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Original poster

Scared of what might happen on date

26 replies

ffoxtrotter · 28/09/2023 06:51

Hi ,

I have been seeing this man in and off for four months and I'm not going to lie he has grown on me so much. We both have feelings for each other . Him more than me but that's just the way I am . It takes me a long while to feel like that. I am rather closed off .

It's been a long time since I have been on a date with some one new and just came out of a 13 year relationship. About 8 months ago . This person came in to my life when I least expected it .

We always meet up and just enjoy each other's company. He seems so kind and genuine. He's invited me to his apartment Friday evening and the plan is to make some cocktails, order an Italian and watch a few films. He's even offered me to stay the night which I most likely will. He said he would take the sofa and I could have his bed .

I don't feel that uncomfortable with him so said he could share the bed too. I know something is going to happen but I don't know if I'm ready for it . We haven't even kissed as of yet because I keep putting it off.

The thought of having sex with him is really scaring me and I can't put my finger really on why just apart from me being emotionally closed off .

I want too and get excited and nervous thinking of it but then as the day goes by I start regretting my whole decision of even going up there but I know that's just the worried side taking over .

How do people get over this and once you are doing the deed is it ok ? I know I sound so immature right now but I am struggling with my feelings .

Thankyou

OP posts:
HazelBite · 28/09/2023 07:02

The big question is are you sexually attracted to him?

DustyLee123 · 28/09/2023 07:02

If you don’t want sex I wouldn’t be staying at his. You need to do some kissing and cuddling first.

Original poster
ffoxtrotter · 28/09/2023 07:04

HazelBite · 28/09/2023 07:02

The big question is are you sexually attracted to him?

Hi Thankyou for replying. When I first met him for the very first time I wasn't . But I can be like that but he's grown on me so much . I am sexually attracted to him and I realised this more yesterday. I'm just an awful nervous person 😂.

OP posts:
Original poster
ffoxtrotter · 28/09/2023 07:05

DustyLee123 · 28/09/2023 07:02

If you don’t want sex I wouldn’t be staying at his. You need to do some kissing and cuddling first.

I know 😢 this is what is worrying me . He's assured me that we can go as far and as little as I want. He said he would be just as happy as cuddling up and watching a film . I just hope he means it

OP posts:
larlypops · 28/09/2023 07:06

I was going to ask the same if you’re attracted to him and it’s not friend vibes considering you hadn’t even kissed.
Have you been intimate like a cuddle or handholding.
I know easier said than done but it you want to the key is not to overthink it and let things happen naturally but be open to it if that’s what you want.

Lemondrizzlelele · 28/09/2023 07:08

I'm not being rude OP, but if he has already waited months for even a kiss I very much doubt he will push you into sex.
I wouldn't wait that long for someone to kiss me, I would assume they didn't fancy me and simply move on. I can't really blame him for wanting to move things up a notch, it's perfectly natural.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 07:09

I think you need to be much easier on yourself. You quite recently got out of a long term relationship, it's very understandable that you feel hesitant about having sex. You're just not ready and you need time to work through it.

Perhaps staying over is too much for you right now.

Original poster
ffoxtrotter · 28/09/2023 07:09

larlypops · 28/09/2023 07:06

I was going to ask the same if you’re attracted to him and it’s not friend vibes considering you hadn’t even kissed.
Have you been intimate like a cuddle or handholding.
I know easier said than done but it you want to the key is not to overthink it and let things happen naturally but be open to it if that’s what you want.

❤️ Thankyou. We have held hands and cuddled but that's only because he has asked for a cuddle and just grabbed my hand 😂. I'm way too closed off to anything related to emotions and I know I need to work on that . Even kissing him I'm so scared of doing . This happened to me before so I know it's not relating towards what I feel or don't feel about him . I was head over heels for this person and I have never felt the way I did and sadly still do about anyone . I only managed to kiss him . Totally worked my self up about sex said I couldn't and left !

OP posts:
Original poster
ffoxtrotter · 28/09/2023 07:11

Lemondrizzlelele · 28/09/2023 07:08

I'm not being rude OP, but if he has already waited months for even a kiss I very much doubt he will push you into sex.
I wouldn't wait that long for someone to kiss me, I would assume they didn't fancy me and simply move on. I can't really blame him for wanting to move things up a notch, it's perfectly natural.

Thankyou . I know and I feel guilty for not being able to do all the things that are natural. I think if I can do it tomorrow then I will be able to do it any other time . X

OP posts:
Anothagoatthis · 28/09/2023 07:12

ffoxtrotter · 28/09/2023 07:05

I know 😢 this is what is worrying me . He's assured me that we can go as far and as little as I want. He said he would be just as happy as cuddling up and watching a film . I just hope he means it

Show quote history

It depends, it really depends on the character of the man! Can you trust him ? I’d say be careful but I’ve definitely stayed over night at guys houses and made it clear we are not having sex and it’s been fine.

You say he came into your life 8 months ago- have you been dating for 8 months? I’m just wondering as that’s quite a long time to date without kissing.

ParisianMonster · 28/09/2023 07:20

I think you're not that into him my friend was like that with a guy after her LTR ended, they kissed loads but she couldn't have sex with him mentally there was a block and in the end the guy was an arsehole, she was dating him for 4 months too and when she rejected sex at his place he cooled right off her. He too had said hell wait, in no rush etc. Her feelings were from red flags she felt something wasn't right about him which she couldn't articulate, she had v low self esteem, he was actually lovebombing her which overwhelmed her, but she kept hearing how she should just go for it in reality she wasn't ready, he had icky red flags and she didn't feel safe enough with hi which is partly cause she wasn't healed and partly cause of little red flags here and there. Just because you're not a virgin doesn't mean you cant take sex much more seriously and consciously because I feel sex with bad partners take a piece of you away. I dont think you're ready to be dating to not even have kissed. Id cancel the invitation.

WandaWonder · 28/09/2023 07:20

No one should be pressured but if you can't handle what is normal or natural then do not be surprised if it won't last

If it is you that has the issues then address these before putting them onto someone else, it is not fair on them

Anyone saying 'well they have to be understanding forever' it can only go on so long

SpringleDingle · 28/09/2023 07:21

I get this and find it’s best to rip the bandaid off and just do it. I normally don’t even know if I enjoyed it until afterwards! Once I’ve done it once the anxiety really fades.

Frickinghell · 28/09/2023 07:26

Sounds like its moving a bit fast for you and its still early days ending your other relationship. I would plan to go home, not stay. Cuddles on the sofa sounds good. No pressure

Anothagoatthis · 28/09/2023 07:34

ParisianMonster · 28/09/2023 07:20

I think you're not that into him my friend was like that with a guy after her LTR ended, they kissed loads but she couldn't have sex with him mentally there was a block and in the end the guy was an arsehole, she was dating him for 4 months too and when she rejected sex at his place he cooled right off her. He too had said hell wait, in no rush etc. Her feelings were from red flags she felt something wasn't right about him which she couldn't articulate, she had v low self esteem, he was actually lovebombing her which overwhelmed her, but she kept hearing how she should just go for it in reality she wasn't ready, he had icky red flags and she didn't feel safe enough with hi which is partly cause she wasn't healed and partly cause of little red flags here and there. Just because you're not a virgin doesn't mean you cant take sex much more seriously and consciously because I feel sex with bad partners take a piece of you away. I dont think you're ready to be dating to not even have kissed. Id cancel the invitation.

I was actually leaning more towards thinking it’s ok for op to stay over at his house , but I think you’ve made some really good points.

I’m also wondering how it will apply to my own situation. I’m in a similar position of dating a guy who I’ve kissed loads but haven’t did anything further. He said he’s ok to wait but It will be interesting to see if he maintains that approach if/when I go to his for dinner or if he will turn out be like your friends ex.

but I’d probably say if Op does feel she is into him and wants to go it definitely shouldn’t be overnight.

Hiddenvoice · 28/09/2023 07:42

Don’t feel guilty for taking your time op. He sounds like a genuinely nice guy with the way he’s going at your speed so far.

Go for the date and see how you get on, maybe even have a kiss and cuddle if you feel ready for that. If you want to then leave and go home then please do so. If you fancy staying the night then maybe see about him sleeping on the couch, it might make you feel more comfortable. Even if you do sleep in the bed, just make clear you’re not ready for that level of intimacy yet.
You never know though, once you’re there you might start to feel differently. Only do what you’re ready for but try to remain open as it might help to just go with the flow.

It sounds like you’re maybe not as attracted to him as you thought or you’re actually quite scared about being intimate with someone different which is a normal way to feel after being with someone for 13 years.

Lemondrizzlelele · 28/09/2023 07:45

Thankyou . I know and I feel guilty for not being able to do all the things that are natural. I think if I can do it tomorrow then I will be able to do it any other time . X

Please don't feel guilty - just because you aren't following what's "normal" doesn't mean you need to feel guilty. I think I would probably try for a kiss but not stay the night. I would tell him staying over can come later. I would kiss him and see how you feel, often it tells you what you need to know because I'm not sure you like him in that way.

ParisianMonster · 28/09/2023 08:03

WandaWonder · 28/09/2023 07:20

No one should be pressured but if you can't handle what is normal or natural then do not be surprised if it won't last

If it is you that has the issues then address these before putting them onto someone else, it is not fair on them

Anyone saying 'well they have to be understanding forever' it can only go on so long

But nobody said they will have to be understanding forever.
Re the unfair on them, The guy is an adult if he doesn't want to wait he can and will say so sooner or later. For.all we know he could have low drive or is getting it elsewhere. You make it sound like op is bringing anger issues or being abusive for 'withholding sex' when op and many women in her position feel like this after terrible experiences with men.

Out of interest, are you a man? Maybe in a sexless marriage and projecting? Because you seem quite insensitive and blazé about sex which is more common an attitude with men, I find.

Zanatdy · 28/09/2023 08:25

If you’ve never wanted to kiss him in 4 months then I’d say you’re not sexually attracted to him. When you’re attracted to someone you want to hold their hand, kiss them and more. Get that you’re nervous / anxious etc but to me it really doesn’t sound like you’re into him. I think you should cancel staying over and get a taxi home.

Catsafterme · 28/09/2023 08:54

Just my perspective if it helps, I am one of those who would wait for the woman I am dating to be comfortable and not pressure.

There is obviously at some point going to be progression but that needs to be okay on both sides. You are nervous and that is okay, that is who you are but be aware that you may be vulnerable in that sense. He may not be this way so it's just a different perspective, I don't know him but keep that in mind.

In my view, if I was dating someone who is nervous and things have been going slow, I probably wouldn't suggest that. Maybe invite you over for dinner and a film but I wouldn't suggest staying over, regardless if I was on the sofa. If you came over and you were comfortable and you suggested to stay, then that's you being comfortable enough to want to move to that without me putting that pressure. Likewise, I question the cocktails, could be innocent but at the end of the day that will have an effect.

Again, I don't know him it's just my advice but do things at your pace and don't feel like you have to rush. It doesn't matter whether it's taken long, if it was me and I really liked you I would wait as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable.

Catsafterme · 28/09/2023 09:01

Also meant to say, be wary of the fake gentleman act, not many are in fact gentlemen or can keep it up for long.

Think how a man thinks and not how you think. The suggestion of staying over with one on the sofa has a high probability of leading to something more once you are there and have had cocktails etc. Only, it's not taken until you get there for that probability to increase, you've already indicated it, if you see.

A gentleman would invite you over for a meal and a film, cuddles and get you home safely.

Lemondrizzlelele · 28/09/2023 09:24

A gentleman would invite you over for a meal and a film, cuddles and get you home safely.

Actually that's a really good point!

Mapleunicorn · 28/09/2023 09:48

I agree with @Catsafterme that he shouldn’t really be suggesting you staying over. If one party is nervous and wants to go slow (in this case you) then they should be the one to set the pace. If he really values you in his life then he should be completely respectful of that and wait for you to indicate you are comfortable with progressing things

that being said, dating someone for 4 months and not having yet kissed is unusual. I would gently suggest that perhaps you might not be ready for dating yet? Which is understandable coming out of a long relationship recently. Maybe just be friends for a while? Take the pressure off and something might develop further down the line?

WrylyAmused · 28/09/2023 10:05

@ffoxtrotter
You sound very nervous about relationships and intimacy in general.

Putting this particular person on one side for a moment, do you think it might be a good idea to maybe have a few sessions with a sex and relationships therapist to begin to look at where the nervousness and closed-off-ness comes from, so that when you do want to enter into a new relationship, you can do so fully and from a healthy and self-aware place where you won't end up inadvertently sabotaging yourself because of nerves?

COSRT is the professional body for sex and relationship therapy in the UK, so that might be a useful resource if you think that could be helpful.

Ladyj84 · 28/09/2023 10:09

In not being funny but hang onto this one. That's is one good man not even pushing for anything all this time that should tell you something right away. Go have fun, stop worrying and think how lucky you are meeting someone like this 🙂