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Original poster

How many red flags?

32 replies

NoraVaughn · 27/09/2023 22:59

So it's my birthday next week, me and my partner both work long hours and I was so excited that this weekend we would have time for just us and it being my birthday weekend too. I asked him months ago to book it off as he works shift. He agreed but nothing was confirmed. I mentioned my best friend had invited me away if we weren't doing anything, he said no he's made plans for us. Today he's turned around and said he asked for leave yesterday and it's been rejected 😔 I was so disappointed. He said he will have a couple of hours spare this Saturday between sleeping off shift and I should stay at home alone, I've said absolutely not and said this is the last straw. I said I didn't want gifts, I don't want to go anywhere I just wanted him to cook me dinner at home and spend time with him, to which he can't do.
I really love him, but this feels like a tipping point. In 3 years he's cheated on me, drained me financially, lacks any responsibility and unless I ask him for help he pretty much leaves me to do everything.
Would you be frustrated over the birthday or am I looking into this to much, overthinking?

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 27/09/2023 23:07

In 3 years he's cheated on me, drained me financially, lacks any responsibility and unless I ask him for help he pretty much leaves me to do everything.

Treat yourself to a birthday present of therapy and learn how to put some boundaries in. He's walking all over you, why?

Loubelle70 · 27/09/2023 23:25

Why did he leave it too late to ask for leave ? If he was planning he would have done this well before, without you asking him to... tbh i don't think he wanted to spend a lot time with you or cook dinner.He doesn't sound like much of a catch OP...hes manipulative and is trying to bring you down little by little

HerAvatar · 27/09/2023 23:26

In 3 years he's cheated on me, drained me financially, lacks any responsibility and unless I ask him for help he pretty much leaves me to do everything.

I would be frustrated about your birthday yes but it also seems like the least of your problems considering what you've said here. Can you make this your final straw/line in the sand though, he's really not bringing anything positive to your life is he?

thatwassociopathic · 27/09/2023 23:27

Oh my goodness why are you with this waste of space?? He's making your life worse not better!!?? 🚩🚩🚩

olderbutwiser · 27/09/2023 23:28

Another here to say this is so not about your birthday. Echoing @INeedAnotherName - time to move on and have a think about your choice in men.

OnAir · 27/09/2023 23:31

Enough red flags to sail the seven seas ... what the fuck are you doing ? I couldn't get past the he cheated on me bit your birthday is the least of you worries.

Bunda · 27/09/2023 23:31

Sorry OP. If he wanted to, he would.

TheSpikySpinosaurus · 28/09/2023 00:07

INeedAnotherName · 27/09/2023 23:07

In 3 years he's cheated on me, drained me financially, lacks any responsibility and unless I ask him for help he pretty much leaves me to do everything.

Treat yourself to a birthday present of therapy and learn how to put some boundaries in. He's walking all over you, why?

This!

Why would you put up with any one of these things? Seriously?

Dump him. And see your friends on your birthday. And treat yourself to some therapy.

xxchinese · 28/09/2023 00:19

I mean on top of everything else this is just like the cherry on top ask yourself what's your reason for staying with him because you've told us enough reasons to leave him you don't seem happy anyway he'll just ruin your spirit

Anothagoatthis · 28/09/2023 00:23

He has no regard or respect for you. I felt like going on a weekend break early next month so last week I asked the guy I’ve started recently seeing if he wanted to plan something for us. He said yes and a couple of days later he booked the time off work. This is what happens when a guy actually wants to spend time with you.

The fact he was warned so far in advance and it’s a special occasion ie. Your birthday but yet he didn’t try to organise the time off until now shows it was deliberate.

i suspect he also wanted to ruin your birthday because he pulled out when it’s probably too late for you to plan something else with your friend.

He doesn’t think you deserve nice things.
And this is just the cherry on the icing if he’s a financially abusive cheat too.

I think you should raise your standards and seriously consider therapy to get to the root of why you think you don’t deserve better.

Mmhmmn · 28/09/2023 00:24

In 3 years he's cheated on me, drained me financially, lacks any responsibility and unless I ask him for help he pretty much leaves me to do everything.

These are the main reasons for ending it with him. The birthday thing is simply the last straw.

Mmhmmn · 28/09/2023 00:27

It’s a sabotage thing that passive-aggressive manipulative people do.

LifeExperience · 28/09/2023 00:48

"In 3 years he's cheated on me, drained me financially, lacks any responsibility and unless I ask him for help he pretty much leaves me to do everything."

He sounds lovely. Seriously, what's the point of him? Get rid!

CallieQ · 28/09/2023 00:52

n 3 years he's cheated on me, drained me financially, lacks any responsibility and unless I ask him for help he pretty much leaves me to do

Seriously?! Never mind the birthday I would LTB

CheekyHobson · 28/09/2023 02:06

As I was reading through this, I was thinking 'How can you not see this as a red flag' and then I got to this...

In 3 years he's cheated on me, drained me financially, lacks any responsibility and unless I ask him for help he pretty much leaves me to do everything

...and I realised that if you've been willing to overlook all this, then sure, lying about plans for your birthday multiple times and letting you down for the celebration probably seems like small fry.

Honey, your boundaries need so so so much work. If he was an otherwise fabulous partner then maybe you could work through the birthday situation (as long as he apologised, took responsibility and made it up to you) but the guy is an absolute waster and should have been binned off long ago.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 02:18

In 3 years he's cheated on me, drained me financially, lacks any responsibility and unless I ask him for help he pretty much leaves me to do everything.

Your birthday is the least of your problems. In fact, your biggest problem is you. You are choosing to waste your life on a man who clearly has no regard for you.

Iateallthechocolate · 28/09/2023 03:05

I really love him but........all the red flags.
It's OK to leave someone you really love if they are bad for you and bad to you. You need to love yourself and leave.

MsDogLady · 28/09/2023 03:32

He cheats and you stay.
He financially abuses you and you stay.
He shirks all responsibilities and you stay.
Now, he has intentionally sabotaged your birthday.

@NoraVaughn, sticking with this using Loser is a form of self-harm. Please remove him from your life.

Shoxfordian · 28/09/2023 05:11

That’s at least 5 red flags which is 5 too many

Give yourself the best present of a happy single life

determinedtomakethiswork · 28/09/2023 05:21

Obviously you are disappointed about your birthday but he has cheated on you and ripped you off. Those are the real issues. Tell him to get out.

Jillybloop393 · 28/09/2023 05:35

He's not good to you or for you. Cut him out of your life, and find someone that makes you happy and values you. You deserve so much more than this man.

daisychain01 · 28/09/2023 05:52

He doesn't give a shit about your relationship.

simple as.

you've listed his deal breaker behaviours but focus on whether you should be upset about him doing nothing about your birthday, says you've completely missed the point.

Give him the elbow, get shot - otherwise you'll be back on here at Christmas, surprised that he bought you out of date flowers from the petrol station for your Christmas present.

GP78 · 28/09/2023 05:55

The birthday is the least of your problems, I'd get rid of him if I were you!

Newnamehiwhodis · 28/09/2023 05:55

the Birthday thing wouldn’t have been the end for me, but then you listed all the things he’s done, and that’s an oh HELL no.
no. Dump him. It will be a birthday present to be free of this cheating creep.

GreyCarpet · 28/09/2023 07:42

In 3 years he's cheated on me, drained me financially, lacks any responsibility and unless I ask him for help he pretty much leaves me to do everything.

So him cheating on you wasn't a tipping point?

Tbh, if he'd been my boyfriend, he wouldn't have had chance to not book the time off for my birthday excuse I'd have ended it ages ago.