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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this a bit odd?

28 replies

blobby10 · 28/09/2023 11:40

Can't work out if I'm the weird one here so would appreciate some input from others.
Split up from exH 8 years ago after 20 years of marriage and 3 children. Youngest was 15 at this point. It was a very amicable split and remains so - although the children lived with me they spent lots of time with their Dad at our house and his. He remarried in 2019, our now adult children went to the wedding and will go round to their dads place as often as adults who live away from the area would normally do ie occasional weekend visits, birthdays, christmas etc. He doesn't have any spare rooms so they stay with me and I still provide a home for them.

Here's the weird bit - middle child (25) has just completed a self funded Masters degree (I'm so very proud of him!!) and has the graduation ceremony in December . There are 2 tickets available and I assumed that his Dad and I would go (separately) like we did last year for our youngest's graduation. However, the wife is not happy at being left out of 'family things to do with the children' so won't let my ex go.
Is it just me who finds this weird? She has had no part in their lives, played no part in supporting them anyway whatsoever, and now wants a ticket to a graduation ceremony or their Dad can't go ? I'm aware that I'm spending far too much time thinking about this (and need to stop doing so!) so feel free to tell me I'm being ridiculous

OP posts:

Nuttyroche · 28/09/2023 11:43

Yes odd

the key question is - your ex presumably is going to deal with this and not cause problems for your child

ladybird30 · 28/09/2023 11:44

Why doesn't she go but let you and your ex go to the ceremony and then join the celebrations after? Seems very unreasonable to tell your ex he can't go at all...

ladybird30 · 28/09/2023 11:44

Why doesn't she go but let you and your ex go to the ceremony and then join the celebrations after? Seems very unreasonable to tell your ex he can't go at all...

Nuttyroche · 28/09/2023 11:46

If your ex doesn’t go, what a spineless, pathetic limp lettuce of a person

Janieforever · 28/09/2023 11:46

Why does he need her permission? Very odd she “won’t let him go” . Whose words are those?

Nuttyroche · 28/09/2023 11:47

Is this literally the first time you have ever encountered problems with this person?

because someone behaving like this… is likely always to have been difficult

do your children like her?

ZuliKyanLarsFoz · 28/09/2023 11:48

She needs to give her head a wobble and realise that it's not about her.

Tomatoketchupred · 28/09/2023 11:49

It’s their problem not yours. Of course he should go, but it’s up to him to sort that with his wife. It’s a shame for your dc though

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 11:49

I'd be telling your ex how pathetic it is that he's allowing his wife to prevent him from supporting his own child. Your son won't forget this.

Aprilx · 28/09/2023 11:51

It is odd that she doesn’t want him to go. It is even odder that he needs to be allowed to go to his sons ceremony!

INeedAnotherName · 28/09/2023 11:57

It is very weird. Take both tickets and go with one of the siblings. Don't waste a ticket. I'm sure a sibling won't mind stepping aside if dad grows a spine at the last minute but make sure you get a ticket. I can see him and her going and not you.

Nuttyroche · 28/09/2023 12:02

according to your recent post…. For two previous graduations you and your ex have sat together

so what’s different this time?

BillStickersWillBeProsocuted · 28/09/2023 12:27

I agree It's odd, but it seems to me it's a him problem!

Make sure you get your ticket, apart from that I say enjoy your day and leave them to it!

DumpedByText · 28/09/2023 12:30

He needs to grow a pair and tell her it's his kid and he's going!

HappyToSmile · 28/09/2023 12:30

Yep, that's odd.
Maybe something has happened within the relationship recently you're unaware of (his head has been turned or hers and she is projecting.....just a thought)
However, make sure you still go. Just in case it is suggested she take your ticket. I hope your ex has the backbone to tell her he is going.

Seaweed42 · 28/09/2023 12:38

This is about him and his relationship with his son.
Instead of telling him what to do, ask him a question.

"Think about your relationship with your son. Would you like your Dad to be there for one of your proudest moments in life - or not?"

Tell him his wife will get over this, but for his son is a Very Big Deal indeed.

Depending on the subject/day of graduation there may be sometimes extra seats or a viewing platform available for other family members who don't get seats in the hall.

His stepmother can go along and meet him afterward the award ceremony.
She doesn't need to be completely excluded.

Original poster

blobby10 · 28/09/2023 18:05

Thank you everyone for your responses! To answer some of the questions, ‘won’t let home go’ were the words DS used when he told me.
she was invited to go and meet up afterwards but doesn’t want to wait outside on her own . I’ve never met her and tbh don’t want to - my relationship with her husband is purely on an ‘as necessary’ and as little as possible basis. As our relationship broke down , he was having counselling because he ‘couldn’t cope with the weight of being responsible for everything’ despite me working full time and doing everything around the house and our children being teens at that point ! Yes he’s a bit spineless and wet - was like having four children at times.

and yes this will damage the relationship between the children and their father.

OP posts:

Tlolljs · 28/09/2023 18:08

Well it’s his look out really. If he is prepared to let her dictate then it’s on him. Your son must be upset though?

Original poster

blobby10 · 28/09/2023 18:30

I think he is but it’s more a resigned upset - hes out with him tonight so clearly I’m more annoyed on his behalf 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:

Epidote · 28/09/2023 20:19

Your exH wife is being a PITA. If your ex give up his child graduation to make her happy pick both tickets and go with someone else.

minieggsandmaltesers · 28/09/2023 22:17

Well it's not going to last is it?
His 2nd marriage I mean.

ColdEvenings · 28/09/2023 22:25

Nuttyroche · 28/09/2023 12:02

according to your recent post…. For two previous graduations you and your ex have sat together

so what’s different this time?

This is the weird bit. He's been to other graduations. Perhaps she was jealous when she saw pictures?

Whatever!! He's a spineless twat, and it's him that loses out. Your son won't forget! Not your problem!

Original poster

blobby10 · 29/09/2023 11:59

Thank you again to everyone who has replied. Its a great comfort to know that I'm not unjustified in thinking that hes a spineless twat. I won't waste any more time pondering about it now

OP posts:

Seaoftroubles · 29/09/2023 13:10

You are certainly not being ridiculous! He is indeed a spineless twat and he needs to support his son and be there. I would have no hesitation in telling him that he risks damaging his relationship with his son if he doesn't attend.

BadHairAtFestivals · 29/09/2023 13:46

Of course he should go without her. Nobody should be made to choose to hurt or not be there for their child.

But to also recognise another perspective, my DH attended his son's graduation with his ex. No problem with that and absolutely right. She then arranged a celebratory meal after which included their DD too. I'd had a long time role in their lives, and me and DH have a son who is very close to his siblings. I wouldn't have for one second expected to be invited, but it hurt that it didn't occur to DH that he maybe should have skipped on the meal bit, and organised something seperate for our 'unit' later that day or after so that we could also share the proud moment.

The role of step mum is hard at times,. We're also invested in the kids lives and want to share the special times too. I'd never have dreamt of telling my DH he couldn't go, so on reflection we'd have found an additional way to allow us all to celebrate.

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