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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling Mother In Law

46 replies

laura4444 · 27/09/2023 20:33

Hi all,
Im hoping someone is in the same situation as me as I'm just at a lost cause.
I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our first child. Both my partner and I are 33 years old and living with our own parents.
We will be starting the process of buying out first house ready for when the baby is here.

My MIL is so controlling over my boyfriend. Here are a few bullet points as to what some of them are:

  • She calls him about 6 times a day. 9am every morning if he is with me always waking us up. And if he dosent answer she will call him about 6 times in a row and she goes mental at him tells him he dosent care about her. Or if she forgets to call him so he has to call her.
  • He has to leave my house everytime at 7:30pm without fail when he goes home.
  • Whenever I’m at his house and we want to go out she questions everything we do what time where we are going and what time we will be back.
  • When I’m at his house I have to leave at 7pm no later
  • I am not allowed to park in a certain spots on the main road because it’s outside a her neighbour's houses at his. Surely I can park wherever I want I pay my tax?

There are more but can’t think of them but they are the main ones

Her being like this is giving me anxiety. We are having to constantly lie about everything we do because it's not worth the hassle of her asking us questions.

I've told my partner how controlling his mother is and that he is a grown man he should be able to do whatever he likes.
My partner says he feels like he cannot disrespect his mother.

She said she is giving him 7k towards the house which he wants. She has been saying this for a few months and it feels like to me she is delaying for as long as possible to keep him at home with her. We are still waiting for it.

I feel so sorry for him because of the way she is with him controlling everything he does.

The baby is due on February which is 5 months away from now. Should I put up with it until we get our house? Because she can't be the way she is at the moment when we have a baby to look after

Thanks!! Star

OP posts:
OnlyBoobsandBabies · 27/09/2023 20:45

Oh my god just reading what the MIL does is draining......

It's tricky if the MIL is giving you guys 7k because for first time buyers that's useful to have when buying your first house. When you have your house and she's very kindly given your partner the money. Try to manage her expectations about your new chapter now living together ready for when the baby arrives (by the way congratulations). She must be very dependent on her son so can imagine it would be tough for her to watch him move out etc.

I'm so curious to know why you have to leave at 7pm lol you're in your thirties having a baby together.

Pottomous2 · 27/09/2023 20:48

he is 33 and still having to lie to her - it doesn’t look good for the future .

Original poster
laura4444 · 27/09/2023 20:51

Yes she is 74 years old and does need help around the house. She bosses his 81 year old father around aswell making them do everything for her.
Whenever I'm at his house all she does is shout their names non stop for them to do something for her.
She does all of this controlling while she is lay in her bed as she says she isn't that able to get around the house so easily. Yet she will happily walk to church or go around a car boot for hours. I think it's just laziness
It's becoming unbearable I am trying to avoid going to stay at his parents house but I know I need to make the effort.

OP posts:
Mistressanne · 27/09/2023 20:51

It's a bit late but you need boundaries now.
I wouldn't go to mil's house again until your bf has grown a backbone.
If he leaves yours at 7.30 tell him not to bother coming back.

GrumpyPanda · 27/09/2023 20:56

Don't move in with him as long as he has no boundaries vis-a-vis his mother. This can only end in tears.

Mumof1andacat · 27/09/2023 20:56

Your having a baby with someone who still lives at home and is ordered around by his mum

Onthemaintrunkline · 27/09/2023 20:59

This scenario is almost unbelievable! You are both 33 and allowing or putting up with this nonsense! Your partner sounds a bit wet tbh, together you both really need to set a few boundaries with this controlling woman. I think I’d be telling her ‘no thanks’ to her 7K that’ll enable her to assert even more control.

Mummy08m · 27/09/2023 21:04

I'd go further than any on this thread so far and prepare to be a single mum unless your bf sorts the situation out.

You really, really do not want all this drama and intrusion when you're recovering from giving birth.

Sorry to be crass but I'm baffled how you had the opportunity to conceive in the first place

Frogger8395 · 27/09/2023 21:06

This will end in tears.

GG1986 · 27/09/2023 21:26

That 7k she is giving you will give her the power to demand a key to your new house and your wet wipe boyfriend will give her one! She will most probably let herself in whenever she pleases! He is 33 and has to be home at 7.30pm? WTF!!! You need to set boundaries now, as its going to get so much worse when baby arrives. My MIL let herself into our house and I made my partner get the key back off her straight away.

sunshine7356 · 27/09/2023 21:29

Luckily for me they live 1 hour away and she does not drive so I think she will rarely visit me unless he brings her back to our house. We will be moving by my parents and not his.

It's the constant calling all of the time I am worried about when we live together. I guess he needs to man up to her and set boundaries

TheCatterall · 27/09/2023 21:38

How did you manage to have sex with a man so tied to Mummy’s apron strings? I’m surprised she let him…

Onthemaintrunkline · 27/09/2023 23:25

I suggest that 1 hr away will not stop her! She’ll simply round up her husband and yep….she’ll be arriving and still seeing you heaps. Such control over a 33 year old son is troubling! More troubling is that he has never got it sorted!!

Nocturna · 27/09/2023 23:28

She will be calling incessantly, and Will suddenly have endless jobs that only he can do, he will be driving to hers all the time. You’ll be close to being a single parent.

What does your BF think the dynamic will be when you live together?

Grendell · 28/09/2023 00:09

Don't take the money!! There are no scissors large enough to cut the strings attached to those funds.

Lizzieregina · 28/09/2023 00:14

I don’t think I have any words!!

33 and home by 7.30. Fascinating!

I agree that you don’t want any part of that money, it’ll definitely be used for control.

And your BF needs to grow a pair asap or I wouldn’t be continuing this relationship. I can’t even imagine how much worse this will be when there’s a baby in the mix.

Littlefish · 28/09/2023 00:20

Please don't take the money from her.

It will make her think she has a right to continue her controlling behaviour.

Move as far away as possible!

5 months really isn't very long to find somewhere to live. You really don't want to be moving house at 8 months pregnant.

If your partner isn't prepared to ever stand up to his mum, I would seriously reconsider whether you want to be in a relationship with him.

He needs to show you NOW that he can make his own decisions.

Staying out past 7.30pm would be a sensible place to start.

He is being utterly unreasonable in refusing to challenge his mother.

Honestly, just start running!

Mmhmmn · 28/09/2023 00:33

GrumpyPanda · 27/09/2023 20:56

Don't move in with him as long as he has no boundaries vis-a-vis his mother. This can only end in tears.

THIS. Please realise life will get immeasurably worse the closer you are to to both him and his mum.

If he’s not willing to assertively set boundaries that his mother has to respect, this will make your life an absolute misery. She’ll never let him put you first.

Mmhmmn · 28/09/2023 00:34

Lizzieregina · 28/09/2023 00:14

I don’t think I have any words!!

33 and home by 7.30. Fascinating!

I agree that you don’t want any part of that money, it’ll definitely be used for control.

And your BF needs to grow a pair asap or I wouldn’t be continuing this relationship. I can’t even imagine how much worse this will be when there’s a baby in the mix.

The curfew thing - a deeply fucked up dynamic.

Thepossibility · 28/09/2023 01:05

It would be a mistake to take that money from her.
She will think she is allowed an equal say as to what goes on with the house and probably expect a key.
Maybe even move in when FIL passes away.
No way that is worth 7k.

Greenshake · 28/09/2023 01:11

I am struggling to believe this to be honest

Aquamarine1029 · 28/09/2023 01:13

You don't have a controlling mother-in-law problem. You have a weak, useless partner problem. Your partner is controlled my his mother because he allows it, and given he's 33 fucking years old, this dynamic is never changing. He cares more about placating his batshit mother than he does supporting you.

Marrying him and buying a house with him will be the two biggest mistakes of your life.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 28/09/2023 01:29

This isn’t going to change when you move out. You need to think about what life will be like for possibly the next 20 years. When his dad goes it will get worse. Give the baby your last name not his, I think you should take your time buying a house with him.

AnotherCountryMummy · 28/09/2023 09:12

This has to be made up. A 33 year old with a 7.30pm curfew. I am actually mind blown.

Colourfulponderings · 28/09/2023 09:16

Can you afford to buy the house without her money, because even if it meant a smaller house, I’d do that to not have the hold over you both.

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