find her way back to you. If you push, it may have the opposite effect.

ishouldprobablygettherapy · 30/09/2023 16:31

All I can say is give her the space she needs to figure it out.
For me, at 17, I moved out. Cut contact. My mom would contact me regularly and it pushed me further away. When she finally stopped, a good few months later I went back to her. Had contact again.
Turns out nothing had changed and now at 23 there is no contact.
Give her the space she needs, and as long as there is no massive issues that you're aware of, I am sure she will come back to you ❤️

Mehmehmehmehmeg · 30/09/2023 16:33

She’s finding her own identity and is at the age where parents can feel like they’re controlling. This is often an issue in adult child/adult parent relationships. Be relaxed.

Original poster
Rustfringe · 30/09/2023 17:35

Nothing led up to it - she’s had a lovely childhood, we’ve always been supportive, always been there.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 30/09/2023 17:41

It's just a natural progression, you should see it as a positive, it means you've done a really good job that she has come to this point and even communicated that it's an issue .
She needs to go be an adult, figure out who she is independently from her parents and then she will come back to you on footing she is comfortable with.

Original poster
Rustfringe · 30/09/2023 18:05

Yes I’m planning to o give her space but I’m so hurt, my natural defence is to shut down emotionally build a big fucking wall and stay at the other side. I’ve come from an emotionally abusive family - I have tried to hard to make things good for my kids, give them the love and the support, have a functional relationship with them. I’m just heartbroken.

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 30/09/2023 18:08

I hated my mum at that age.

I got over it and we were always reasonably close until her death.

So will your DD.

Let her be. No point getting too distraught. It's a phase.

ThreeBearsPorridge · 30/09/2023 18:09

I really feel your pain. My daughter is 29 and very very difficult. She had a lovely childhood, we did everything for her. It's so painful. I have got to the point that I just keep my distance and stay polite. She's extremely volatile and very selfish. Just hope one of these days something changes but I have been so hurt by her I don't think our relationship will ever fully recover.

Pinkpinkplonk · 30/09/2023 18:10

Let her go and be an adult, emotionally detach a little, live your own life. You’ve brought her up to be independent and that’s what she’s doing. It hurts, but let her go. She’ll realise she needs you sooner than you think.

BellaAndDave · 30/09/2023 18:24

It’s an odd feeling OP when children break away from their parents. I absolutely adore our adult children and it was difficult when they started living their own lives as they don’t need you as much. The way I see it is DH and I raised strong independent individuals and as DH says “we gave them wings and now they’re flying all on their own”. I like his outlook ☺️

Original poster
Rustfringe · 30/09/2023 18:37

BellaAndDave · 30/09/2023 18:24

It’s an odd feeling OP when children break away from their parents. I absolutely adore our adult children and it was difficult when they started living their own lives as they don’t need you as much. The way I see it is DH and I raised strong independent individuals and as DH says “we gave them wings and now they’re flying all on their own”. I like his outlook ☺️

I am so happy for her to be independent- there isn’t an issue there at all. It’s the way she speaks to me that I am struggling with. Every remark feels laced with contempt - like I am the most irritating person alive. Every time she speaks to me like that I challenge her - she says she doesn’t know why she struggles - she just feels really angry with me. I’ve got friends who have gone through similar stages with their daughters - a few years older than dd. They carefully manage the relationship - keeping to safe topics when they meet - not asking questions, keeping socialising to a minimum - I just never thought that was going to be me.

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 30/09/2023 18:44

I remember being 21 and you want to be regarded as an attractive independent woman of the world. You want to be sexy and free to do what you like.

Having your mother around talking to you like a child (which you are in her mind) - worrying about you, asking about your relationships, questioning your judgement (even if benign curiosity) is all infuriating and goes against this emerging adult view of yourself.

Don’t take it personally op. It’s just the stage she’s at. She still loves you.

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/09/2023 18:46

You poor thing OP! Don't build a wall and hide behind it though. Allow her a lot of slack. Where does she live?

silvertoil · 30/09/2023 18:52

Don't put up a wall, do tell her you love her but do say you won't tolerate being spoken to with contempt. You're worth that and I think later in life she'll respect you for saying that.
Lots of good reasons why our kids have to go through this and 'reject' us as parents in order to form their own adult selves but she doesn't get complete license to disrespect you.

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/09/2023 18:59

Can you afford to get some counselling for both of you together? My immediate reaction was that she feels crap about herself and is taking it out on you. That isn't on.

Original poster
Rustfringe · 30/09/2023 20:07

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/09/2023 18:46

You poor thing OP! Don't build a wall and hide behind it though. Allow her a lot of slack. Where does she live?

She has moved back in with us to save money on rent and I think this is not helping.

OP posts:
Aozora13 · 30/09/2023 20:15

I was a right dick at that age, and really struggled living back at home. In fact I only managed a couple of months after uni and opted for flea bitten house shares instead! It was just part of becoming an adult - I’d been a fairly reasonable teen but really struggled in my early 20s (not helped by other shit going on). I was frustrated, rudderless and a bit frightened and took it out on my folks. I got over myself after a year abroad and am close with my mum (and dad) again thankfully. But living with them wasn’t emotionally viable at that point, even if it made financial sense.

YukoandHiro · 30/09/2023 20:16

She needs to move out. The only thing that improves parental child relationship at this age is distance and privacy: she's an adult and she needs to see herself completely separate from you. That's probably what's bugging her even if she can't articulate it

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