Feeling resentful but don't want to

[dontwanttobethatguy]

My wife and I are trying to rebuild after a financial crisis that she has caused and exacerbated (adhd related comfort spending at insane levels and general financial recklessness taking us to the brink money wise). I am embarrassed that I enabled it to get so far over so many years through a joint account for income and outgoings, and not wanting to be that guy who limits his wife's access to money. She regrets what happened and is looking for a job to help with finances. But ADHD behaviours that she is completely unconscious about keeping setting us back (time management, organisation, overspending when nipping to the shops, the usual stuff). I am really worn out by it all. I flip between being optimistic for the future and resentful of the present (I spend literally nothing on myself). Don't know if I'm looking for advice. But needed somewhere just to say out loud what is happening and to see if others have been here and got through it together. Please don't advise divorce. I'm well aware that is an option, and justified, but I'm looking for constructive comments about better relationships. We've been together 20 years, have three kids, and all assets and liabilities have come 50/50 in our marriage. There has been no cheating. It doesn't matter that I work and she doesn't. She has been a SAHM for last 6 years and that is work! I earn enough that we can rebuild over time, so the crisis doesn't have to end in disaster. But how do I process my feelings healthily! Thank you for reading!

Yes the resentment is about squandered opportunities. I dread to think how much has gone up in smoke over the years. And we could be way more comfortable than we are had things been done differently (certainly over the last five years).

@dontwanttobethatguy - yeah it’s very much the same for us. For me it’s mostly about the future - what our lives will look like in retirement and how little we will be able to help our own kids financially once they reach adulthood. If DH had been more responsible and not used our already privileged position as ‘fallback’, things would be very different ☹️

The wobble that set me posting was a good example, she overspent in the supermarket last night after saying she was going out to get a few drinks for us. Not on purpose, but buying too much and more of things we already had or don't really need. In her mind she's doing a good thing because she's helping with the shopping, whereas in reality she's not budgeting or thinking about the other things that we have to pay for (car repairs and car tax coming up)

I really do think you might find YNAB super helpful for things like this. She can have the app on her phone and check what money is left in the grocery category, or the clothes category. It does great job of making things immediately & instantly visible.

OP, I've had a similar scenario erupt recently. DP is on the ADHD assessment pathway and he is the one who has piled up the debt. What has helped me to deal with feelings of resentment is accepting that what's done is done. I can't change that, he can't change that. Dwelling over the lost money that could have been used for other things ultimately only causes you misery. Secondly, seeing him acknowledge and accept that his actions have caused our family unnecessary problems, and him making a huge effort to take responsibility and sort it out. Is your DW actively trying to understand and alter her behaviour? Is she willing to give the financial reins to you while she learns how to budget and curb her spending? You need to take control of the finances and check your household spending religiously. In my case DP hid the debt out of shame, which is another issue altogether, so while I was keeping on top of the finances and monitoring our outgoings, I was totally blindsided when it all came out, despite my good habits.

DP found a therapist without being prompted, he's using a budgeting app, shows me his bank balance if I ask etc. If he gets an ADHD diagnosis he'll be looking into medication etc. Obviously in our case there is an added layer of broken trust that you and your DW are not having to deal with, but a lot of the same strategies we are implementing may be useful.

Lastly, be patient with yourself. Most of the time I'm pragmatic about our situation, but I still occasionally have flashes of resentment and anger, which is to be expected. I ackowledge the feeling but don't allow myself to dwell on it and it passes quickly. If DP wasn't doing his utmost to make sure this never happens again I'd have ended the relationship.

@dontwanttobethatguy, I'm shaking my head. You are entrenched in denial and are part of this dynamic.

Unless you're a CEO of a major company, everyone in your family (especially the kids and their future) is being hurt by this situation. What I fear is that, like so many parents who can't provide stability and a happy home environment, you're not understanding that you will have to explain yourself to your kids at some point. Right now, it'll be easy to make excuses for your wife and to let her behaviour continue by allowing her to escape accountability. At some point, your kids are going to ask why they can't have the opportunities their friends have.

I hope for their sake that you get a therapist who talks sense into you. See one alone as well as one with your wife.

OP rebuilding trust and dealing with emotions takes time. It's not something that's going to happen overnight just because you decided to take steps to repair the situation.
If she consistently shows you that she changed, takes responsibility for her mistakes and allows you to express your feelings then with time it will get better.
At the moment you don't have any good track record so of course you will be anxious, resentful and worried.

I'm not sure what information you base these judgments on. I have a problem in my relationship, my wife has some mental health issues, and I'm going to support her through that. I'm not sure why you think we can't provide a stable home for our children. In fact we can and do, and the financial issue is about liquidity, not housing, pensions, schools or anything else. You seem big on punishment and blame, and perhaps you should see a therapist about that. I give you permission to disinvest from my request for advice if that helps!

@dontwanttobethatguy I am guessing you’re treating you wife very different to DC if they had similar issues, and inevitably it will impact them one way or another

It’s so obvious you want to support your wife, it is truly nice to see ; if you don’t take control of the situation though you’re enabling her my friend

really think about putting certain restrictions in place, you got some good advice here, I guarantee it ll make you feel better and it’s likely she’s screaming for this sort of help cause she can’t establish it herself; you’re feeling low now only because you’re not acting on hence you’re scared it ll happen again

What does she think about budgeting/having an account that runs out when she's spent an allotted amount? Surely that's the only viable option?

Unless she's justifying her overspending?

I agree. This will be the direction of travel.

I think I want to open a new account for my salary and the fixed outgoings and reduce what the joint account is for. And then put some money in it, like you say, for groceries etc. And then encourage use of a budgeting tool.

If she cannot control her spending she needs therapy and probably some meds - its simple as that

She needs to learn ways of coping with her symptoms - neither enabling nor controlling her will help long term. Also, getting a job may actually be a good idea for her, not just for financial reasons but to force some sort of restricted routine in her life (which is a big problem for people with this disorder).

@dontwanttobethatguy

Sorry, I was asking what she thinks of it, not what you would like to do about it.

How does she feel about sticking to a pre-arranged budget that the two of you have decided on?

I’ve read all of your posts and updates and I have to say you sound very kind and pragmatic about the whole thing, which I think is definitely the right way to approach this until a diagnosis/plan is put in place.

As PP have said, I think you really need to open up a separate account for her (no overdraft) and transfer an amount each week for her to do the grocery spend etc with, max £125 say (depending on your budget). Once the money is gone it’s gone until the start of the next week, and if she’s spent it all on nonsense, do not top it up, once she’s mastered living within that budget then I’d gradually open up the joint account to her again.

I think it’s really important though that if you and she agree on a budget and she spends it all that you do not top it up.

I think she gets it. She has reigned in the comfort spending over the last week, and I think she will stick to that. The budgeting bit is harder and will require more conversations, but she is looking for part time work as I write, so that's progress.

I'm going to stop writing now. Thank you for support and advice!

What does she say about the budgeting? Where do you disagree? What is it you need to discuss further? What is it that she thinks that you disagree with, and vice versa, that you need to further discuss?

I've been looking for part time work since 1992, but I haven't found any yet. Will you support me, as long as we keep discussing it?

UPDATE: she has a job interview next week for something left field with the NHS. We had a set back with direct debits for subscriptions that I'd asked her to cancel, but got past that and she sorted it. She is been more careful about spending and did a few other things I asked her to do around pensions and so on, to check positions. So it looks like we are making progress. I think if we clawback some of the overdraft debt this month she will see it's worth it.There will be wobbles I am sure, but communication is better and it has improved other areas of the marriage as well. Just thought I'd say this for those of you that gave constructive advice!

Really glad to hear it. You've done well.