Have I blown it?

[MidlifeIslander]

In a fairly new relationship. It’s been mainly good and a few weeks ago I would have said I was happy. However there is this recurring issue with his ex that is taking some time to resolve that is causing a lot drama. I have tried to rise above it and be the better person but it’s taken its toll on me. Recently I have been feeling like I should walk away for my own mental health. I’m not saying I would do it - but I feel like it sometimes. Last night I felt very overwhelmed by it all and my bf noticed and asked what was wrong. I always find it difficult to explain how I feel and I pretty much said that I’m finding the situation hard and I’ve been feeling like walking away. This came as a huge shock to my bf. We then had a very open discussion where he shared some things as well which were hard to hear - but at least we got the truth out. Even though we tried to end on a positive we both felt pretty gutted by the conversation. I drove home convinced I’d blown It and that I’d hurt him - but also
planted a seed of doubt in his mind about me that wasn’t before. I felt sure it was over tbh. He’s messaged me today and we’re planning a few days together this weekend. He also called to discuss plans and said I love you at the end. But I’m feeling it might be a bit forced - or is that my imagination?

How do I handle it tomorrow when we see each other? I’m a big believer in “when you’re in a hole, stop digging” but I was clumsy with my wording - and I wonder if I’ve sealed the end of the relationship with what I’ve said. And now I’m feeling anxious which won’t help.

I started seeing someone who lived with his ex (they were selling) and it became apparent very quickly he hasn’t ready to date. It was a shame because I felt like there was potential.
I agree with pp that if a relationship is right, you can express your concerns. I would be surprised if anyone could be cool with someone living with an ex that has regular ‘dramas’ with them. Houses aren’t selling quickly at the moment so I’d say you need to have a good think about how long this may go on for and what you are willing to accept and what you aren’t! I don’t think you’re being clingy. You need to feel free to express yourself.

Since its his situation that is creating insecurity in you, I’d expect him to cut you a bit of slack.

But I wonder if its not the insecurity per se - I mean, does he appreciate where its coming from, but is finding it difficult to deal with the heightened emotion right now? There could be enough of that going on at home and he is just not able to take on any more.

Maybe you can frame it in your mind in a way that moves it away from something that is intrinsic to yours & his relationship, rather than - what you seem to be doing - thinking it is a failing on your part.

You are really not clingy or needy, get that out of your head. I doubt anybody would feel comfortable with their partner living with their ex, I mean if the shoe was on the other foot how would he feel? You are absolutely valid in feeling uncomfortable (I hate the word insecure, it conjures up the idea of weakness which in this instance I really don't think is the case), and absolutely valid in letting him know this. If he willfully doesn't understand this then that is on him, you certainly shouldn't have to hide your feelings for fear of pushing him away. You've honestly stated your position and if anything he should be the one who should fear pushing you away. So stand strong, you have done nothing wrong.

Walk away. Of course you feel insecure - they’re still living in the same house. FWIW I don’t believe that they have separate rooms. He tells you only what he wants you to know. Protect yourself.

😂 They do and I have been there and stayed there. She also has a bf.

@Donutsforbreakfast thank you. That’s such a lovely reassuring answer. When I told him I felt like walking away he said that concerned him because why would he want to invest time and energy into a relationship if someone could walk away. He revealed he is anxious about being rejected.. so he has insecurities too. That in turn worried me !! because I then thought - oh god - he’s going to pull away and I’ve lost him. We’re clearly both anxious about being hurt. So I’ve since reassured him that I’m not going to walk away or reject him - that it was just me finding it hard to deal with the situation and very clumsily articulating that. I am worried that this has just made him have second d thoughts about me.

Well I don't think you're going to listen. You're only looking for reassurances.

But any relationship that makes you feel insecure is not the one for you.

But here you are giving him all the power. You're reassuring him. Saying you're not going to walk away

If he had any feelings for you he would your feelings and happiness first. He knows he's put you in a tenuous position.

Like I said. You're only looking for reassurances so I doubt this will even register.

@sodthesodoff yeah, reading my answer back I realise how that came across. At I meant was - I need reassurance from him and clearly, what I didn’t realise was he also needs reassurance from me. I can’t predict what will happen and there may be a time I decide this isn’t working for me. But what I was trying to say was - in the moment when things got too much I felt like walking away. But when things cooled down I realise I do have strong feelings for him. He is doing his best to resolve the situation and is looking at moving out and renting. So his intentions are in the right place. So - I was reassuring him that I’m not going to walk away (right now).

Hi I hope this is allowed. My wife died nearly 3 years ago after nearly 3 years of multiple cancers. This was an awful time as my children were 10 and 16 . There is never a right time to lose someone and my Mum passed 10 days before in her mid 80s and my Dad on Christmas eve last year. I feel really guilty that I have recently started firstly online dating and met a lovely lady. We have messaged a lot and met 2,or 3 times (under the guise if that's the word) of walking our dogs together. How do I broach the subject with the children and friends family. I shouldn't have this anxiety but I don't know what to do. It's pulling at my heart strings this year would have been our 30th wedding anniversary next month. Both the parents in laws are alive but in there 80s . Any advice would be gratefully received. Namaste

I'll be honest. Just the title of your thread made me think this isn't right

You shouldn't be thinking like that in a relationship. You should be able to say how you feel without thinking shit he's going to leave me now

And even then so what? If you tell someone how you feel and it makes them want to leave then that person isn't the right person for you anyway!

I feel like you're making a lot of sacrifices for this relationship. You're talking about playing it cool etc. what about you? What about what you want?

It's exhausting being on the back foot all the time. Exhausting having to put up a front of being okay with an extremely tricky situation. Exhausting having to support and reassure someone else.

It's okay to go - maybe this isn't for me. Maybe I deserve someone who can support me too.

Hope all that makes sense. You sound very kind and empathetic. But empaths often use all the energy on making sure everyone else is okay and forget they also need to look after themselves.

Please don’t worry about being needy. We all have needs and it sounds like you needed reassurance. That’s ok!

As for the living together part, I know a few people who are doing this after a split. It brings different complications, sure, but you’re doing a great thing being honest and open even though it’s difficult.

I hope things are ok between you and you enjoy your time together.

@Blundstone58 you need to start a new thread of your own to get more advice because this thread is about the original poster’s relationship with her boyfriend. But you sound like a caring dad and after 3 years I think it’s not unreasonable for your children to be happy for you. Good luck.

OK so you are both rather anxious as many people are in relationships. No one likes being hurt or rejected and as we get older the chances of that having happened increases so wariness increases too. For him to say what is the point in putting energy into a relationship knowing you could walk away is ridiculous/naiive though. Every single relationship carries a degree of risk, there is never a cast iron guarantee that the other party won't walk away. This could be a red flag (and I'm sure many people will tell you it definitely is, that he's controlling etc ) or it could be the words of someone who has been hurt, who is insecure and who is seeking reassurance albeit in a rather clumsy way. We all say the wrong thing/are inarticulate/insecure/self doubting at points in our lives, only you will be able to feel this one out as to whether he is the right choice for you. So move forward with confidence and try not to overthink this situation.

Op I agree with a previous poster, asking “have I blown it” isn’t a good sign about how you feel about your ability to have a successful relationship with this man. If he’s a good person and you like each other, one awkward conversation where you express your feelings a bit clumsily can’t ruin that.

If either or both of you are not ready or not compatible or not emotionally mature enough to have a good relationship then you will end up splitting, but it won’t be because of one incident where you said something “wrong”.

So just relax and really notice how you feel when you’re with him and when you think about him, and be guided by that.

He’s living with the ex and that seems to involve a lot of drama (rightly so), you’re absorbing all that drama by being in a relationship with him. It sounds quite a difficult situation for him, full of financial issues and blurred boundaries. Because of his situation your BF is not in a position to be getting involved in a serious relationship. If I were you I would break up with him and tell him you’re open to resume things once he sells the house and moves alone. Staying with this person now is going to bring too much drama into your life. You don’t need this shi-t.

it always saddens me to read about women accommodating to male shi-t shows and taking accountability for them, like expressing anger, setting boundaries of what is a messed up situation (man living with his ex) is their own fault and they should be unaffected and quietly tip toeing around it. Please Raise that bar OP and find someone with his shi-t together.

Thanks everyone for all the words of advice. You have all been so helpful about giving me the right perspective on this. This is the first relationship where I have started setting boundaries and being honest about how I feel and of course that makes me feel nervous but also strong - I've learned/learning from my mistakes. I am going to remember who I am - and who I was before I met my bf - and continue setting healthy boundaries for myself and communicating those. And if he is the right person for me this will be fine. In his defence he has always been very reassuring and this week did two concrete things where he demonstrated that my needs come before his ex's (that was a bit of a grey area which told me his habits are still enmeshed slightly). I think it is a slow process. Yes, I could say let's separate until you're in a better place - but I'm not ready to do that just yet. Something has come up where he can't get to me this afternoon but we will meet this evening. The something that's come up may make it not the right time to have the conversation I want to have with him - but either today or tomorrow I will.

@MidlifeIslander something has come up where he can't get to me this afternoon but we will meet this evening. The something that's come up may make it not the right time to have the conversation I want to have with him - but either today or tomorrow I will.

you’re tip toeing around this man’s needs OP.

I wouldn't get into this situation in the first place. I'd only date a free man.

I think your last post contains some real positives. Its great you're working in your boundaries and protecting yourself

But I agree with a pp. you're still prioritising his needs. Your feelings are still taking a back seat.

I do think you need to do some more work before you're ready for this complex relationship.

This is a tricky situation that I think a lot of people would struggle with. And I'm not sure you're in the right space yet to handle this without getting very hurt

Protect yourself. Many people would walk away from this relationship as it's too hard. And if he's a decent bloke he'll understand

I think this is good advice. I am mid-divorce and no way would I have been dating when we were still in the same house.

I would worry he can’t be by himself and is jumping into having a relationship/any relationship because of that.

I would also worry that the drama is manufactured- whatever my ex might be telling his girlfriend I feel contempt for him, and toast her with my friends that she has taken him out of my life.

Fundamentally though, people either behave decently or they don’t. She hasn’t really got anything to do with this and he should be able to side step the drama, or accept he isn’t in a place where he can be in a relationship.

A decent bloke wouldn't drag someone into the drama of their divorce/breakup and would thus wait until they were at least not living with their ex before dating.

Looks like those boudaries of yours still need lots of firming up so they protect you adequately.

You are right to be insecure - chances are you are the 'band-aid' girlfriend - someone to make him feel better about the pain of the divorce.