Feeling resentful but don't want to

[dontwanttobethatguy]

My wife and I are trying to rebuild after a financial crisis that she has caused and exacerbated (adhd related comfort spending at insane levels and general financial recklessness taking us to the brink money wise). I am embarrassed that I enabled it to get so far over so many years through a joint account for income and outgoings, and not wanting to be that guy who limits his wife's access to money. She regrets what happened and is looking for a job to help with finances. But ADHD behaviours that she is completely unconscious about keeping setting us back (time management, organisation, overspending when nipping to the shops, the usual stuff). I am really worn out by it all. I flip between being optimistic for the future and resentful of the present (I spend literally nothing on myself). Don't know if I'm looking for advice. But needed somewhere just to say out loud what is happening and to see if others have been here and got through it together. Please don't advise divorce. I'm well aware that is an option, and justified, but I'm looking for constructive comments about better relationships. We've been together 20 years, have three kids, and all assets and liabilities have come 50/50 in our marriage. There has been no cheating. It doesn't matter that I work and she doesn't. She has been a SAHM for last 6 years and that is work! I earn enough that we can rebuild over time, so the crisis doesn't have to end in disaster. But how do I process my feelings healthily! Thank you for reading!

I think perhaps speaking to a therapist or similar to help you process these feelings in a safe constructive space would be a good idea?

Have you discussed about getting help with adhd at all

I have Adhd and if it wasn’t for DH my finances would be a mess (and I do make good £££)

I think you're standing in your own way. You make clear statements about what she's doing that is a problem, and all of them are followed with excuses for her. You're part of this dynamic.

I spent years overseas and the first thing I noticed on returning to the UK was a shocking prevalence of "mental health" issues. I have never seen anything like it. There are more people who are "ill" than not in every aspect of my life (at work, at hobbies, etc).

I have used quotes because while, of course, there are people with genuine problems, the majority of those who trot out the mental health excuse are not dealing with anything unusual. Many seem to be looking for attention they don't get at home or (a related issue) are looking to explain why they somehow missed out on learning basic life skills. The point is, ADHD does NOT inevitably man that someone will behave without boundaries.

You've commented that you don't want to be one of those men who limits her money, but that is beyond ridiculous. You are in serious financial trouble because (not just once or twice but repeatedly, over years) she has overspent and has made no effort to change and you have made no effort to put the brakes on. I do not believe for a second that ADHD is responsible for this. It's a challenge, but it doesn't force families into destitution. You are both in an unhealthy dynamic.

Do not accept the all-too-common British excuse that she's "ill" and has no self-control. Marriage apparently began long before Jesus was even a twinkle in his father's eye as a business contract between families and you can see the financial chaos her behaviour has caused for you and any kids you have. You all need to play a part in changing this dynamic. For God's sake see a counselor and get one who specializes in financial issues. It's money you SHOULD spend--and I generally don't recommend counselling because it's expensive and hard-to-get.

She shouldn't be "looking" for a job, she should have one where she is working every waking hour to fix the mess she created. It DOES matter that you've been making money while she has been at home spending it. Being a SAHM mother is work but it is certainly not like having to hold down a job and do childcare and house-work. You should work out a clear financial agreement with the therapist where her access to money is very limited and only comes from what she earns (although she should be contributing mostly to paying off debt). As for you, STOP torpedoing your own and your kids' future stability and opportunities by putting up with this. You are partly to blame for this situation.

Thank you. I will consider this. We just had a hug in the utility room. I had a panic attack this morning I think when checking the bank balance. Like I say flipping from one end to the other emotionally!

The obvious things are counselling, medical help for her to better manage her ADHD, debt advice if you haven't, setting a budget and then deciding an amount for her in a separate account or cash in an envelop for her own frivolous spend so she doesn't impulsively spend money for bills.
She currently can't manage some areas well so you will have to step up or set ways she can't overspend.

I have been trying to support with this area for about a year. There was a period of denial/refusal to see the problem, but we are in the same place now. I agree this has to be a part of it.

Tones a bit harsh, but comment is fair. I have enabled, and that will change (separating finance to some degree) but there is a balance to strike between new arrangements and realism over finances that are joint. I'm not out to punish her, just implement some side rails to prevent further self-sabotage.

I have been thinking similar things, so thanks for reassurance that it's proportionate response to what happened.

@dontwanttobethatguy, it is harsh because you're in a very serious situation. Your priorities should be opportunities for the kids, securing stable housing, and planning for retirement, but you've allowed her to torpedo all that. It seems like you're afraid to confront her but it's your job as the other parent. That rather emotionless comment in one of your updates about how she was in denial at first about these problems was really frustrating to read. If she is refusing to understand what she has done, then you need to make it crystal clear.

This is why you need a professional involved. I don't think you're ready yourself to deal with this. Even in your response to me, you make sure to specify that you're not out to punish her. You need clear guidance and you need reinforcement from a professional who is used to dealing with people who are manipulative and used to being looked after.

This is NOT about her and her feelings. It's about the future of the family and your kids' welfare. Stop refusing to see this for what it is. I have to be out for the rest of the afternoon and won't be able to respond until later, but sincerely hope you will think on this and that other people will help you to see sense.

Have a look at YNAB, and see if you think a money management app like that would help. There’s a very active subreddit and lots of people with ADHD report that it changed their finances because it’s quite ‘gamified’. There’s also a lot of support for using it with a spouse who’s not necessarily 100% great with finances!

If the ongoing management of the finances is causing the resentment, try to start where the problem is.

Housing and pension are stable as is my income. Kids are secure in good school and nursery placements. Debts can be repaid over time, but we have reached the tipping point where debt would be an issue if it continues. That is why change is happening, and as I said at start, I wanted to use this as a forum to hear ideas to rebuild the relationship and deal with feelings. Your comments are appreciated though. I have a good understanding of what we need to do financially with heads out of sand.

I agree with @PennyFarting1 you need a sensible plan to be able to keep things from spiralling again. Definitely counselling for her and possibly for both of you. Also some help with a financial plan and a separate account for her that is within your budget. Is she totally onboard with this now? With the best will in the world you might find she still tries to find ways to overspend. Also has she got a diagnosis for ADHD because if not this could just be an excuse to spend recklessly.

You don't seem to need practical advice. Your wife clearly isn't well or happy and she needs individual counselling. What she has done is crippling and you both need relationship counselling to talk through the feelings around it.

Yes. I think you are right. As a man, my male friends aren't the best for these kinds of chats and validation. That's why I came on here. It may all seem obvious, but as I know from professional life, an advisor advising themself has a fool for a client, as you are blinded by own feelings. There's the practical bit here to avoid relapses and the emotional bit that needs therapy. Thank you all. Probably a short thread but it has been very useful for me and made me feel a lot better.

Give your wife her own card and transfer only what is realistic money wise

You do realise you have enabled her habits and spending by being inactive under the guise of not wanting to inhibit her actions?

Maybe this is because you felt guilty that you couldn’t fund all of her desires financially?

Im afraid you sound far too reasonable and you need to
understand that what your wife needs is less of your reasonable approach and more of an assertive approach.

If nothing changes then believe me nothing will change

and don’t forget resentment is like drinking your own poison

Take a stand and take control of the finances - this doesn’t have to be for life but this needs to happen because if it doesn’t then this woman is going to cause financial chaos in her family.

Also pay attention to the fact she is role modelling to your children

I doubt that maintaining righteous indignation is going to help us long term, or me to deal with the situation, practically or emotionally. We've had some very frank discussions about where things will head without change, but I'm not going to hold a threat of divorce over her as that isn't healthy. I'm clear that change is needed at a practical level and am setting up a new bank account. There will be goals around her finding her own income, but I'll do that supportively if I can rather than coercively. The ADHD features of this have to be treated as well. You may think it's too reasonable, but I spend a lot of time working with people who have made bad situations worse for themselves by being by being unreasonable and unrealistic. Baby steps to deal with the debt and to support the wife into a better place with MH and her own job.

You sound like an empathetic guy - I think you just need to keep the lines of communication open, particularly around finances, without trying to judge or control. That could be hard, so counselling sounds useful. Good luck.

You want to stick with her. You know she has ADHD. So you need practical solutions. Dissolve the joint account. Make sure your salary goes into an account in your name only so you can manage the key expenses. Consolidate the debt into a single loan. She needs to find a job and repay all but 5%-10% of her net income into the debt repayment loan. She keeps 5% -10% to spend on whatever she wants. That should include presents for you and treats for DC, not just stuff for herself. Once the debt is cleared, she can set up her own account with a very tiny overdraft facility and only a debit card, no credit card, so she can't ever get further than £200 in debt again.

My DD (age 10) has ADHD and I can well imagine her being like this as an adult so I'm working hard to avoid that. DH is not diagnosed but has always been ostrich like over finances (although not an idiot).

Look at Monzo - the "pots" for different types of spending might be useful.

Get the kids a Go Henry each. ADHD is highly heritable...

That's how it came to light. Middle child has ASD/ADHD. Suffered a school placement breakdown last year leading to his diagnosis. Wife doesn't have a formal diagnosis yet, but all the signs are there. There is a lot of context that I didn't put in the original post. And other problems that we are working through. The comfort spending was on nonsense for the kids. None of it was on selfish things for herself. Chasing happiness after difficult times.

Does your DW get depressed at times too OP? Her behaviour sounds more like she is having manic episodes. (You mention she is not even conscious of what she is doing at times).
Maybe she should have a private consultation with a psychiatrist .

I've had to deal with someone's ADHD issues for a while so I have some understanding of what you are going through

Where it really resonates with me is your description of the money issues and just basic life organisation - these areas are what particularly affects close family

I can't offer a panacea but can say that financing the overspends does not help address the issue and restricting her access to the family finance is probably a step in the right direction

The life organisation stuff means you have to stay on top of everything - she probably cant be trusted to organise or do anything. The tricky bit of this is any attempt to intervene is seen as controlling or even an "attack". The issue can't be avoided but needs to be addressed in as subtle a way as possible.

If you have the funds available getting a thorough diagnosis is critical and paying for it privately is better than waiting for the NHS to help. If medication is prescribed then ensuring the treatment is followed is one of the life org tasks

Really feel for you on this - hope it works out for both of you

She has been having counselling, and depression has been a thing. But with the spending it is more that she cannot hold in mind that the money comes from an account and that resources are finite. Or keep track of what she has spent. The wobble that set me posting was a good example, she overspent in the supermarket last night after saying she was going out to get a few drinks for us. Not on purpose, but buying too much and more of things we already had or don't really need. In her mind she's doing a good thing because she's helping with the shopping, whereas in reality she's not budgeting or thinking about the other things that we have to pay for (car repairs and car tax coming up). It is not a case of us having nothing in, it is a case of buying more if you get me. She struggles with procrastination and completing things. She insisted on doing the DLA form for middle child, it took months and took so much more effort as a result. In the past accepting help has been the big blocker, but that is k e if the things that has to change now.

Namechanged. I can relate to this OP - my situation is a bit different but I also struggle with resent because of my DH’s poor choices on the financial front.

In short, both my parents sadly died young, meaning I was given a fairly significant inheritance that helped our position massively. HOWEVER, while I hoped to build upon what we had already been given for our kids, DH has made some bad choices - periods non employment, credit card debt etc. It’s not a total disaster, but it means that we are far less affluent than we should be, given the handout, and our later years may well be a struggle - we will probably have to sell our lovely forever home and downsize to fund our retirement, which I find heartbreaking.

Things I have found helpful are focusing on what we currently have- eg at least we have a roof over our heads and can pay the bills for now!) and planning for the future in realistic terms. Talking to a financial advisor - rather than just going ‘lalalala hopefully everything will be fine!’ - has made me feel more in control. It’s okay in the grand scheme of things, but I can’t help but resent DH for it. I would also love to hear advice from others!

‘Struggle with resentment’ that should read 😂