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Relationships

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Original poster

Running up big debts - what's he spending his money on?

40 replies

bitchentrotter · 05/03/2008 18:49

(have changed name for this in case anyone who knows me recognises my friend but I'm a old gimmer MNnetter)

One of my best friends is having big problems with her dh. He has run up big debts several times in their 14 years together which have come to light when she has found bank/credit card statements. Since they've had children she's told him each time that he's putting their relationship in jeopardy, not to mention the house, etc. She always sorts things out and he is kind of relying on this as his safety net. They had a windfall a few years back, but not a 'good one' really - he was very ill and his critcal life cover paid out. He's better now but can't get life insurance because of his medical history now. So the money they got has been put away in leiu of life cover and also for their 3 dcs' futures.

Gradually, though, this money is ebbing away each time she bails him out of his debts. She took charge of his bank cards a few weeks ago and then this week found that he'd been taking her cash card early each morning and withdrawing money. She found out when she opened a staement which showed she was running up bank charges for being over her overdraft limit. She thought hercard had been stolen and cancelled it, but by looking at the times and places of the withdrawals worked out it was her dh.

There was another huge blowup and they're in the middle of sorting it out again. But in doing this and talking about it today, we've realised that he's spending between £100-150 on average a week. She gets all the household stuff including food with an allowance he gives her, so he has no need to buy extras for the house. His job involves driving so his petrol is paid for. He says he can't account for what he spends it on - says it's just 'bits and bobs' but he literally has nothing to show for it.

We've discounted drugs, but our thoughts today have ranged from:
handjobs from prostitutes
alcohol
slot machines
even food and an eating disorder!
What else could it be?

He's agreed to debt counselling but now me and her think that this won't tackle wahtever the other problem might be. Or could a dh that works full-time be capable of innocently 'frittering' that amount of money each week? We're open to all scenarios.

OP posts:

Original poster

bitchentrotter · 05/03/2008 21:51

Wouldn;t be online gambling - he doesn;t use the computer at home much at all. I wondered about internet access from his phone, but it's a work phone so they'd be able to see what he was accessing... unless he's got his own new phone she doesn't know about?

We even considered the 'other child' scenario... seems unlikely though. I think if it's gambling, it's slot machines in pubs maybe?

OP posts:

Original poster

bitchentrotter · 05/03/2008 21:52

ah... scratchcards. Never thought of that...

OP posts:

lucharl · 05/03/2008 22:09

I don't think the amount is that huge - most men I know seem to able to spend £100 without much difficulty.

But I do think the deceit is weird and probably signals something dodgy going on.

I doubt it's drugs if your friend thinks it's unlikely - speaking as the ex of a serious drug addict there would be other signs in his behaviour. And the amounts would be much bigger (my ex could spend hundreds in a night).

But I don't see any point in debt counselling when it's actually the lying and secretly taking the bank card that is the biggest problem, IMO.

Original poster

bitchentrotter · 05/03/2008 22:35

agree. I think he's offering to have it as a decoy but she and I agreed it'd be like trying to repair a dam with a plaster.

We wondered if Relate might be a good idea- with the idea that he be given the opportunity to have some sessions on his own once it's established, to give him the chance to offload? I don;t know if he'll lie to them as well, and they obviously can't make him tell the whole truth (if there is one) but IME I think the counsellors are very skilled.

OP posts:

bluejelly · 05/03/2008 22:37

I would hazard a guess at gambling. My ex was a gambler. Frittered away a fortune. Thankfully not my money (phew)

madamez · 05/03/2008 22:41

It's something dodgy or he wouldn't be stealing from her. Either he owes someone dubious money, he's being blackmailed, or it's gambling. Lots of people fritter money (I am very bad about this) but can rein it in when desperately broke.

lucharl · 05/03/2008 22:45

I don't know, bitchentrotter, I just know I could never again live with someone who lied about this stuff. Or was not only inept with money but constantly forcing their partner to sort things out.

I will probably be in debt for a good few years thanks to my ex's problems but I'm glad at least I stopped it getting any worse by stopping helping him to run up any more debts.

Your friend should make sure he can't keep getting hold of her bank card - is this very difficult?

Original poster

bitchentrotter · 05/03/2008 22:55

I know it's pathetic isn't it (in the true sense of the word).

She says she often feels like she has 4 children because he's forcing her to be his parent with his irresponsible behaviour. And she could really do without all this. But I think he knows that she would put the kids before her own personal happiness to a large extent and so he's kind of relying on the fact she won't give up on him just yet.

But I agree.. I can't see how I would be able to love him truely with so much respect and trust gone. What a mess

OP posts:

Drusilla · 05/03/2008 23:05

Another vote for gambling. Slot machines or small bets in the bookies - he'll think he's not spending much because it's all small ammounts in isolation. I know a 23 yr old who is £25k in debt from slot machines

lucharl · 05/03/2008 23:17

I probably shouldn't even be posting on this thread because I am so intolerant now of this kind of behaviour...

will she and the kids really be better off staying with someone who will keep putting them in this position?

Trying to be positive, I guess nothing to lose from counselling if she thinks it will help get to the real problem.

dippydeedoo · 05/03/2008 23:22

if i were her id be stowing away cash for a runaway fund in case it ever got so bad ....someone i know her dp was spending £200 on speed?is he a smoker? a drink after work in the pub?

lilacclaire · 06/03/2008 09:13

First thought was gambling

Onlyaphase · 06/03/2008 11:15

Talked about this to my DH last night, and his take on this is that it is easy to fritter that amount of money away BUT there is no way that you would do this if you had money issues at home, so we reckon either he is a useless git who needs treating like a child, or he is hiding some secret hobby. Agree that it would make respect for each other within a marriage very difficult.

boudoiricca · 06/03/2008 11:22

another vote for gambling. sounds like he has been addicted (and it is an addiciton) for a very long time and can't break the cycle. needs to be a strong reason rather than just frittering, surely, to still be taking money secretly.

can she confront him and force the issue?

musicgirl · 06/03/2008 12:47

Could be anything. A relative of my partner spent the 5 grand in the holiday account his wife had set up (she doesn't earn a lot but is a very good saver or, as my partner put it, "every penny is a prisoner") on comic books. He had to work all the overtime he could get and borrow from the rest of the family to replace it before she realised.

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