Partner of 10 years having doubts

[Claire2023]

Hello; really just after some advice.

Back in May, my partner told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore. We split for about a week but decided to work on things. The reason for not wanting to be with my was my lack of affection towards him. I am not the most affectionate person but have worked so hard on it since then.

I make gestures like running a bath, making dinner and cuddling/kissing.

End of May - my partners mum found out she had throat cancer so my partner moved back home (2 hours away) to work and be there for his mum. He thinks I hold it against him for moving back. I admitted it was hard at first as we have a 5 year old daughter at home and we’ve not been apart in almost 10 years but I know he was doing it for the best and supported him.

we went away to Italy in the summer and I thought things were fine.

I’ve been living in fear since may as I just had a feeling something would happen again.

anyway, 3 weeks ago my partners mum died and 2 weeks ago his grandad died.

we’ve been off together for 2 weeks and we’ve had cuddles etc and I’ve tried to be there for him. The last few days he’s been distant. I said I know you’re going through a lot but just want reassurance we’re ok.
last night- he said he doesn’t know if he can give me reassurance, there’s been no spark since may, something is missing and he doesn’t know what to do.
my world has crashed again and my heart is breaking. I am due our second baby in 8 weeks, we have a house, another daughter. I don’t want to throw it all away. I asked him if we could take some time to see what happens as a lot has happened since we split in may with his mum getting cancer and dying etc. he said we’ve been trying since may but can’t understand he’s been through a lot since then.
anyway, I just don’t know what to do. I asked him if he wanted space or for me to continue to keep being affectionate and he says he doesn’t know.
please someone help. I feel like I should be trying to enjoy maternity and a new baby coming but I just feel ill. I haven’t stopped crying; I’ve had sickness and dioreah and my anxiety is through the roof.

I can’t help but think ahead to the future if he doesn’t want me. I can’t do this with 2 kids alone. I have no where elwe to to.

sorry for the long post; just looking for some advice. thank you x

I think you should ask him to move out. The uncertainty is not good for you.
It sounds like it’s over for him.

With kindness, you need to believe him and read his actions rather than believe in false hope. I say this as someone who has been to hell and back during my marriage. However the difference is DH has never behaved like your partner. Your partner although has been through a lot with his mum, needs to decide where he is headed and be quick about it. He owes it to your child above all else to not mess around and confuse them. Keep him out and don't let him mess you about any longer. I honestly think you need to look to the future and expect to find yourself single- don't allow him to put you through months or years of unnecessary turmoil only to have him leave anyway, which is what I think he will do if you don't cut him off first.

@Claire2023
This sounds like such difficult time.

6 months of dealing with cancer and death of a parent - plus a grandparent - its a lot to go through. Even a happiest person will be depressed. And you guys already had issues. I cant imagine how he must be feeling right now.

If you love him and want this relationship to survive you NEED to give him support and let him grieve. You need to stop making it about your needs for reassurances. Its not the time, it can’t be.
He can’t think of anything but the dark place he is in.

It’s hard, but you need to focus on running the house and preparing for the baby. These are the testing times in a relationship where one is struggling and the other needs to step up and be a supportive partner and carry the load. Plus - you have your baby to think about. In normal time - yes, you’d be ‘enjoying maternity’ - but its not the cards you’ve been dealt atm. You need to get yourself together and get through this. Don’t make it about you and your anxiety. Get help from GP if you need to.

If you get through this together - i do think your relationship will get stronger.

My sympathies, I’ve stated a thread because I’m a kind of similar situation - my DH had major doubts and we decided to split, now he wants to try again but I’m not sure if I can trust him. I think your DP needs to be clear and give you an answer either way. If he can’t then you will need to make a decision.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially when pregnant. Keep posting, you can get some great advice and support here.

This is a tricky one. He’s experiencing a intense stage of grief and is no doubt extremely stressed and possibly depressed, by the sounds of it. Death can make people question their life choices at the best of times, let alone when you’ve been struggling through a rough patch.
Be there for him when he needs you, but give him some space. Let him process what has happened the past five months.

Thank you for your responses. You’re right, I shouldn’t make it about my reassurances but I can’t help feeling so insecure.
my world is broken now, guess all I can do is be there and give it time x

Situations like this test character and strength of relationship.
Death os a parent trumps your insecurities. By orders of magnitude.
You can feel what you feel. But your main feeling now needs to be empathy for his suffering and support.
If you can’t feel empathy - and your feelings are more important to you - then i am sorry but the relationship has no future

Your comment was a bit harsh. And of course I feel empathy. I’ve done everything I possibly can to support and be there for him over the last few weeks. His feelings obviously mean more than mine at the minute but it was sprung on me last night how he feels about the relationship so I am in every right to feel hurt and sad. I know I have to be patient and give him time but it’s also hard when I have to be strong for my daughter and keep myself healthy for my unborn baby.

My mum died when l was 28 weeks pregnant. I needed my husband more than ever. Surely he would turn to you rather than away from you?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow he did for a couple of weeks. We were affectionate and seemed to enjoy my company. He’s got a lot going on with the financial affairs etc too and I’m wondering if it’s just all got a bit much for him. I’m not sure why he’s brought up our relationship though. Maybe he’s questioning everything.
he’s gone away for the weekend with friends. He took our daughter to ballet this morning, text me to say he was going away with friends and when he got back he left. I asked why he would leave when things are this way and he just said he needed space. All i can do is respect that. Doesn’t stop me from being hurt and upset. I’ve cried all day. I keep replaying conversations in my head. When I asked what he wanted to do moving forward he just kept saying he didn’t know.
praying space and time will level his head a bit.

Genuine question but why on earth - if you had such serious issues running up to May did you decide to get pregnant with anther child? Is this a sticking plaster baby hoping that it would fix your relationship?

He's been through a lot in recent weeks as well as a new baby on the way that 2 of his close family will never be able to meet now they have passed away and you then hounding him about the status of your relationship is a bit much personally - like you are trying to make this about you

I'd give him some space

Gee whizz there are certainly some people here making excuses for this weak prick of a man!!

@Claire2023 you were 2 months pregnant when he decided he didn't want to be with you any more? What did he do about seeing your child during all this time? Did he continue to pay support? He sounds like a prick while you are pussyfooting around trying to please him. Illness or death - they are no excuses. Living in limbo is the worst thing and this is currently where you are. I think I would be telling him that you want to make formal arrangements for going forward as to him paying support, access etc. I know you will be hoping to work this out but this is not a decent man.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Any time would be shit but during a pregnancy is just awful.

Practically, I think you need some support. Have you got any family around you who will support you without making it into a drama? Or a close friend who can take your DD off for the day while you try and get some rest? Try and eat something plain; crackers or hoola hoops. Maybe drink some lucozade. Anything just to keep your energy levels up.

Emotionally, I think you’re going to be going through the wringer for a while yet. Again, you need support; someone on your side who is there to listen to you and give you a hug when you need it. I would give him complete space for a while, but when he comes back , ask him not to make any huge decisions about your relationship while he’s got so much other stuff going on and without seeing a marriage counsellor. Be prepared for the fact that he might be looking at alternative accommodation while he’s away. I hope for your sake that he’s not, but it’s better for you not to be completely blindsided. Hope for the best, prepare yourself for the worst.

How was he able to just drop everything and move 2 hours away to care for his sick mother anyway? Did he not have a job or a business?

Whilst I'm sympathetic as I've also experienced the death of a parent, and caring for sick relatives, I can't understand his decision to stop caring for his immediate family which includes dependent children. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I couldn't be with someone like this who thinks his children are "optional".

@thelonemommabear i was already pregnant by May and again, our relationship was great up until this point. There weren’t any clues it came out of nowhere. No need to be so unkind with your words

@Fallenangelofthenorth yes he has a job and they were able to locate him nearer to his mum for work so that he could be there to help her. He did come home at weekends.

Your feelings of being upset and hurt are normal, but take a step back.

The relationship has been struggling before and it often takes more then few cups of tea and one good holiday to rebuild closeness and intimacy if one side feels unloved. Most importantly - it takes time, sometimes a lot of it.

If he was already having some issues that, long term, could do a number on someone's mental health.

Then there is loosing two important people, which is an absolute bomb that can destroy a person. In this state people do get selfish, and feeling the need to run away from everything and everyone is not unusual - even if the person knows its wrong.

He is probably telling you the truth that he doesn't know what to do - because what do you do when you feel your life is falling apart and you don't have strength to fix it or know how to?

I have to ask;could he be having an affair?

The going away with friends rings alarm bells. Are you sure it's not with another woman? Sorry I don't want to upset you, I would be suspicious.

He's been through a tough time but you are heavily pregnant, he is treating you awfully.

OP - i am not being harsh. I am just trying to impress on you that now is not the time to ask him examine your relationship and reassure you.
Don’t him to be able to do this. Or to think about your feelings.
He can’t. Depression and grief are dark places. People feel numb. Feel nothing at best. Intense pain at worst. To the point of not feeling anything matters.
So - if you ask - this is the answer you would get.

But depression won’t be his permanent state of mind. He’ll live through grief eventually and get back to being himself.

Also - wanted to say. Back when his mom got ill and he went to be with her. I do think this was the root of your issues. You said your struggled with a 5yo, and you’ve never been apart from him for 10 years.

You make it sound like an excuse for being justified for resenting him.
Personally - if a partner behaved this way if my parent needed me - i’d also be questioning our relationship.

5yo’s aren’t difficult to take care of. Not when there is a family emergency.

That - alone with being tone deaf and asking for reassurances as he in the middle of grief - doesn't paint you as the most supportive partners

I would also add that there are effectively two courses of action

you can sit this one out and be supportive, giving him benefit of a doubt and putting your own feelings to the side until he gets better. It is a bad timing, given that you're pregnant, but objectively speaking - he is in a way worse situation than you are. He is grieving and probably aware he's failing to meet expectations. So for the time being it is not unreasonable for you to take on the supportive role.

Alternatively, you can ask him to "get himself together" and be supportive of you during your pregnancy.

However, even if he does, this will come back to haunt you and probably kill whats left of this relationship. Sure, it is always a possibility that something else is going on and he has an affair or something else going on that you don't know about. But if you chose to believe it and you're wrong then he will simply resent you and never trust you again. There will be no coming back from it.

So it's your gamble to take.

@PaintedEgg

If my partner/H/bf told me to ‘get myself together’ after my mother went through several months battle with cancer and just died… to support them through last months of pregnancy… the relationship would be over on the spot.
I simply couldn’t be with someone that selfish. Who clearly doesn't care about anyone but themselves.
(Obv assuming normal pregnancy, etc.)

And i say that having been pregnant.
We aren’t disabled when pregnant, even in last stages.
It is possible to let him deal with his very understandable depression and grief - while being pregnant.

@jsku I agree, but some replies suggested that he may be having an affair or is a jerk for taking some time away to clear his head...so assuming OP goes this route of expecting him to pull himself together because she's trying to "enjoy her maternity" I think she needs to be realistic - he will leave her. I don't think anyone could forgive something like this

There some very cruel messages on here ! The OP is heavily pregnant and broken hearted so no need for the harshness calling her selfish. She’s at rock bottom so some kind practical advice might be nice. OP I would give him space but let him know you are here for him and seek the support of your family and friends x

This ^

I am.glad I am not the only one thinking this. Grief doesnt excuse bad behaviour. Forgot what HE wants, what about you op? Are you willing to put up with holding out for someone who clearly doesn't know what he wants, and making everything about him. I get that he is grieving, but he is treating you like crap. Your feelings matter too.