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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner of 10 years having doubts

33 replies

Claire2023 · 30/09/2023 10:07

Hello; really just after some advice.

Back in May, my partner told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore. We split for about a week but decided to work on things. The reason for not wanting to be with my was my lack of affection towards him. I am not the most affectionate person but have worked so hard on it since then.

I make gestures like running a bath, making dinner and cuddling/kissing.

End of May - my partners mum found out she had throat cancer so my partner moved back home (2 hours away) to work and be there for his mum. He thinks I hold it against him for moving back. I admitted it was hard at first as we have a 5 year old daughter at home and we’ve not been apart in almost 10 years but I know he was doing it for the best and supported him.

we went away to Italy in the summer and I thought things were fine.

I’ve been living in fear since may as I just had a feeling something would happen again.

anyway, 3 weeks ago my partners mum died and 2 weeks ago his grandad died.

we’ve been off together for 2 weeks and we’ve had cuddles etc and I’ve tried to be there for him. The last few days he’s been distant. I said I know you’re going through a lot but just want reassurance we’re ok.
last night- he said he doesn’t know if he can give me reassurance, there’s been no spark since may, something is missing and he doesn’t know what to do.
my world has crashed again and my heart is breaking. I am due our second baby in 8 weeks, we have a house, another daughter. I don’t want to throw it all away. I asked him if we could take some time to see what happens as a lot has happened since we split in may with his mum getting cancer and dying etc. he said we’ve been trying since may but can’t understand he’s been through a lot since then.
anyway, I just don’t know what to do. I asked him if he wanted space or for me to continue to keep being affectionate and he says he doesn’t know.
please someone help. I feel like I should be trying to enjoy maternity and a new baby coming but I just feel ill. I haven’t stopped crying; I’ve had sickness and dioreah and my anxiety is through the roof.

I can’t help but think ahead to the future if he doesn’t want me. I can’t do this with 2 kids alone. I have no where elwe to to.

sorry for the long post; just looking for some advice. thank you x

OP posts:
Lili132 · 01/10/2023 05:22

I'm sorry but grief doesn't excuse his behaviour. Losing a parent to cancer is devastating but in normal marriages people go through it and support each other. They don't suddenly tell their pregnant partner they don't know what the future holds. Knowing that you have a future together and being committed is a basic requirement for a relationship.
It's one thing to withdraw a bit due to grief but he's literally telling you he doesn't know if he wants to be with you! While you're heavily pregnant with his second child.

Personally unless someone had some psychotic episode that made them not themselves I don't think I could get over something like that and you have to be really careful you don't lose sight of reality. Being supportive shouldn't extend to supporting someone in damaging your own mental health.

RantyAnty · 01/10/2023 06:08

I also suspect affair.

jumpinghoops · 01/10/2023 07:06

Do you know the friends he is away with for the weekend and are you certain he is with them?

PaintedEgg · 01/10/2023 09:04

Lili132 · 01/10/2023 05:22

I'm sorry but grief doesn't excuse his behaviour. Losing a parent to cancer is devastating but in normal marriages people go through it and support each other. They don't suddenly tell their pregnant partner they don't know what the future holds. Knowing that you have a future together and being committed is a basic requirement for a relationship.
It's one thing to withdraw a bit due to grief but he's literally telling you he doesn't know if he wants to be with you! While you're heavily pregnant with his second child.

Personally unless someone had some psychotic episode that made them not themselves I don't think I could get over something like that and you have to be really careful you don't lose sight of reality. Being supportive shouldn't extend to supporting someone in damaging your own mental health.

but its not just losing a parent, is it? He had to take care of his ill mother, while OP was adding pressure with telling him how hard it was to take care of a 5yo.

Even if she did not intend it this way, it probably made him feel even worse...mother with cancer, pregnant wife, getting pulled in all directions and getting reminded he somehow still failed.

Is it really that unexpected that he may not longer see future with her? He has been effectively on his own for past months, burdened with trying to maintain their relationship, taking care of his mother and then grief associated with losing both her and his grandfather in a quick succession. He told her he didn't feel loved and she made some effort - but maybe it was too little too late?

Being blunt-if I was in this position I'd feel extremely resentful and probably not see much future in a marriage like this.

Duckingella · 01/10/2023 18:01

Are people on this thread missing the fact this behaviour and a temporary separation occurred BEFORE this man's mother even became Ill.

Caring for his mother has simply given him an excuse to get away from his pregnant wife and the responsibility of being a parent.

Men don't usually just up and leave for no reason and often it's because their someone else hanging about in the wings for him.

It's so cliché;man becomes a parent;decides it's too much like hard work;he isn't the centre of his wife's world anymore so finds the attention elsewhere.

As for the "last minute weekend away with his friends";most likely he's off with the OW.

PaintedEgg · 01/10/2023 18:12

Duckingella · 01/10/2023 18:01

Are people on this thread missing the fact this behaviour and a temporary separation occurred BEFORE this man's mother even became Ill.

Caring for his mother has simply given him an excuse to get away from his pregnant wife and the responsibility of being a parent.

Men don't usually just up and leave for no reason and often it's because their someone else hanging about in the wings for him.

It's so cliché;man becomes a parent;decides it's too much like hard work;he isn't the centre of his wife's world anymore so finds the attention elsewhere.

As for the "last minute weekend away with his friends";most likely he's off with the OW.

he did say why he was not satisfied with the relationship though - and then the blows just kept coming

i absolutely believe that there are people who would use their sick mother as an excuse to cheat / leave / be a crap person, I know someone like this personally, but without a benefit of a doubt and at least some accountability OP may as well already fill for a divorce

Channellingsophistication · 01/10/2023 18:52

Horrible situation for you OP when you are expecting a baby shortly and should be enjoying this time.

My exDH was like this - unsure… I hate to say it but I suspect that there could be someone else that he’s either seeing or he is interested in. With his mothers illness and subsequent death, you would’ve thought that would make him turn to you for support and make him realise what is special to him…

Whilst it is easier said than done , it is probably better to give him some space. Show him that you can manage without him Focus on your daughter and looking after yourself for the time being. Have you any family support and some good friends that can help you?

SofiYol · 01/10/2023 19:16

Another one suspecting another woman in the background somewhere.

Do you have friends and family in real life you can lean on for support OP?

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