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Original poster

Running up big debts - what's he spending his money on?

40 replies

bitchentrotter · 05/03/2008 18:49

(have changed name for this in case anyone who knows me recognises my friend but I'm a old gimmer MNnetter)

One of my best friends is having big problems with her dh. He has run up big debts several times in their 14 years together which have come to light when she has found bank/credit card statements. Since they've had children she's told him each time that he's putting their relationship in jeopardy, not to mention the house, etc. She always sorts things out and he is kind of relying on this as his safety net. They had a windfall a few years back, but not a 'good one' really - he was very ill and his critcal life cover paid out. He's better now but can't get life insurance because of his medical history now. So the money they got has been put away in leiu of life cover and also for their 3 dcs' futures.

Gradually, though, this money is ebbing away each time she bails him out of his debts. She took charge of his bank cards a few weeks ago and then this week found that he'd been taking her cash card early each morning and withdrawing money. She found out when she opened a staement which showed she was running up bank charges for being over her overdraft limit. She thought hercard had been stolen and cancelled it, but by looking at the times and places of the withdrawals worked out it was her dh.

There was another huge blowup and they're in the middle of sorting it out again. But in doing this and talking about it today, we've realised that he's spending between £100-150 on average a week. She gets all the household stuff including food with an allowance he gives her, so he has no need to buy extras for the house. His job involves driving so his petrol is paid for. He says he can't account for what he spends it on - says it's just 'bits and bobs' but he literally has nothing to show for it.

We've discounted drugs, but our thoughts today have ranged from:
handjobs from prostitutes
alcohol
slot machines
even food and an eating disorder!
What else could it be?

He's agreed to debt counselling but now me and her think that this won't tackle wahtever the other problem might be. Or could a dh that works full-time be capable of innocently 'frittering' that amount of money each week? We're open to all scenarios.

OP posts:
RubySlippers · 05/03/2008 18:51

gambling?

Onlyaphase · 05/03/2008 18:53

Maybe gambling? Is he being blackmailed?

TBH my first thought was prostitutes. He sounds like he is addicted to something - does your friend have any clues?

charliecat · 05/03/2008 18:55

Im sure if I had access to 150 a week I could fritter it, on nothing, its wouldnt be hard.
Gambling, take away food, mars bars, coke, etc, not hard to spend a tenner a day on if stopping at garages etc.

Onlyaphase · 05/03/2008 18:57

I think the fact that the husband took his wife's bankcard without her knowledge indicates that the money isn't being spent on cans of coke or other junk - he must have a real need for something to steal money like that. Are you sure you can discount drugs?

Quattrocento · 05/03/2008 19:01

I spend that much a week on nothing. Well, on cappucinos, a lunch here, a top up for the DCs mobiles maybe, a bunch of flowers on the way home, a copy of the FT there, maybe a book at the station. It's not because I am paying for sex, truly.

BlaDeBla · 05/03/2008 19:03

Why does your friend keep bailing this man out? He's been frittering away THEIR money, stealing her money, and carries on spending... It's quite easy to spend £150/week on rubbish - He may stop for lunch, he may buy a paper or a magazine. He probably stops for a cup of coffee, perhaps feeds a parking meter. My dh used to have a job driving, but quite a lot of the time he was sitting around. I don't know if the situation is the same? Does this man gamble?

It is awful being with someone who is crap with money. I really hope they can sort this one out, as it destroys trust and the relationships that go with it.

How much money is spent servicing debt? I was quite shocked when I found out about my dh's debt. Some people have an awful lot of credit cards hidden away. Does he owe money? If so, to whom?

NotDoingTheHousework · 05/03/2008 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TimeForMe · 05/03/2008 19:33

Hotel sessions with another woman?
Horses (gambling)?

Original poster
bitchentrotter · 05/03/2008 20:39

hmmmmmm. We realised as we were talking today that we might be guilty of being melodramatic with all these reasons, but as she said, she can't trust him anymore because he's lied so much about keeping to their agreed rules about money time and time again. We just couldn't imagine frittering that much on a daily basis. I was just thinking that some days, yes I could, but other days I'd have money leftover, to carry over into the next day, etc.
She did put some of these accusations to him the other night and he seemed stricken that she could think that way of him... and yet he doesn't seem able to connect his spending as putting his family and home at risk.
My friend is heartily sick of this, but wouldn't not take a split lightly (would anyone?). Their 3 dcs would be devastated to lose their dad from the house; he's a good dad and very hands on. But his behaviour is making her lose all respect for him and that is having a knock-on effect to their everyday lives.

It's just amazing that her dh can put this amount of pressure on her. One of their dcs has been recently diagnosed with a condition that will be life-long and has involved much stress for them all. It seems so selfish that he is adding to that. And he just can't (or won't) see it.

OP posts:
charliecat · 05/03/2008 20:46

she needs to remove the card from him? and keep it out of the way? locked in cr glove box or something? Then SHE needs to stick to the budget, give him allocated spending money...etc etc

foxinsocks · 05/03/2008 20:52

lol at handjobs from prostitutes. My dh fritters amounts but he is USELESS with money and I haven't calculated how much he fritters - also, he does the sort of job where he goes out for drinks/meals a lot (as part of his job).

Does he do that sort of thing? Because if he's going out for a drink after work, I would imagine you could easily spend that sort of money once you've added in lunches, coffees etc.

However, him saying he can't account for it is odd. Whatever it is (if it isn't gambling or whoring), he should be able to keep his receipts for a week. Can she ask him to do that? In a spirit of reconciliation? Like 'you bring the receipts back and I'll help you work out how much you've spent'?

Not being funny but I have known so many people who really are so crap with money they honestly wouldn't know how much they have spent (dh wouldn't).

WideWebWitch · 05/03/2008 20:56

I can easily fritter that amount per week on

cabs
food out of the house
magazines
drinks if I go out (not often though)
Americanos
newspapers
collections at work

but it is odd if he really can't say. Gambling would be my guess.

expatinscotland · 05/03/2008 21:01

I'd assume he has a gambling problem.

Or drugs.

scanner · 05/03/2008 21:02

Agree with the others that this doesn't sound like a lot to spend a week.

However I know of a couple where the h had a cocaine problem that his wife had no idea about. Before they had dc's he got away with it, but once she became a sahm and money was tighter it became clear that money was being 'frittered'.

Are you sure it's not drugs.

OverMyDeadBody · 05/03/2008 21:06

The fact that he was secretly withdrawing money using her card is what rings alarm bells for me. Sounds like he needs the money to feed an adiction.

I'd say drugs (what made you discount this?) or gambling.

Original poster
bitchentrotter · 05/03/2008 21:27

Think he was taking her card because bank had stopped him using his and he (stupidly) thought that if he asked for money she'd then ask him why he didn't have any himself.

She's already taken his card from him and has taken all the necessary steps to completely take over the finances. She was pretty much doing most of it anyway.

Drugs - he's never been exposed to any situations with drugs really and I think he's one of the only success stories from Grange Hill's Just Say No campaign - he'd be too scared of them, their effects, the people he'd need to contact to get them, etc.

His job just isn't the type that needs him to go around shops; he doesn't buy magazines, he doesn't smoke... But his job is one that keeps him away from the house for long and unsociable hours. He's on call a lot.

OP posts:
bubblepop · 05/03/2008 21:31

how about; a packet of fags a day, chewing gum, a couple of newspapers, pie and chips at lunch time, 3/4 cans of beer every night,coffee at work plus snacks from a vending machine....this sort of spending was similar to what my dad would do every day..my mum often said he was drawing £100 per week out of the cash machine and this was his 'pocket money'. needless to say she has since bailed out of the marriage!

Original poster
bitchentrotter · 05/03/2008 21:38

but if I didn't have any money, was in trouble with the bank and in danger of my other half finding out about debts again after a near-split last time this happened; I think I could forsake my gum/fags/mags/pasties/whatever for fear of being found out. It's called a bit of sacrifice to save face.

Get this - he took £50/£60 out of her account last week one morning then went to work, she tried to buy formula later that day and couldn't get any cash out (as he'd taken it up to her overdraft) and so had to buy milk with her emergency credit card, then when he got home, and she said she'd run out of money, he told her he'd got £30 in tips and gave it back to her!!

OP posts:
snice · 05/03/2008 21:39

Could be drink? A bottle of spirits a day maybe. Otherwise I'd assume some form of gambling either horses, slot machines or casino.

Original poster
bitchentrotter · 05/03/2008 21:42

We did think about drink. God I hope it's not - it will lose him his job. and the thought of him driving his kids round half cut most of the time....

OP posts:
suzi2 · 05/03/2008 21:42

I could fritter that on not much I suppose.

Other thought would be does he have other debt that she doesn't know about? If he has a storecard or something their interest rates can be so whopping that the interest payments alone each month are huge.

I would ask that he keeps/gets receipts for everything that he buys, that way they can analyse his spending better. Also, tell her to get a credit report - just to be sure they know exactly where they stand with the debts.

Looking at the 'dodgy' reasons... don't suppose he has another child somewhere, even from before theyw ere together, that he's helping out with? One of my friends partners found he had a DD he never knew about (from before they met). He hid it from my friend as he had no idea what to say, but was asked to provide some financial support and he wanted to do that.

charliecat · 05/03/2008 21:43

My mates x husband did this, his addiction was cds, going into the little independant cd shop and ordering in imports for £24.99 give or take a few quid, looking like Mr Rich to them, you can just imagine as he hands over £150 for a few cds Music or dvds, anything expensive. They lost the house, he lost her. He was a selfish shit, and still is.
He did the money out the machine thing daily, was macdonalds coke and the cds, and cigars too.
Meanwhile my mate was having to get her dad to get her to pay for the weekly food shop

ara · 05/03/2008 21:44

over the counter drugs maybe? they're not cheap. sounds like something a bit shady anyway.

expatinscotland · 05/03/2008 21:45

don't think it's drink.

i think it's gambling, tbh. can easily be done online, too.

suzi2 · 05/03/2008 21:49

yeah, even scratchcards can mount up

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