Does your partner make you feel good about yourself?

[Brokendream]

And how does that feel? (Or what’s it like if it’s the opposite?) Coming to the realisation that my long term partner dosent make me feel good about myself, and I’m not sure if he has for a long time…

I’m just struggling with what a good relationship is meant to feel like… how it should make you feel. If anyone has any thoughts they’d be much appreciated!

I’m an overweight, boring, hairy-chinned woman in my late forties and he makes me feel beautiful, womanly and truly wanted…I never had that even when nice looking in my twenties.
He finds my views on everything interesting, and we can chat for ages about anything.
He remembers the small things about the inner-me, thinks to buy me chocolate each month before I even realise I could do with it, is gently caring before painful anniversaries of bereavements etc.
He happily chooses to spend spare time with me, not doing anything particularly interesting just being with me because he likes me.
I feel very content and peaceful, and finally understood: accepted and valued just by being me.

Oh that’s beautiful thank you for sharing @EnchantedCastle

That last bit really struck me:
‘I feel very content and peaceful, and finally understood: accepted and valued just by being me.’ I’m realising I don’t feel this at all in my relationship sadly.

My current partner makes me feel safe, asks about my hobbies. Questions when he notices I’ve lost interest in something. Usually asks when the last time I’ve spoken to my friends when he notices I’ve been working too hard and haven’t made time to socialise. Although we are quite opposites (he actually enjoys the cooking, and ironing and is neat and I’m quite scatty and last minute) we joke about it but we try to meet in the middle so we don’t irritate each other. I realised we tend to do very brining everyday things together like groceries and walks. Although sometimes we do have moments where I feel that we are just floating and maybe we could encourage each other abit more and work towards building a future.

I have been in a relationship with someone who was interested in me but only for their own benefit. I would make plans for us to go out and he would cancel last minute. We argued because he felt I was more ambitious than him and although we had a laugh, when we argued he would always bring up things that he hated about my personality as opposed to the issue itself. That was miserable. We have a child together but fortunately we are at a place where the only conversation we now have it about our child.

Hope you are OK though x

Thanks @MadamPia, glad you are in a good place now. Your partner sounds really thoughtful.

This but really stuck out for me about your previous partner -
‘when we argued he would always bring up things that he hated about my personality as opposed to the issue itself’.

This is how my current relationship is - there is a feeling of being disliked at worst and tolerated at best I would say. We’ve been together for many years and I’ve only just started to realise that it shouldn’t be this way.

Yes, my husband makes me feel good about myself. We have been together for 25 years. He tells me fairly often that I look lovely. And not only when I’m dressed up nice to go out. Recently I was sitting in bed looking at my laptop with my reading glasses on and he said ‘you look so healthy at the moment- your skin looks radiant’. But he gives broader compliments too, like he’ll say that I’m a good mum or that he thinks I’m really good at my job. He is lovely. I give him compliments too.

I’m so sorry to read that you’re realising you might not be in a happy and contented relationship.

I was trying to think what to write, and this sums it up perfectly.

He actively arranges his time to spend more of it with me. We cycle together, wander round the market, go for lunch, do a bit of gardening or pick out bits for the house. Have some separate friends and equally some mutual friends so we have time apart and time socialising together.

First relationship where I feel not only heard, but like he makes an effort to understand.

Yes mine does. He makes me feel like the most beautiful desirable woman (I am very much not!!!) and champions me in my job - thinks I'm the best at what I do. Works both ways.

Well he’s now my ex, but he did make me feel incredibly sexy and desired. I do worry that my confidence will be eroded by not having someone in my life who thinks I’m really attractive (and tells me constantly), but time will tell.

Aw what a keeper - happy for you.

OP I was told you should feel cherished and a significant other should enhance your life. Sometimes put simply like that, it can give you that gut instinct as to to whether that's a yay or nay for you.

No, sadly not! Quite the reverse actually! I did post about this a few weeks ago, that I am made to feel humiliated, put down, undermined, degraded, 'odd', socially awkward, 'less than' and 'othered', told I am stuck up, posh, uptight, pompous, and a snob, because I am very quiet, reserved, sensitive, emotional, not interested in pubs, bars, cafes, eating out, drinking culture, gambling or going to noisy, crowded environments and would rather spend my, admittedly low, discretionary money on tangible things, rather than ephemeral stuff like alcohol, nights out or eating out.

I am making plans to exit this relationship, but haven't quite got there yet. I have autism and do not like confrontation and know what I need to do, but cannot face the inevitable, for me, emotional fallout.

I wish, how I wish that I could just be in a relationship where I feel valued, desired, important and loved just as I am, complete with faults and imperfections, quirks and shortcomings, and not be made to feel low down the priority list, despite the fact that I know I am irritating, boring and 'bland'

Sorry, I did not intend to bring negativity to a positive thread

He builds me up, never tears me down. Today, for example, I have my hair scrunched up, hormonal spots from pregnancy (12 weeks) and he said I was ‘just beautiful’ today. I’m not feeling it, not at all. I feel more like a bloated moody cow. He made me smile. He does things like this often. He’s wonderful. He makes me feel wanted, desired and so unbelievably loved.

I've put on ALOT of weight in the 14 years we've been together.
I3m at my heaviest and I tried to bleach my hair blonde to feel more feminine and I ruined it and had to shave my head off.

I am morbidly obese and have barely any hair, I'm getting skin tags and hairy chin, and he loves and adores me so much.
There's nothing he wouldn't do for me.
He tells me he loves me, thinks I'm the most beautiful person in the world, and gives me little kisses and touches all day.
I am so lucky, and I think everyone deserves someone that makes them feel utterly adored.

Yes, after almost 20 years, he still does. Today, he booked a nice lunch out for us, just because. Told me I looked beautiful (I’m not) and that he was so proud of me. Regularly tells me I’m the best person he knows (I am definitely not!), would give more the shirt off his back or his last breath if I wanted or needed it. Engages enthusiastically in my (ridiculously expensive and time consuming) hobby, because he knows how happy it makes me. He’s a good man and I love him very much. But, it works both ways. I try to make him feel good too, with compliments (that I mean - I still fancy the pants off him!) doing things that he likes but I hate, with a smile on my face, being supportive to his dc (after 20 years they are simply my family, so that is no hardship to me) making his favourite meals, which I hate and don’t eat, but he loves them, booking things for him that I know he will enjoy. We are each others favourite person and whilst we do of course spend time separately with other people, including weekends/holidays away, we both prioritise spending time with each other.

I’m on my second marriage-been with my husband 14 years. He always tells me what a wonderful person I am, compliments my intelligence, notices things he loves about me and tells me how happy he is. He is physically very affectionate and caring-anything wrong and he wants to look after me. If I’ve had a tough day at work, he’ll cook dinner.He makes me feel very accepted and loved with all my faults and weaknesses as he loves the whole. I need someone who is very tactile and expressive so he suits me. My first husband was a good man but I spent the marriage longing to feel I was special to him-it was only recently I heard about ‘love languages’ and how they are different. Of course we fall out sometimes-but he never belittles or sneers at me. He’s a good egg.

I wish, how I wish that I could just be in a relationship where I feel valued, desired, important and loved just as I am, complete with faults and imperfections, quirks and shortcomings, and not be made to feel low down the priority list, despite the fact that I know I am irritating, boring and 'bland'

Says who? The mean, unkind partner with whom you have nothing in common? He might think that but let’s be realistic here, does his opinion really carry any weight? If he doesn’t like any of the things you like, and you don’t like any of the things he likes, then what does his opinion matter? Is anyone likely to name him as a person they’d like to sit on a bench with for half an hour? Has it ever occurred to you that you are the well rounded, interesting one and he’s just a boring oaf? And that to someone who enjoys the same things you do, you’d be fascinating and brilliant company?

OP, it feels really bloody wonderful. Total acceptance. I look in the mirror and see an overweight, peri menopausal old bag who needs to get her roots done. He makes me feel like he sees me the way I was in my twenties when I didn’t appreciate how lucky I was. He listens to me. He tells me he’s really looking forward to seeing me after work. He makes me feel like he wants to spend time with me because he enjoys my company. I feel beautiful. I feel heard. I feel enjoyed. It’s a first for me and I would never want to go back.

I’m a bit plump, I am autistic so a bit odd, I have sensory issues that are a nuisance. My dog is crazy and annoying. I have a kid and he has to put up with my need to change plans all the time to suit her. My partner tells me continuously how much he loves me, how gorgeous I am etc.. He makes me feel loved and cared for. I do the same for him. It’s how a good relationship should be.

Yes, i am Perimenopausal and saggy and a bit psychotic but he always says how much he fancies me and loves me. I'm very lucky.

Feeling good about myself is my job.

DH is lovely, when he’s not annoying me by breathing near my peri menopause.

But I’m not outsourcing feeling good about myself or in myself to any fucker. My mood, self esteem and self worth are my plants to water, nourish and tend to. Nobody else will care about any of them more than I do, so best it’s a DIY job. Other people can get distracted by their own stuff. And withering could happen.

I have issues relying on another human being for anything genuinely important, that I can do by myself, for myself. I don’t like outsourcing vital services for the soul.

Gee, those of you with loving partners are SO lucky! I really wish I could find someone who would treat me like that. My most recent ex constantly eroded my self-esteem (which wasn't great to begin with). At the start of our relationship, he did pay me some compliments but then he used to constantly say how I was too thin and criticise lots of things I did (in his opinion) wrong. He said it was to help me and for my own good. Maybe. But it made me feel bad, ugly, unloved, useless, etc. My self-esteem is underground right now. I really hope that one day I will find someone who will love me and value me for what I am. That must be wonderful.

So many lovely stories thank you. I agree with @AlienatedChildGrown that everyone needs to feel good about themselves first and foremost but a loving partner seems like a great add on to that if you find one! Sorry for those in the same position as me - it’s taken me a long time to realise that it’s not ‘normal’ to be with someone who makes you feel bad about yourself.

@Brokendream I’m glad my post helped even a little and really wish you well, and the strength to make the life you deserve.
Before I met my lovely DP, I had only ever known relationships that took from me, or in some way made me feel “less than”, I knew I deserved more theoretically but had sadly had an abusive childhood and it resulted in crippling low self-esteem. I also had no family left and would accept crumbs of attention as it was better (I thought) than being completely alone in the world. But actually, it wasn’t. Life is too damn short for anything less in a relationship than being as respected as you deserve.

Yes I feel valued, loved and beautiful, and I make him feel the same, that's how it should be.

I recognise I am lucky to have found him, but also there is some agency in this because I would not stay with someone who didn't make me feel good (disclaimer: unless I was in some awful situation where I was trapped - I understand many are stuck).

If you partner doesn't make you feel good about yourself then why are you with them if you have a choice?

Don't get me wrong though, we've wanted to murder each other all day today - I've 'suggested' he ring his mum and talk to her this afternoon (for two hours about literally fuck all (they like to talk)) because he's doing my head in today. He's currently 1.5 hours into his phone call 😂