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Original poster

Have I blown it?

47 replies

MidlifeIslander · 30/09/2023 00:47

In a fairly new relationship. It’s been mainly good and a few weeks ago I would have said I was happy. However there is this recurring issue with his ex that is taking some time to resolve that is causing a lot drama. I have tried to rise above it and be the better person but it’s taken its toll on me. Recently I have been feeling like I should walk away for my own mental health. I’m not saying I would do it - but I feel like it sometimes. Last night I felt very overwhelmed by it all and my bf noticed and asked what was wrong. I always find it difficult to explain how I feel and I pretty much said that I’m finding the situation hard and I’ve been feeling like walking away. This came as a huge shock to my bf. We then had a very open discussion where he shared some things as well which were hard to hear - but at least we got the truth out. Even though we tried to end on a positive we both felt pretty gutted by the conversation. I drove home convinced I’d blown It and that I’d hurt him - but also
planted a seed of doubt in his mind about me that wasn’t before. I felt sure it was over tbh. He’s messaged me today and we’re planning a few days together this weekend. He also called to discuss plans and said I love you at the end. But I’m feeling it might be a bit forced - or is that my imagination?

How do I handle it tomorrow when we see each other? I’m a big believer in “when you’re in a hole, stop digging” but I was clumsy with my wording - and I wonder if I’ve sealed the end of the relationship with what I’ve said. And now I’m feeling anxious which won’t help.

OP posts:
Thekormachameleon · 30/09/2023 00:49

What's the issue with his ex ?

lucyhadness1996 · 30/09/2023 01:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
MidlifeIslander · 30/09/2023 01:02

They are having to stay in the same house while it sells. He is completely over her and she was fine to begin with but every week now there’s a drama with her and I suspect she is regretting divorcing him and is finding it hard to see him move on with me. Actually I know that’s the case. To start with he had a hard time being honest with her but I’ve communicated my feelings and he’s started to set better boundaries with her. This has however naturally triggered some insecurities in me which I am fighting so hard so I don’t across as unreasonable or insecure.

OP posts:
RogueFemale · 30/09/2023 01:05

In my experience, what blows it is feeling and showing insecurity. If a man makes you feel insecure, it's doomed.

Original poster
MidlifeIslander · 30/09/2023 01:09

Agreed @RogueFemale I’m not generally an insecure person - but I think even confident people can be made to feel insecure by toxic situations. My reactions I would say are normal but I worry that I am being seen as insecure.

OP posts:
lucyhadness1996 · 30/09/2023 01:10

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

RogueFemale · 30/09/2023 01:11

Sorry, wrote the previous comment before seeing your latest one. I would add that men mid-divorce will be all over the place, and him living with her still will inevitably trigger feelings of insecurity for you. Total nightmare. If you want to keep him, play it cool and keep your emotional distance.

Original poster
MidlifeIslander · 30/09/2023 01:12

Because I have feelings for him. And apart from the ex we get on and have a really good time together.

OP posts:
Vegandiva · 30/09/2023 01:13

Get out now, why would you even start dating a man living with his ex. Are they even divorced?

Original poster
MidlifeIslander · 30/09/2023 01:14

@RogueFemale they’re divorced now and he says he has moved on.

OP posts:
Original poster
MidlifeIslander · 30/09/2023 01:15

@RogueFemale that’s the problem. I was playing it cool until recently and it’s got under my skin. How do I rescue this and get back to playing it cool - I do want it to work out. But I can’t pretend and cover over my feelings.

OP posts:
ladypenelopesfan · 30/09/2023 01:16

Vegandiva · 30/09/2023 01:13

Get out now, why would you even start dating a man living with his ex. Are they even divorced?

This ^.

It's not a good move OP.

IMO you need to call it all off until he is actually free to date you.

Vegandiva · 30/09/2023 01:19

He quite literally hasn’t moved on because he’s still living with her and this is causing issues with you! Loads of separated and married men want to date but if you don’t want to end up the OW or rebound girl it’s up to you to maintain standards and say no thank you if any of them come sniffing around. You’re better off alone than messing with any of these clowns 🤡.

RogueFemale · 30/09/2023 01:22

MidlifeIslander · 30/09/2023 01:15

@RogueFemale that’s the problem. I was playing it cool until recently and it’s got under my skin. How do I rescue this and get back to playing it cool - I do want it to work out. But I can’t pretend and cover over my feelings.

If you can't pretend, that's understandable. But in my experience men are more freaked by divorce than women are (we coldly walk away), and he has to be in some way still enmeshed when he's still living in the same house as his 'ex'. That's why you're feeling insecure, and that is a very bad feeling.

RogueFemale · 30/09/2023 01:29

So, if you like him (a lot), it's a case of playing a very long game and keeping your emotional distance. Only you can know whether it's worth it. He must have a lot of plus points if you're still interested, in the circumstances.

RogueFemale · 30/09/2023 01:35

As for what to say tomorrow, - be honest, confident in yourself, don't care too much for the consequences of this. If he does love you, it'll be fine.

Original poster
MidlifeIslander · 30/09/2023 01:37

@RogueFemale thank you for a really considered and calm response. I don’t want to dig a bigger hole. I just want to get back to being happy, more confident me.

OP posts:
RogueFemale · 30/09/2023 02:02

MidlifeIslander · 30/09/2023 01:37

@RogueFemale thank you for a really considered and calm response. I don’t want to dig a bigger hole. I just want to get back to being happy, more confident me.

I hope it goes well tomorrow. There are men who make you feel loved and secure, and there are men who make you feel insecure. And remember that everyone is insecure, so he is, too.

GinPsyc · 30/09/2023 08:28

I don't think you've blown it cos a true relationship allows you to be vulnerable and express your feelings. I am currently dating someone that lives with their ex (unmarried) because they have a child and I have gone through the same emotions as you, I have even acted on them at times. When we met, I was seperated from my ExH but we lived together due to covid but he has since moved out. Obviously as you can imagine the plan was that other guy would move out but we wouldnt live together. However, when moving day came well his teen was devastated to say the least. We met and he asked me how else he could show me he is committed and I did and he complies by them. I have known him since I was 12 (22+ years) so maybe thats why I trust him but I have also been to his home many times and his ex is very aware of me. What I'm trying to say is if you both truly care for each other, you can carve your own relationship until the road becomes clearer or you can no longer handle the situation. I go by am I happy with how things are today and if it's yes, I continue and if not I reflect on the reasons and outcomes. All the best. x

Original poster
MidlifeIslander · 30/09/2023 08:36

@GinPsyc thank you. Not a lot of people understand the situation so it’s refreshing to see that you do and have experience of it. I think it’s more common right now because people are having trouble selling their houses - which my bf has. A couple of sales have fallen through. My trouble is I’ve allowed the drama with the ex to get under my skin and I have felt insecure and acted on it. He says it makes him feel like he has to walk on eggshells. Which is not my intention. I actually prefer if he’s just open with me and we deal with things in the moment. I’m not an insecure person generally but this situation has made me that way. I’ve resolved to draw a line under it and get back to being my usual positive self. But wonder if the insecurity has turned him off.

OP posts:
GinPsyc · 30/09/2023 08:42

MidlifeIslander · 30/09/2023 08:36

@GinPsyc thank you. Not a lot of people understand the situation so it’s refreshing to see that you do and have experience of it. I think it’s more common right now because people are having trouble selling their houses - which my bf has. A couple of sales have fallen through. My trouble is I’ve allowed the drama with the ex to get under my skin and I have felt insecure and acted on it. He says it makes him feel like he has to walk on eggshells. Which is not my intention. I actually prefer if he’s just open with me and we deal with things in the moment. I’m not an insecure person generally but this situation has made me that way. I’ve resolved to draw a line under it and get back to being my usual positive self. But wonder if the insecurity has turned him off.

I think as someone said, it is the situation that makes you insecure and same thing happened to me. I told him and he never stopped reassuring me. He has never given me a reason to doubt him. Like you I have and still am confident. I believe that if a person is going to mess around they will regardless, yes temptations come along but they don't have to act on it. Explain to him that if the situation was reversed surely he would feel insecure. Focus on you, still be there for him but if you notice the insecurity isn't subsiding then it might be a sign that you need space or simply end it. PS: with the current economic situation paying a mortgage alone is enough to make me consider my ExH moving back but we annoy eachother so it isnt healthy for our child. x

Original poster
MidlifeIslander · 30/09/2023 08:54

@GinPsyc i’m just worried I’ve come across as needy and clingy and that’s a turn off. I’m not usually that way. I’ve noticed a distance with him since we talked.

OP posts:
Original poster
MidlifeIslander · 30/09/2023 08:55

@GinPsyc did your bf ever seem out off by your insecurity?

OP posts:
GinPsyc · 30/09/2023 08:58

MidlifeIslander · 30/09/2023 08:54

@GinPsyc i’m just worried I’ve come across as needy and clingy and that’s a turn off. I’m not usually that way. I’ve noticed a distance with him since we talked.

Why don't you speak to him the next time you see him. Don't go in an accusatory manner but simply I've noticed that since xxx, there has been distance between us. Do you feel the same and how can we get past this?

GinPsyc · 30/09/2023 09:01

MidlifeIslander · 30/09/2023 08:55

@GinPsyc did your bf ever seem out off by your insecurity?

There were multiple times I expressed my insecurity. The 1st few times he reassured me and didn't get upset but the final one due to me not having seen him for like 2wks, he then said it's clear that he can't give me what I want etc and we ended this. Wks later we met (was a pre arranged event that we had both agreed to) and we spoke and made plans/list of how we could work through this like seeing eachother at least 2x per week, stays over 1x a month (when I am child free), we do weekends away in UK and 1 holiday abroad etc).