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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice or support, feel like my world has imploded

33 replies

Savvared · 29/09/2023 06:40

I've been with DP for 11years now. So as not to drip feed here is a back story. DP won't marry me as he is wealthy (I have always worked until having our baby 6 months ago) but never to the extent he earns. DP has undiagnosed mental health issues and also anger issues which stem from a traumatic childhood. He has hit me approximately 6x in our relationship over the years, most recently when I was 4months pregnant. We have been arguing a lot recently as he hasn't stepped up at all since the baby was born despite professing how much he loves dc. His reason is that he pays for everything and therefore that is his contribution and mine is to look after dc.
We didn't have sex after I found out I was pregnant when I was 3months as I had some bleeding and now I'm 6months pp he still won't as I haven't lost my baby weight, I was a size 8 before and now I'm a 12. For all the dv my DP has always maintained that he would never cheat, he never goes out except to work, doesn't drink or take drugs and is actually pretty vanilla. He has never slept around either which is why after our most recent argument I'm floored when he told me he slept with a prostitute whilst I was pregnant he said he did it out of spite and is glad as it now means it is the end of the relationship now I know. His mum, my mum and dad, his best friend all believe he hasn't done this but it's just another thing he's saying to try and push me away whilst in one of his mental episodes. His behaviour, the story etc also don't add up as he says he cheated when I was 4months pg then 8months. For reference his dad cheated on his mum with a prostitute when she was pregnant so I feel this story is just a recycled one. He knows the last straw is cheating for me (I know it should have been the violence). I feel sick as I now have to live with him as I have nowhere to go now. He is selling his house and has said once it is sold then I can have some money to move out with the baby. He said last night he knows I won't leave anyway. I'm not with him for the money at all as I genuinely loved and still love him but I'm heartbroken if this is true as he is so against cheating and thinks men who go to prostitutes are embarrassing as they are paying for someone who doesn't fancy or want to, to sleep with them.
I'm so anxious and distraught right now and I'm trying to be strong for my baby but I'm crumbling seeing him everyday. He has other properties but won't move out or let me move in for now. I'm just so stuck. My family are renovating their house so I have to wait to move in there as it has no doors or walls right now. I'm not sure what I'm asking, maybe for some advice.
Also our dc was much longed for and we ttc for 2 years before that.

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 29/09/2023 06:46

He is abusive and manipulative. Is this the relationship you want your child to see as normal ?
If your child is a girl, is this how you want her treated as an adult ? If it’s a boy, is this how want him treating women ? You lead by example.

ConnieTucker · 29/09/2023 06:48

he is so against cheating and thinks men who go to prostitutes are embarrassing as they are paying for someone who doesn't fancy or want to, to sleep with them
They are paying for a women who have little choice but to have sex with men for money. That tells you something about the men that do this.

He is abusive. You are going to leave this relationship with nothing. He doesnt think parenting is his job. You will do everything and coparenting will be a nightmare. He isnt looking like a good person.

what did you do before you stopped working? Can you go back to that?

ArseMenagerie · 29/09/2023 06:55

What do you mean he won’t ‘let’ you move out? Is he physically stopping you? Are you safe? ☹️ If you are being held against your will you can phone the police for help. You can report his abuse.
I hope you are safe right now!

Bertiesmum3 · 29/09/2023 06:55

sorr, you should have left the first time he hit you!

Dotcheck · 29/09/2023 07:03

You’re complicating the issue.
It doesn’t matter if he’s ‘vanilla’ or if he had a bad childhood or if he didn’t actually sleep with a prostitute.

He hits you. End of.
Just leave.

Original poster

Savvared · 29/09/2023 07:03

I know I should have left the first time he hit me, but like many women I didn't because I believed it was a one off and that he was triggered and remorseful. I don't have a time machine unfortunately so this is my situation now.
Due to the role and requirements I wouldn't be able to go back until my dc was older like school age (sorry to be vague).
I am a very empathetic person and I've always tried to heal and help people which is why I've stayed so long in this relationship as I know he's had a traumatic childhood.
I'm very anti prostitution as most of these women are trafficked and coerced or drug dependent and he shared these views (which I know is ironic).

OP posts:

Loubelle70 · 29/09/2023 07:07

Please contact us at womens aid for advice xx

User63847439572 · 29/09/2023 07:10

its not about you anymore you have to put your child first now.
it’s not easy but it is possible to leave with no money. He will have to financially support his child.
please get advice from womens aid and go somewhere.
if you have no savings you’d be entitled to universal credit.

NoSquirrels · 29/09/2023 07:11

Go to women’s aid. You need to move out and get away from him. Then, once you have settled into a new life, you’ll need to do some counselling to understand healthy relationships.

PermanentTemporary · 29/09/2023 07:12

I do know the situation where it's impossible to tell if someone's saying real things or not. That's in itself not a situation that leads to peace.

I'd say contact Women's Aid and make a stable life for yourself and your dc. Abd please, please have therapy before you go near another relationship - the Freedom Programme maybe. You may be empathetic but it isn't your job to try and heal violent men - your job is to protect yourself and give your children as good a childhood as you can.

hattie43 · 29/09/2023 07:13

You know you should have left a long time ago right . I cannot get my head around ttc for 2 yrs with an abuser . In what world is it acceptable to have a child with him as a dad . What if he hits the child .
Ring dv charities and get some advice .

TWmover · 29/09/2023 07:29

Other people have and will have experienced advice to give but I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're in this position and I hope you can seek and find appropriate support to leave this situation as soon as possible. The situation you have described is so totally opposite of a healthy relationship, please don't spend anymore of your or your child's life attempting to rectify this. Your partner clearly has a long history of unaddressed issues, is manipulative, violent and abusive. Sending you strength to reach out fir help and leave.

Nicole1111 · 29/09/2023 07:32

I hope you’re ok! Unfortunately domestic abuse is most likely to occur during pregnancy and at the end of the relationship and as such you’ve never been more at risk and neither has your child. I think you should think really carefully about what you can do to protect your child both now and in the future. The long term impact of exposure to domestic abuse on a child is life changing and on long lasting. Ringing women’s aid would be a great place to start.

burntoutnurse · 29/09/2023 07:38

You need to leave.

Contact women's aid.

Yes you're life is going to change. You may have to live on benefits for a while (make sure you claim child maintenance though!)

But at least you won't be his punch bag anymore. And preventing your child from potentially witnessing you being a punch bag. Or worse, becoming the punch bag.

He is a vile man. Cheating or not. He hits you. He controls you. And has potentially also given you an STD

littleburn · 29/09/2023 07:40

He hits you
He won't marry you
He doesn't look after his child
He body shames you
He withholds sex as a punishment ...

Why he does all that (mental health, troubled childhood) doesn't matter. You may love him and be a deeply empathetic person, but you need to recognise that doesn't make any of this ok, it just enables you staying with someone who is absolutely toxic to you and your well-being. Be empathetic and loving to yourself and your child and get away.

SomeonesRealName · 29/09/2023 07:50

OP has your family actually said you have to wait to move in there due to the renovations or is that just something you’ve decided yourself? If you haven’t already, please consider telling your family about the abuse and asking for help and protection in this desperate situation.

Original poster

Savvared · 29/09/2023 08:03

Thank you for the suggestions I will contact womens aid. I can categorically say that he adores dc and would never harm them but does no child rearing or care. I ttc because I'm a wonderful mother at a certain age and anyone who knows me/my child would agree that the dc is happy and surpassing milestones.

OP posts:

Original poster

Savvared · 29/09/2023 08:08

My family know now about the dv, they didn't before. The house they live in is structurally unsafe for me to move in to. I don't want to uproot the baby and move in to a hostel. I will ask him again to let me move in to the other property for now.

OP posts:

Loubelle70 · 29/09/2023 08:20

Savvared · 29/09/2023 08:08

Bless you. Well done you for seeing that DV isnt acceptable..womens aid can support with many things including housing, benefits, freedom programme etc xx

Humbugg · 29/09/2023 09:13

Oh gosh this sounds awful. How long until your parents house is done? Can you stay with friends until then or a travel lodge? I wouldn’t stay in your current house or your horrible partner’s property that doesn’t sound safe to me.

Daffodil18 · 29/09/2023 09:24

It does sound like he’s lying about the prostitute to make you leave. The relationship is dead but as long as you are safe, you need to dig your heals in and make sure you are financially stable. Tell him you will leave if he will put your name jointly on one of the properties. That way you have a stable home for you and DC.

Nicole1111 · 29/09/2023 11:18

Savvared · 29/09/2023 08:03

Seeing and hearing domestic abuse when you’re a child is incredibly harmful, even if the abuser isn’t harming the child directly. The consequences of this are so serious that the law changed to recognise this

Original poster

Savvared · 01/10/2023 00:05

No dv since dc was born.
He keeps saying that he doesn't believe I will move out.
I am up again crying and just so upset about what he says he's done and also how he's treated me.
I am worried he won't give me the money he has promised for me to buy a house with DC.

OP posts:

Original poster

Savvared · 01/10/2023 20:13

I tried to contact womens aid and they said the server is busy... Does anyone have a phone number for them? Or anywhere else I can go? I need to know my legal rights and try and get him out of the house as he has other properties he can go to.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/10/2023 20:23

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

He is harming his child because he is harming you both physically and mentally.

what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
What sort of example did your parents show you?.

Would you want your child as an adult to remain in an abusive relationship because their partner had a poor childhood?. It’s an excuse and besides which many people have poor childhoods and do not choose to abuse their partner. Your overt empathy for your abuser is misplaced and he has honed in on your empathetic nature for his own ends, ie to exploit it. He targeted you deliberately and your boundaries here, weakened perhaps by poor life experience and or previous abuse, are being further eroded by this man now. Abuse is about power and control and he wants absolute here over you and your child.

0808 2000 247 is the number for Women’s Aid. I would also suggest you call the police to have him removed at any point you feel unsafe.

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