My daughter really doesn’t like me anymore

[Rustfringe]

We used to be so close - not really sure what’s gone wrong - everything I say is the wrong thing. It’s been building for a few months - and it finally reached a head today. She’s says it’s her issue - but that doesn’t really make me feel much better. Anyone else been through this and get things back again? Or any wise words to impart. She’s 21.

When she gets past 25 things should be a lot different.

I was very defiant at that age, and didn't get on well with my mum at all. It's all very different now.

She says it's her issue, what does she mean? That you annoy her and she knows that's unreasonable but she can't help it? Or that there's things going on in her life that are affecting her mood? Is she OK? Would she tell you?
If its just that being back home irritates her (and you as part of that) all you can do is give her space. Don't ask anything of her in terms of company as the more she senses the need in you the more she will pull away. Do your own thing and just be pleasant and non confrontational with her. Oh, and don't tolerate any outright nastiness or rudeness, or fuss around trying to please/placate her. She will not respect you for this and it will irritate her more.

I don't know, it's the first time she admitted there was a problem - I kept pulling her up on her attitude and there was always a reason that didn't quite work but she stuck with it - today I just called a spade a spade, told her it was quite clear that I irritate her and I wasn't going to hang around to be abused by her on a daily basis and I was leaving her for both our sakes.
I'm staying elsewhere tonight - we did not fight or use raised voices and we hugged before I left. I won't see her for at least 2 weeks as dh and I are on a work trip. But I don't think the 2 weeks thing is going to make any difference - we don't live at home full-time anyway so not really living in each other's pockets.

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I think you handled that perfectly OP. It's so important for an ongoing relationship of respect that you make it clear you won't tolerate unacceptable behaviour towards you.
You never know, now you've said your piece she may reflect a little. There's obviously still affection there. She just needs to learn that you are a person with feelings too and not there to absorb all her bad moods.
If you have the strong foundation of a good past relationship, then I do think with time, when she's got her life running the way she wants it, it will get better.
It certainly did for my and my mum, who I couldn't be in the same room with at your DDs age, as every word she said irritated me for some reason. Then two years later after I moved out, it just clicked back again, and she was my best friend until the day she died.

I hope so - I love her so much but not enough to hang around for a verbal kicking on a daily basis. Dh is furious with her, I don't think he's ever had words with her before - but she got them tonight, he told her if she couldn't behave she'd have to move out because he would not tolerate me being disrespected. And now I sit here worrying about her being upset - but I know I need to leave it.

One of my DDs was such an arse from 17 to 25. Exactly as you describe. The eye rolling contempt was hard to deal with. Even, ‘hi, had a good day?’ Was treated like an invasion of her privacy. It was so much better when she moved out.

I don’t think I’d be so accommodating about letting her stay in your home if she can’t even show common courtesy. My DD turned the corner about 25 and also by then had a much nicer partner. Now she’s in her 30s she’s never off my doorstep with her kids. We did used to say, you wouldn’t get away with talking to your friends like this.

However, she can still on occasions be a bit rude and over sensitive about silly things, especially if she’s tired. We just make sure we are too busy for a visit, if she is moody.

When I lived with my mum our relationship deteriorated rapidly. We both hated it. Every word irritated me. I knew it was her house her rules and I felt suffocated. It’s much better now we have our own houses. We are quite different people though and she always makes these little comments about my house not being clean enough etc. It’s perfectly clean just my clean and not her clean. She has no idea those comments irritate me, living with her was a nightmare for me as it was for her as we are independent people, neither of us are wrong we just needed to live independently. I’m sure it’s not helping being in the house together.

If you express worry for her she may interpret it as you saying she can’t manage herself. If you offer advice she may interpret it as you saying you know better or not listening to her. It’s possible she may feel like this and not even understand how she’s feeling or why. I think sticking to neutral common interests and being very careful about the topic of her life will be your best bet here.

I know and I agree, she asks me for advice which is tricky because often she doesn't want my advice she wants my approval, it's a tricky path to navigate - but I am just refusing now, I just say you don't want my advice - you always tell me I'm wrong so stop asking and have faith in your own decisions but she continues to look for advice and support - I'm not very good at reading something that needs work and saying it's fine - I'd really rather not look at it.

Ah yes, the need for parental approval never leaves us.

@ThreeBearsPorridge very similar situation here too, you aren’t alone x

Thanks, that helps . I’m sorry to hear you are going through it too. It’s broken my heart really.

@ThreeBearsPorridge @Onlinetherapist that sounds truly heartbreaking. People and their emotions can be very complicated.

I had a bumpy period with my mum at that age.

We were very close and she’d call me every day, and the calls would last for an hour plus.

She was having difficulty with my dad and I felt stuck in the middle, and overall the calls started to feel like her really leaning on me and being very needy when she needed to do that with a friend who wasn’t so conflicted. It was a lot of one-way traffic over a long period and I couldn’t hear it any more.

I tried to distance myself and change subjects/reduce the calls by saying it was a “me” issue, but I was trying to be polite. It was in fact her overstepping boundaries.

UPDATE!
I thought you lovely supportive people, who were there when I was really doubting myself and struggling with the change in dynamic with my dd, might like an update.
So I spent 2 weeks properly thinking about things - I kept communication to a bare minimum - we were travelling so that was easy enough - but I was determined not to respond in anger. She had sent me a touching apologetic message, so she had been doing the same.

When we met again we gave each other the longest hug. I held off the chat for a day to allow us to rebond and then we all sat down, dh included and I started by reassuring her that I loved her and I wanted this to work out but if we couldn't resolve this at the moment, she would have to move out. I laid out a plan - a fairly balanced plan that addressed the issues that I felt I needed to fix, the issues I felt she needed to fix - she agreed with all of my points and I feel like it has really cleared the air - the "atmosphere" that has been hanging around like a bad smell for weeks was gone and we had such a lovely weekend - where we spent lovely time together and no guilt about being apart. The "adult child living at home for a while" rules have been established and everyone feels much better for it.

Thank you all again!

What a lovely update @Rustfringe! I hope the atmosphere is still improved.

My youngest daughter is jealous of My older daughter. So She takes it out on me. We were all three so close. And now she hardly talks to us. I don't know what to do. She even has my grand daughter against me.

She just needs time to discover herself and who she is in the world. Perhaps you need to do the same and I'm sure you will be drawn back together in the future.