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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't understand and need advice

32 replies

Pleasehelp22 · 30/09/2023 15:09

Hi guys

First time posting. I don't really know where to start. Anyway, I've got 4 children. 3 are with my ex partner and one child we share biologically.

So, over the last year or so things have changed alot between us and my kids.
I don't know what kicked it all off but just lately I'm contemplating divorce.

He gets on okay with my eldest son but the younger daughters not so much.
I often find it's blame on both sides with me stuck in the middle. For example, today he told her to put the dog down as he doesn't like being picked up, she copped and called him a fat c"t. He retaliated by calling her a s*t. (She's 14 for goodness sake). I have a list of things he's called her. I dont know wby ive saved it all, maybe deep down i knew id need ut someday. Sometimes in retaliation and other times he starts it. For example, she was arguing with him and he threw half a cup of juice over her. I was absolutely mortified.

The problem I have is I just absolutely don't know what I should do about all this. Ive told him tomget anger managemrnt and counselling and he refuses. My teen i wuld say she argues with him bevayse she knows i wont argue with her. Id walk away. Ive told him to just leave it but he alwags has to have last word.

Should I stay or should I leave. I've asked him to leave before and he refused and said he can't afford to move out. I have no family I don't have anyone I can talk too except him..he says I'm too soft and give.in alot. Sometimes this is true. I. Getting old and don't have time for negativity. He says I should be more strict and punish more. I say he rules with a iron fist.

Help x

OP posts:
BIWI · 30/09/2023 15:13

He sounds awful - and also abusive.

Whose house is it?

Scarydinosaurs · 30/09/2023 15:13

That is awful language to use towards, and coming from, a fourteen year old.

Would you say your 14 year old has always been verbally aggressive towards your partner, or has she learnt to be verbally abusive from him?

It is no way to live. Throwing juice over a person is assault. To protect your children has to be your priority here - you have to leave him.

jiinglebells · 30/09/2023 15:17

I mean he sounds abusive and so does she.

Putting an animal down because they don't like being picked up is a normal request - calling someone a fat c*nt is not a normal response to this!! It's horrific and verbally abusive.

His response is also verbally abusive - I'd also be really concerned about the physical aspect of throwing juice, that's not normal either and assault surely.

So you think she argues with him because she knows you won't pull her up on it? In his shoes I wouldn't put up with that sort of language from her at all, she does need pulling up on it. But not by returning the insults!! Or assaulting her.

If he won't leave, can you leave? Who's house is it?

Original poster
Pleasehelp22 · 30/09/2023 15:21

It's my house but, he is on the tenancy.

She was such a lovely child. Then she hit 12 and 13 and turned into a moody teen. But I thought the moodiness was just normal teen behaviour. To me she has definitely found her voice In saying what she thinks and isn't afraid to voice her opinion.

The language is just awful on both sides.

OP posts:
BIWI · 30/09/2023 15:22

He, however, is the adult so should know better.

You need to get rid of him. It doesn't matter if he doesn't have anywhere to go.

Original poster
Pleasehelp22 · 30/09/2023 15:24

I do tell her to listen about the dog situation. It is a normal request..as she was about to put him down he said something and she called him a f"t c*t. Then he retaliated.

It is hard being stuck in middle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasehelp22 · 30/09/2023 15:26

He also said if he goes then our younger son can go with him and not stay with me. Due to my daughters mood etc. When he's not around she's lovely.

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 30/09/2023 15:40

Why are you allowing a man who is abusing your daughter to stay in your house? You're bleating about how hard it is being stuck in the middle when you should be solidly on the side of your children.

thecatinthetwat · 30/09/2023 15:45

He’s horrible and you need to get rid of him. Sorry op, but it’s that simple.

Original poster
Pleasehelp22 · 30/09/2023 15:45

Not bleating at all. When I do stick up for the kids he goes mad and says why are you sticking up for her when she's in the wrong. Also, the same the other way around. My daughter says oh your always on his side. So I really am stuck.

OP posts:
raven0007 · 30/09/2023 15:52

Your DD is lovely when he's not around. You have a list of things he's called her, and she's only 14. He's thrown liquid over her.... She's reacting to his abuse.

You contact the police, you explain you need him to leave to safeguard your children but he's refused. You get him gone and you apply online for a child residency order ( I think it's called something else now ) you can state the abuse of your daughter in it. You can say he has threatened to remove your DS from the family home.
It'll go to court, it's scary, you'll feel guilty and worry a lot that you've made things worse.

It's horrible and stressful. But if that's what you need to do then that's what you do.

KakiFruit · 30/09/2023 15:54

"Lovely children" often change into withdrawn, angry, unstable children when they're abused. Get him out now because the longer you wait the less likely she is to recover.

Watchkeys · 30/09/2023 15:58

Pleasehelp22 · 30/09/2023 15:45

Not bleating at all. When I do stick up for the kids he goes mad and says why are you sticking up for her when she's in the wrong. Also, the same the other way around. My daughter says oh your always on his side. So I really am stuck.

You're not stuck, you're choosing to stay. Take responsibility. Protect your children from abuse. So far, you've made a list, and now you're spending time deliberating about how hard things are for you, whilst your daughter is learning that calling people shit and cunts is appropriate and normal for adults.

raven0007 · 30/09/2023 16:11

Also OP, you're going to get a lot of comments saying you're allowing it etc the use of 'he goes mad' when you defend your child and the threats to take your DS makes me think he's also abusive towards you.
People that haven't been in an abusive relationship often miss that it doesn't happen overnight, you become conditioned, and you've said you don't have a support network around you to point out what is happening.
You've made the first step in acknowledging it's not right or normal, now you have to act on it.

Original poster
Pleasehelp22 · 30/09/2023 16:41

Reacting to his abuse. Damn. I never thought of it like that.

And raven, I came on here for advice. My head is wrecked and I don't know which way to go. I knew things were bad but it isn't until you get a outsiders opinion that I realise just how bad it is.

I know what I need to do. Thank you to everyone whose commented. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Pleasehelp22 · 30/09/2023 16:43

Thank you x

OP posts:
BlastedPimples · 30/09/2023 16:47

I think you have to put your dd first.

Get rid of your partner. He sounds horrible. He can't just take your shared child either. Vile threats which are empty.

He sounds horrible. Is he also horrible to you?

Original poster
Pleasehelp22 · 30/09/2023 16:56

He put his hands on my wrists and forced me down the other day. He sys he placed me down. I was upset the rest of the night. He said I'd got it wrong. The problem is he puts on this versade in front of others and they like him and it makes me feel like it's all me. Like it's all my fault. This is the only time he's ever done this. He insults my parenting style saying I'm too soft and I need to come down harder on children.

OP posts:
Mycutedog · 30/09/2023 16:59

Massively abusive on his part. He sounds absolutely dreadful. Thank God you own the house. Get rid immediately.

Mycutedog · 30/09/2023 17:03

Sorry just saw your other post regarding holding you down. I would go to the police about the holding down so that it is on record. He doesn't stand a chance of taking your son away. He is an abuser and I am not surprised your DD acts different around him. You need to get him out immediately for her sake and for her safety and for your own. Get him out and change the locks.

PaminaMozart · 30/09/2023 17:09

He needs to go! However, I don't understand this: "It's my house but, he is on the tenancy."

Is the home owned or rented? If the former, how long have you been married, and is he on the deeds?

If the latter, I'm not sure I what you mean. In what way is it your house if it's a joint tenancy?

Just trying to figure out how easy it will be to get him out.

Fladdermus · 30/09/2023 17:10

Go to the police, tell them everything.

Blueeyedmale · 30/09/2023 17:17

She called him a fat c*t she's a child he called her a s*t he's an adult saying that to a 14 year old child,OP sounds like abuse to me a children are very good judges of character and this is what she's reacting to

Pinkbonbon · 30/09/2023 17:30

Yes you should leave him. Juice throwing?!
Is he 4!?

But tbf if anyone called me a fat cunt I'd probably call them a shit too. Being 14 isn't an excuse for how she acted. She was told off for something reasonably, and she resorted to abuse.

She's learning bad habits from him and from seeing his behaviour tolerated.

WereYouListeningToTheDudesStory · 30/09/2023 17:31

What the fuck? You're staying with a man who threw a drink over your daughter??

No wonder she's angry. She's living with an abuser and a mother who is doing nothing to protect her.

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