I don't understand and need advice

[Pleasehelp22]

Hi guys

First time posting. I don't really know where to start. Anyway, I've got 4 children. 3 are with my ex partner and one child we share biologically.

So, over the last year or so things have changed alot between us and my kids.
I don't know what kicked it all off but just lately I'm contemplating divorce.

He gets on okay with my eldest son but the younger daughters not so much.
I often find it's blame on both sides with me stuck in the middle. For example, today he told her to put the dog down as he doesn't like being picked up, she copped and called him a fat c"t. He retaliated by calling her a s*t. (She's 14 for goodness sake). I have a list of things he's called her. I dont know wby ive saved it all, maybe deep down i knew id need ut someday. Sometimes in retaliation and other times he starts it. For example, she was arguing with him and he threw half a cup of juice over her. I was absolutely mortified.

The problem I have is I just absolutely don't know what I should do about all this. Ive told him tomget anger managemrnt and counselling and he refuses. My teen i wuld say she argues with him bevayse she knows i wont argue with her. Id walk away. Ive told him to just leave it but he alwags has to have last word.

Should I stay or should I leave. I've asked him to leave before and he refused and said he can't afford to move out. I have no family I don't have anyone I can talk too except him..he says I'm too soft and give.in alot. Sometimes this is true. I. Getting old and don't have time for negativity. He says I should be more strict and punish more. I say he rules with a iron fist.

Help x

Women's Aid are fantastic, try and give them a call if you can.
Once he is out of the house your DD will be become a secondary focus, you will become the primary. You've taken away the control from him, if he's abusive and he is that way inclined the only control he will have left is to take your DS. Which he has every legal right to do at the moment. You are married and he is DS biological parent. Combat this by getting the residency order in place as soon as you can.
He'll tell you you've overreacted, you may even believe it for a time, you haven't.
Any threats on his behalf, any unreasonable behaviour call the police.
It's very easy to say leave, kick him out, but the reality is it really isn't that simple. OP if he is abusive the most dangerous time for you will be when he realises he's lost the control, safeguard yourself as well as your children. Let neighbours know, change your locks, change your routine if possible. Make sure schools know in case he turns up there for your DC.

He is the adult here. He should be part of managing her unacceptable behaviour, not being just as bad. You don't do "She started it" with a child.

He sys he placed me down

And he thinks it's ok? Can you think of any other circumstances where it's acceptable for one adult to place another adult down?!

My lovely son started acting up and having anger issues at 14. I couldn’t understand what had happened to him, but it was the result of an abused child going through puberty.

I clung on to marriage because I’d heard children fared better when their parents stayed together, but of course, that’s arse about face. Children fare better in stable relationships, which tend to last. Staying in an abusive marriage “for the sake of the children” is never the right answer.

And raven, I came on here for advice. My head is wrecked and I don't know which way to go. I knew things were bad but it isn't until you get a outsiders opinion that I realise just how bad it is.*

You will get harsh comments because those of us who have also got daughters cannot imagine letting this happen. When you gave birth and looked down at her for the first time, would you ever believe that you'd let ANYONE talk to her that way? Come on now. She is a chd and he is an adult. He is supposed to be an exampme of how to behave. If he is saying "well she dod XYZ first" what he is saying is that he has the maturity of a 14yo. Do you want her to grow up and not talk to you because of what you allowed? Or grow up and have an abusive boyfriend she won't leave because she doesn't think she is worh any more?

Cop on.

I absolutely wouldn’t accept anyone calling me a fat cunt for asking to
out the dog down, that’s awful. He also is the adult so should walk away.

I would tell them both they need to improve & have some respect & I would add for him that he needs to walk away.

There is no more toxic combination then an abusive, harsh father and an enabling, soft mother. You are both letting the children down and although he's obviously going to get roasted here for being abusive and rightly so, your attitude of "not having time for negativity" is neglectful. You should parent your children and that requires facing negativity, setting boundaries and fair consequences. It's very unpopular opinion but teenagers need parenting yet they often don't get it due to adults not being bothered or being afraid of confrontations. Then we blame young people for their behaviour when they have no guidance at home.

I also believe that when one parent doesn't want to deal with children's acting out then another parent by default can become more strict because all discipline is on them. That doesn't excuse your husband at all as he sounds very abusive and there is no excuses for that but he shouldn't be the only bad policeman when you just walk away and give in.

You really have to get on board and change this toxic situation or separate. No child deserves to be called names of have items thrown at them. It's unacceptable and can't continue.