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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Controlling Mother In Law

46 replies

laura4444 · 27/09/2023 20:33

Hi all,
Im hoping someone is in the same situation as me as I'm just at a lost cause.
I'm 20 weeks pregnant with our first child. Both my partner and I are 33 years old and living with our own parents.
We will be starting the process of buying out first house ready for when the baby is here.

My MIL is so controlling over my boyfriend. Here are a few bullet points as to what some of them are:

She calls him about 6 times a day. 9am every morning if he is with me always waking us up. And if he dosent answer she will call him about 6 times in a row and she goes mental at him tells him he dosent care about her. Or if she forgets to call him so he has to call her.
He has to leave my house everytime at 7:30pm without fail when he goes home.
Whenever I’m at his house and we want to go out she questions everything we do what time where we are going and what time we will be back.
When I’m at his house I have to leave at 7pm no later
I am not allowed to park in a certain spots on the main road because it’s outside a her neighbour's houses at his. Surely I can park wherever I want I pay my tax?

There are more but can’t think of them but they are the main ones

Her being like this is giving me anxiety. We are having to constantly lie about everything we do because it's not worth the hassle of her asking us questions.

I've told my partner how controlling his mother is and that he is a grown man he should be able to do whatever he likes.
My partner says he feels like he cannot disrespect his mother.

She said she is giving him 7k towards the house which he wants. She has been saying this for a few months and it feels like to me she is delaying for as long as possible to keep him at home with her. We are still waiting for it.

I feel so sorry for him because of the way she is with him controlling everything he does.

The baby is due on February which is 5 months away from now. Should I put up with it until we get our house? Because she can't be the way she is at the moment when we have a baby to look after

Thanks!!

OP posts:

TheDogthatDug · 28/09/2023 09:28

How did you find a 33 year old with a 7.30 curfew in any way attractive?

WrylyAmused · 28/09/2023 09:29

Time for a very frank conversation with BF about what he thinks appropriate boundaries are.

Point out that he's an adult, and that her requiring some of these ridiculous things is actually her being disrespectful to him.

If you can get him to agree reasonable boundaries and start putting them in place, great.

If he doesn't want to do anything to possibly upset his mother, then you need to make a decision, because he'll be telling you that you (& the baby) will never come first to him.

And you need to decide if you can live with that and how you'll handle things with a partner who puts mum first and won't have your back if she disagrees, and whether that's what you want - decide that before you buy the house!

Personally, I'd go for renting for a bit first, to see how it is when he doesn't live with her, before you get tied in to a house purchase and mortgage with him, which is much harder to untangle.

sunshine7356 · 28/09/2023 09:40

Colourfulponderings · 28/09/2023 09:16

Can you afford to buy the house without her money, because even if it meant a smaller house, I’d do that to not have the hold over you both.

Yes I have told him a thousand times I don't even want her money anymore and we should just buy a house at a lower budget. He said it will be so helpful for us towards buying things inside

sunshine7356 · 28/09/2023 12:16

TheCatterall · 27/09/2023 21:38

How did you manage to have sex with a man so tied to Mummy’s apron strings? I’m surprised she let him…

Haha yes I am surprised myself how a phone call from her didn't interrupt us

Edinvillian · 28/09/2023 12:25

My ten year old has more freedom than your partner. I'd be prepared to bring this baby up on your own, this man child is no way ready to be a parent.

Whatifitallgoesright · 28/09/2023 12:53

He needs to start staying at yours and disobeying the 7.30 curfew. See how that goes for a few times and see how quick she is to retract her £7k offer.

If he cannot actually disobey her, using all excuses like she'll say she needs him and he doesn't want to hurt her etc etc then know that this will not change when you have the baby.

She is in competition with you. He is letting her win. If he obeys more than 3 7.30 summons home you might have to finish with him. Do it quickly and he may turn it around in the four months before the birth.

Spell it out clearly to him that you and the baby are his priority family and he will have to make a choice and deal with the guilty feelings of letting her down.

perfectcolourfound · 28/09/2023 15:36

Seriously, I wouln't stay with a man who at 33 puts up with, and abides by, his mother's demands. She can demand all she likes, but he could just tell her he's 33 and will come home at what time he likes.

If he won't tell her now, he most likely won't tell her ever. And you might move away (are you sure of that, or will your bf start suggesting moving closer to her?) but what's top stop her moving near to you, or (most likely) saying she's visiting every weekend (unless your bf visits her) and will stay over because it's a long drive?

Sloth66 · 28/09/2023 16:12

If this post isn’t a joke, I’m sorry to say I’d be preparing to be a single parent. The situation is already intolerable, having a baby will make it 10x worse. He will choose his mother.

Azandme · 28/09/2023 16:21

What on EARTH were you thinking?

He's a Grade A Mummy's Boy. She can only behave like this because he chooses to allow it.

ReadySalty · 28/09/2023 17:34

My mil is bad, but this is another level.

Take it from me - unless your partner is willing to set and able to maintain boundaries, it will never work.

Mmhmmn · 28/09/2023 19:15

"Yes I have told him a thousand times I don't even want her money anymore and we should just buy a house at a lower budget. He said it will be so helpful for us towards buying things inside"

She's got him wound round her little finger

somewherbetweenHoneyandTrunchbull · 28/09/2023 19:21

Suddenly, I think my MIL isn't too bad. No real advice to give except good luck! It sounds like you will need it.

Ikilledsyriusblack · 28/09/2023 19:21

perfectcolourfound · 28/09/2023 15:36

Exactly this. To buy a house before boundaries are set will be a disaster. You won’t have more control; you’ll have substantially less.

Mmhmmn · 28/09/2023 19:22

You need to have some serious words with him about reversing the dynamic and telling his mother no. Tell him it's a mental muscle you have to exercise and the more you use it (the "no"), the easier it is.

It's important you make plans to protect your own finances to allow you room to manoeuvre out of the relationship should you need to go your own way.

I say that because MILs exerting less control than she is used to getting away with are a living nightmare. It will be like a full time job trying to protect your boundaries from her demands.

Blough · 28/09/2023 19:27

Why did you name change, OP? Now your replies aren’t highlighted.

sunshine7356 · 28/09/2023 19:36

Blough · 28/09/2023 19:27

Why did you name change, OP? Now your replies aren’t highlighted.

I diddnt realise my name was on there, I am new on here

gotmychristmasmiracle · 28/09/2023 19:45

A lot of red flags, I suggest buying a house far far away from the MIL, even another country ..... do not accept £7k either.... in fact I would even consider being a single mum. She will never change! Good luck!

Blough · 28/09/2023 21:25

The OP (original post) was under laura4444, if you hadn’t name changed, your replies would still be under that name, be colour coded, and people can click ‘view all’ rather than read the whole thread. No big deal, just looks like you haven’t replied, at a glance.

Coffeebutter · 28/09/2023 22:00

NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOUR.
and you are both 33!

he needs to cut the apron strings and you need to set some boundaries !
if she’s hard work now, imagine when the baby comes.
HE needs to tell his mum to stop calling and imposing limits on your life.

Is tbis a cultural thing ? Where are you from ? Only asking because it’s sounds very out of the norm .

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/09/2023 10:15

Do you desperately need that 7k to get the house? I would try to avoid relying on it if at all possible see if you can negotiate a couple if thousand off or sell a car or anything to avoid being in her debt.

Well, this lady has set a precedent that visitors need to come and go at certain times. That's great- you can say to her - would you like to visit between 5-6pm that's what works for us and baby. She cannot complain now!

You also need to make it clear to your partner that you won't be woken up with her phone calls any more. He can choose to keep his phone on silent and quietly get out of bed to call her early morning or set a boundary with her that he won't answer calls before eg 10am. You're pregnant and you need your rest that's very reasonable. It's very manipulative to basically be saying 'you have to do what I want when I want it or you don't care about me' if the mil was a girlfriend I'd say she was emotionally abusive

Newestname002 · 29/09/2023 10:46

@laura4444 @sunshine7356

I'd also advise not taking the money. For a relatively small sum (depending on the cost of the new home) she'd be buying herself further into your lives, tying her son to her more closely and, because if this financial "gift" he'd feel more guilt in saying no to her - not that he's putting any boundaries in now.

How feasible is it for you to stay living at your own parents even after the baby's born so you are less controlled by your MIL to be? 🌹

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