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Original poster

Wwyd- male colleague and his fantasies

33 replies

GotTired · 27/09/2023 22:08

It is a weird one as I keep thinking about and questioning - was my reaction good or unkind etc.
In a nutshell I had a colleague that I worked with for almost 10 yrs.He was an okay guy, i respected him for his intelligence. He had a girlfriend and Im just not interested in him in that way. Since i left and he broke up with his girlfriend he sends me text msg about his dreams where I am basically naked 🤮 i used to laughed it off but got fed up with it last week so I ignored his last text completely. I dont have many friends and I feel sad about it but also quite angry and sick. What would you do?

OP posts:

DatingDinosaur · 27/09/2023 22:19

Sounds like, now he's single, he's seeing if you're up for it. If you're not, keep ignoring him. Or send him a reply saying enough's enough now, you no longer find it funny or flattering. Then see what he does with that information.

(he might not bother getting in touch again or he might apologise and go "back to normal")

harerunner · 28/09/2023 08:23

You say you used to laugh it off? Why would you do that rather than tell the creep to piss off. By laughing it off, and not telling him where to go, you've just been encouraging him!

Mistandmellowfruitfullness · 28/09/2023 08:27

If that's his idea of a chat up line he's very out of practice, and a bit sad! Dating Dinosaur has got it spot on!

AdamRyan · 28/09/2023 08:33

He is harassing you. Do you still work with him?
I would send him a message back saying you don't want to hear about his dreams, if he messages you that sort of thing again it is harassment and you will take action AND THEN STICK TO IT ie report to the police if he sends more of those kind of messages.
if you still work for the same organisation I'd consider reporting to HR

This man is not your friend and is using your good nature to get sexual kicks. He's gross. You don't need this in your life.

Catsafterme · 28/09/2023 08:34

Yeah that's creepy flirting trying to find a way in and if you've laughed it off it will encourage him like PP said. Tell him it's not welcome and if he doesn't stop block him.

Jibo · 28/09/2023 08:39

This guy's not your friend. Block him.

SeptemberSuns · 28/09/2023 08:40

Block him he's no friend. He's a creep who's harassing you. I had a former friend who did this. I just ghosted him completely and he went away.

Whataretheodds · 28/09/2023 08:42

Screenshot. Block. Report to HR.

SeptemberSuns · 28/09/2023 08:44

Why does everyone think you go to HR with every problem in the world, whether related to work or not? OP has left his place of work!

ParisianMonster · 28/09/2023 08:57

Id tell him how he made you feel then block him and in the future invest your time and energy into cultivating friendships with women or pets.

WrylyAmused · 28/09/2023 09:05

Sounds like you don't work with him any more, is that right?

I'd give him one chance with a message like "I don't think of you that way and I really don't want to hear any more about your dreams, thanks. Now, what about [whatever kind of things you normally talk about with him]".

If he gets back on a friendship/platonic chat, great. If he goes quiet, problem solved.
If he argues, is stroppy, or does it again, block and move on.
If it's upset you sufficiently that you no longer want to be friends with him, you're absolutely entitled to your feelings and can go straight to block/ignore regardless.

TotalOverhaul · 28/09/2023 09:08

I would just block him. There is no reason on earth why I'd want to spend a second of my day giving attention to a man who tells me his lecherous dreams.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 28/09/2023 09:11

Text him back "WTF 🤮, weirdo" and then block him. Don't engage any further with him.

I swear I don't know why anyone would think it's ok but it's always blokes doing this shit, isn't it?!

Original poster

GotTired · 28/09/2023 11:59

Thank you for coming back to me with such a clear message. I am disgusted with it all and fed up with most men being creepy.
Re laughing off , it was stupid. I always try to be kind and nice, perhaps to my disadvantage and yes that sounds wrong. How to grow a backbone? How to change this mindset? Any tips please?

OP posts:

Catsafterme · 28/09/2023 12:14

You just need to be okay with not being able to please or be nice at times, you can't avoid it all the time, you have to be firm and stand up for yourself for your own good.

Men don't think or tick the same, for a lot the driving force is sex. That saying it's on your mind every two seconds or whatever, quite accurate.

Maybe a scale, one end nice and genuine guys and at the other end, bastards. The problem is the bastard end can act like the other end but they can't keep it up, it's not natural to them. Whereas a genuine guy would be like it consistently because it is natural.

That's the only way I can describe it as a guy myself on the nice end. Ultimately, set your boundaries and be firm because some will try to bypass, trick you or knock them down to get what they want. Genuines will not and will respect and admire those boundaries.

Sometimes you have to pretend to be a bastard to keep the bastards away.

ParisianMonster · 28/09/2023 12:19

How to grow a back bone?
Get really angry about it. Even the niceness is because we fear men's reaction and repercussions. Get very angry at their entitlement, lack of respect and audacity that he can talk to you like this.
If you say and do what you believe is right, if you look out for yourself like a good friend would, when someone mistreats you you won't take any shit and in time you will have a 'dont even try it' sort of energy about you. You'll still encounter idiots but their impact on you will be miniscule and you will be able to stand up to them.

Trust yourself that you haven't behaved in a way that lets you or your morals down and then you will know where you stand with others, it will be clear when your morals and values in life and for your own conduct are clear, your boundaries will be clear and you will be able to spot and stop the arseholes miles away.

AdamRyan · 28/09/2023 12:21

GotTired · 28/09/2023 11:59

Trust your instincts. If someone gives you creepy vibes or makes you feel uncomfortable, that's enough for you to not be their friend.
Your friendship is a privilege, as you are giving your time and emotional attention to someone. Only give it to people who deserve it.

AdamRyan · 28/09/2023 12:23

And you can be nice and kind to soneone without being friends with them.
If you see this guy around, you can be nice to him without having to be his "friend" and a receptacle for his idiotic relaying if sex dreams.

ParisianMonster · 28/09/2023 12:25

Something like:
-What are my values? How do I treat others? What treatment is ok? what's not ok in my relationships? What will I do if my boundaries are triggered? How would a decent person act? Do the actions of this person align with my values? If they don't, why do I care whether they like me or not if I speak up?
What is the worst thing that could happen if I confront? Am I safe to do so now or later or maybe best to let it go or block?
You need to think what conduct do you set for yourself and what conduct you will accept from others, no you can'tcontrol others but you can disengage completely or minimise contact or confront if it's safe and worthwhile.

Also I think build up yourself esteem, do something that you've always wanted, do something that relies on your personal or cognitive skills so that you get positive feedback and attention to something other than looks.

DatingDinosaur · 28/09/2023 18:17

“How to grow a backbone? How to change this mindset? Any tips please?”

If someone, anyone, says something that makes you feel uncomfortable, speak up, rather than laugh it off. It doesn’t have to be confrontational.

In your situation with this friend and his change of behaviour now he’s single I’d have said in a lighthearted way “Hey, this is me you’re talking to, not one of your OLD’s. Now how was your day?”. If he carried on after that I’d have to be more blunt “Will you stop saying things like that, it’s weird and a bit creepy coming from you”. If he still carried on, I’d ignore and have a serious rethink about the friendship.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 28/09/2023 18:18

Send them to his mum and block him.

Original poster

GotTired · 28/09/2023 20:14

SurprisedWithAHorse · 28/09/2023 18:18

Send them to his mum and block him.

Thats hilarious. He is over 40 also...
yeah i think i will have to loose this friendship. Which is a shame as I dont have any support near and 2 kids in a tow 😂
Plus im not good at making friends, i am do reserved and just socially awkward so it feels like bigger lost.

I think there is more to me than just looks but I probably attract wrong men somehow.
I think you are right i just need to cut someone after they show me different side the only thing is with me being so reserved I will basically be even more isolated (is it bad though? -considering options..)

OP posts:

SurprisedWithAHorse · 28/09/2023 20:29

It's always better to be alone than in bad company.

daisychain01 · 28/09/2023 20:42

urgh that's grim. What an insufferable creep.

Report to HR including his messages.

Original poster

GotTired · 28/09/2023 20:55

We do not work together anymore. Been almost a year. So on that side he is okay however his moral compass is skewed. Im glad its not me overreacting im tired with that sort of nonsense the older I get.

OP posts:

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