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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ending marriage to a sex addict

32 replies

Hopingforahappierlife · 28/09/2023 20:29

After marrying the love of my life I found my successful , well respected husband was a sex addict . Signed up to 100s of dating sites, escorts, secret phones you name it I have found it . We went to a specialist but he refused to carry on with treatment. I have found him awake at 3 in the morning scrolling the sites .
I can’t carry on anymore as I have just found out he’s been having a regular hook up with someone off a kinky meet up site . I am smart, attractive but I guess that’s irrelevant, he’s broken me .
Please help me find the strength to end this , he’s threatening suicide again .

OP posts:
Wittow · 28/09/2023 20:31

That sounds tough. I hope you can move on soon. He won’t change, sadly.

madmumofteens · 28/09/2023 20:33

I'm so very sorry OP you don't deserve this 😞

Puddle13 · 28/09/2023 20:40

As someone who has dealt with many addicts in my life and having dealt with it myself in terms of an eating disorder, I can tell you this categorically: they will not change or get help unless they want to. You can try and get them the best help in the world but if they aren’t ready nothing will change. When people are in active addiction, they will lie and manipulate to get what they want. Your husband’s addiction is not your responsibility and you cannot fix him. For your own sanity, I urge you to walk away. It’s probably the best thing you could do for yourself and him. Sometimes you have to lose it all to realise that something has to change. I am so sorry you are going through this, I had a friend who turned out to have a sex and drug addiction and once his partner found out and left, only then did he even try to get any help. She was much better off without that relationship. There are also support groups for people who have parents/partners/siblings etc who are addicts which might help you unpack the pain you are feeling. I found them very helpful when deal with a parents addiction.

Mmhmmn · 28/09/2023 20:43

Oh so he’s an abusive narc as well, threatening suicide if you leave.

How dare he?

You've given him a chance after major major betrayal. He’s continued to betray your trust and put your sexual health at risk.

Get STI tested and a divorce.

Original poster
Hopingforahappierlife · 28/09/2023 20:48

There’s been no sex for a long time , I couldn’t face it after seeing the profiles of the girls he had been with off sites. I am classy and well groomed and they were the exact opposite ( not blaming them ) he’s the dirty one .
He’s been lying about his job work patterns as it’s a 24 hour vocation. I found a receipt for a meal when he was apparently busy at work and couldn’t be disturbed. He’s also got a drink problem. Financially he’s way better than off than me as I have looked after the home and family , I only have a part time job .

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 28/09/2023 20:50

He won't commit suicide. It's just a ploy.
Your number one priority is your sexual health and well being.
Get yourself tested ASAP, kick the dirty bastard out and get a solicitor.
Get your financial shit together. Make sure he doesn't empty any joint accounts.

2Hot2Handle · 28/09/2023 21:19

How awful for you. Your home and the love of your life isn’t a safe space at all and you don’t deserve to live your life this way.

Seek legal advice fast to secure yourself financially and get out of this relationship. If he threatens suicide again, offer to book him a GP appointment, but tell him you won’t be held hostage by this kind of threat. Make sure your legal counsel is aware of this too.

Chelsea543 · 28/09/2023 21:21

So not only is he a sex addict but he has a drinking problem too?
Im so sorry because you have been nothing but a great understanding spouse but clearly not only does he have issues but he has zero respect for you or his family life to be doing what he’s doing. If you are happy to turn a blind eye and live a fake life then I still don’t think you’d be content.
It’s very sad as it’s not even your fault why this is ending but you need to leave. This man is leading a single and selfish life and expecting you to be OK with it. You deserve better. Plus I’d be doing an STI test asap.

snowdrop2011 · 28/09/2023 21:42

Have either of you looked into SLAA?

Proudgypsy · 28/09/2023 21:57

He's seriously threatening suicide? How on earth does he have the audacity to expect you to stay with him?

Katrinawaves · 28/09/2023 22:17

As with anyone considering divorce or separation, it’s worth getting some legal advice on what you would be entitled to financially before you start to panic about what your economic position will be once the marriage ends.

If there is a genuine risk of suicide and he is a high earner, you could opt to go through mediation with a trained family mediator to resolve all the divorce and financial aspects as amicably as possible rather than slugging this out through lawyers in a more contentious way.

If he needs medical or mental health support through this, then for the sake of your children, I would encourage him to access this.

LuluBlakey1 · 28/09/2023 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Hopingforahappierlife · 28/09/2023 22:40

Yes we have tried the therapy , he gave up after two sessions . I also joined a support group but it wasn’t much help as everyone was very angry with good reason .

OP posts:
Takeabreather23 · 28/09/2023 23:04

Do you want to leave OP?

He won’t change

Original poster
Hopingforahappierlife · 28/09/2023 23:06

I want him to leave as I haven’t got the funds to do so and my kids are in important exam years . He’s supposed to be going tomorrow but I am scared he refuse or leave and not pay the mortgage. Yes I have truly had enough now, some of the things he has confessed has literally made me sick 🤢

OP posts:
AutumnSalad · 28/09/2023 23:09

I think you know what you need to do.

You don’t need strength.

You just need to do it.

Original poster
Hopingforahappierlife · 28/09/2023 23:10

If anyone in here as ever had the misfortune to look on Punternet that will explain the severity and distress this has caused me . Now me and my kids will lose our home which I have made so lovely because of him .

OP posts:
Takeabreather23 · 28/09/2023 23:18

Hopingforahappierlife · 28/09/2023 23:10

If anyone in here as ever had the misfortune to look on Punternet that will explain the severity and distress this has caused me . Now me and my kids will lose our home which I have made so lovely because of him .

@Hopingforahappierlife Im so sorry you are going through this and your kids .

I think you have to take time to accept what’s happened and make plans .
Keep him out and if he doesn’t pay the mortgage then the bank will take it back this will fall on his shoulders !
In the mean time make plans for a new home . I know it’s sad and another loss but you will be much happier in a nee place with out This scum
bag .
Show him he can’t treat you like this anymore .
Applynfor Andy help you can get and cms the minute he’s out the door tomorrow .

I’ve never seen that site and never herd of it

Katrinawaves · 28/09/2023 23:21

Did the most recent discovery just blow up tonight? When did you both discuss him moving out and has he made any attempt to start to prepare for this as far as you know? Has he booked a hotel or Air BnB and started packing some clothes.

Everything is clearly very raw and hard this evening but why have you leapt to the outcome that he will stop paying the mortgage? Has he threatened this or is he the kind of man who would be petty and spiteful to his children at this stage in their lives?

His sexual wrongdoings are awful and come wrapped up with lots of deceit and it’s very understandable why you feel the way you do but are you catastrophising tonight or is there a real basis for some of your fears?

Hopefully things will look a little brighter in the morning. If you have anything in the house which might help you sleep, maybe it’s worth taking some tonight?

Californiabound · 28/09/2023 23:22

Creepy little cunts like him are ten a penny, I actually wondered if he was the one I knew. But no, they are everywhere (shudder)

Original poster
Hopingforahappierlife · 28/09/2023 23:39

No he gas lighted me the last few months , he’s a got a senior job in healthcare and often works irregular hours . I thought I was going mad as I was finding additional washing etc. I found out a week ago that apparently he’s been seeing some casual hook up on top of all the other infidelity but I think it’s a made up story and an affair .

OP posts:
Original poster
Hopingforahappierlife · 28/09/2023 23:42

It’s a second marriage and only my kids live here, his are grown up .

OP posts:
Catoo · 28/09/2023 23:50

So sorry OP.
You’ve done the right thing by getting rid. You’ll find a full time job and you’ll make another place into a lovely home for you and DC.
And you’ll be so much happier.
It will be OK.

GreyCarpet · 29/09/2023 00:15

Threatening suicide after the way he's behaved?

Sorry, OP, but, to quote my teenage daughter, "Sucks to be him then really. Doesn't it?"

You will be so much better off without him.

caringcarer · 29/09/2023 01:08

Don't let him blackmail you with his suicide threats. He is to blame for the marriage breaking down not you. If he is genuinely addicted to sex he should have got treatment for it. Either way he has been unfaithful to you and surely can't expect you to tolerate his behaviour. Stand firm and get him to leave. You deserve so much better than this.