Insecure partner

[TiredMum97]

Good evening guys,

Just looking for some helpful advice as I'm starting to get to my wits end.

Recently my partner has become overbearingly insecure/jealous - when I've never done anything to deserve it.

I recently lost a lot of weight and got back down to a healthy size and my pre baby weight. I'm unsure if this is connected to why he's become so uptight and insecure, he's always making comments on me getting males attention (even though I really don't) when I went out the other weekend with friends he made comments saying "enjoy getting lads attention with your slinky little dress on" and now he's creating a fuss over the fact I have to travel away to a training course with work, and along with me is my male colleague. I have no choice in the matter, as it's my job, but he's acting as if I'm going on a romantic night away with him. We are in separate rooms (obviously) and we are meeting a whole bunch of other colleagues at the training course!

I wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot obviously, but I trust him. And it wouldn't even cross my mind. But he is making it apparent it'll cause issues if I go. But I really don't have a choice but to go.

Anyway, I'm just hoping someone can maybe give me advice or help me understand what could cause his behaviour to be such a way when I've done nothing wrong? Every time I try to discuss it with him he becomes defensive and it turns into a pointless argument. And it's starting to push me away!

Thank you for reading

What wouldn't you like if the shoe was on the other foot? Him going on a work trip with colleagues? It's ridiculous and childish and yes probably because you've lost weight and makes him feel inferior but that's his problem

@fuckssaaaaake I was just meaning I can understand to a certain degree it's not the best of situations. But absolutely it's just for work reasons so there really shouldn't be any issues.

I just can't understand his behaviour at all.

I'm so sorry he's making you feel so shit when you should be feeling fab after getting back to pre baby weight. You're going to need a proper sit down chat with him and if it doesn't change, leave. It sounds dramatic but if he doesn't change this will get a lot worse and you deserve better

It is very common for men to assume if their wives lose weight it MUST be to get sex. It's dumb, but it's fueled by the internet and the manosphere and all the assertions that women only open their eyes in the morning so they can "lure" men into sex. It can also happen if you get a new haircut or change your makeup.

The only solution is to talk about it. He needs to stop assuming that you lost weight so you could cheat. That is deeply reductive and insulting. Your outward appearance changed, not your personality or your character, and what he is implying is rude. Ask him how he would feel if you treated him that way.

It's just crazy! But it's hugely unfair and will only push me away. My partner lost a lot of weight after covid and he'd always been insecure previously about being a little overweight, and I always encouraged him for it and was proud! But when it's me it means I'm trying to grab men's attention.

Wouldn't be engaged to the man if I didn't want to be with him and wanted other males attention 🙄

Il try talking to him again about it and hopefully drill some sense into the idiot. 😂

He’s being a controlling dickhead and I’d come down on this really hard, but that’s because I’ve been through it before. His jealousy is his to get therapy for, not yours to pander to. I don’t think it’s just jealousy though, I think it’s very much about control, he’ll want another baby ASAP.

This happened to me. I stupidly complied with his controlling "insecurities" and a few years later found myself isolated from friends and family due to his emotions abuse - that's what it is at the end of the day.

Don't be like me.
Have a serious talk with him. If he cannot trust you, then that is his problem, not yours. It is bang out of order for him to be making those remarks. In my experience they were made to make me feel guilty and to stop me dressing in what I liked/going out without him.

As in your case, I gave him no reason not to trust me, and quiet the opposite, he was already a proven cheater as t the start of our relationship.
I suspect his own trust issues came from his own lack of respect for others trust. Which manifested as emotional abuse.

Nope. You're not going to get him to see sense. Sorry. I've also been there, done that.

Insecurity (and some jealousy) can be fixed with therapy, but like a pp said, it's a him problem. Only he can sort it out and if I were you I would not stick around.

If he refuses to see it as his problem, then your life will only get worse. Not better.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I did always wonder if he's been unfaithful to me and this is also a reason for his attitude and jealousy towards me.

He's carrying on the argument today about me travelling away for work with my male colleague, as I have to go again in November as well as October.

"And if that’s the case I’d rather you actually said something. Because I won’t be having you going away with a lad on two nights. You clearly don’t, all you tried to do was make out I didn’t trust and you that I was a freak, I don’t know any lad that would like it. So don’t turn it on me for being pissed off that your work is sending you away on probably two occasions driving down there with some random bloke across the country. Let’s just hope it’s a one time thing or it’s definitely going to cause more problems than it already has" his last text.
🙄

That text is just awful.

'I don't know any lad that would like it' - he surrounds himself with men who would cheat, so 'know what men like them are like'

The idea of having a professional relationship with someone of the opposite sex is ludicrous to him

He clearly thinks cheating is something that 'just happens' without either party having the ability to say, 'no thanks, I'm in a relationship'

He doesn't trust you, and this behaviour is normally a reflection or projection of their own likely behaviours if they were in that situation.

'I won't be having you going away' is the worst part of all. It's controlling, he doesn't own you or decide what you do or where work sends you. Just imagine if you went to your boss and said, 'sorry, I can't go, my partner says he's not having it' and show them the text? Any decent workplace would be directing you to Women's Aid.

Coercive control is illegal. And you have the evidence there in black and white.

I'd be very tempted just ask him: 'And what exactly are you going to be doing while I am away doing this training course? Who will you be going out with of an evening'

It's just draining me completely. But it is just insane when it's for bloody work. I've told him he's just making matters worse as all this is just pushing me away from him.

Yea that reaction to it I'd be telling him it's over.
For me a relationship is built on mutual trust. He clearly doesn't trust you from what you have posted.

I've promised myself never to get into the situation I was in before. New partners are told from the start that if they don't trust me then that's the end of the road, they will get one warning from me if they go down that "my insecurity is your fault" route. After that then I lose respect for them and I'll finish it.

Thankfully my new guy totally understands that I can have friends and colleagues I don't want to jump into bed with at the first chance 😆 He actually encourages me to make new friends because he knows my previous situation left me devoid of friends.
He knows he can talk to me if he feels insecure, but not blame me for his feelings.

Good luck OP! I hope you can sort it out, but don't feel guilty.

I’d go MAD about this text. It’s for work you fool it’s not a jolly.

How old is your baby? Is he trying to get out being in charge over night? Still crap, mind.

You know the saying the accuser is usually up to something themselves lol. Anyhow don't back down or it will become a thing and well done for losing weight I'm also on that journey after having twins luckily my hubby isn't like this

My kids are 3.5 years and 2.5 years so it's nothing to do with them, he doesn't often go out but when he does he never comes home until 530am after he promises he'll be back at a normal time but im past caring about what he does because I actually trust him.

But this just makes me bloody wonder what he actually gets up to as they say "guilty conscience"

I believe that sometimes people judge others by what they would do in that situation. They project their own motivations onto your behaviour.

He comes home after he says he will - why does he think that is acceptable but you cannot attend a work event? Don’t let the little things go - if he lies to you about the time he’ll be home (why?) find out why he thinks it’s acceptable.

Don’t avoid the arguments if you do he will demand more and more while you demand less and less for a quiet life.

You don’t have an insecure partner. You have a controlling partner. In what other ways is he controlling?

Yes, when I see the words insecure partner I know it really means controlling bastard.

Await the suggestion of more dc op.
He prefers you pregnant /post baby weight. And at home. What a pig..

I definitely don't want anymore kids - especially anytime soon! Finally feel comfortable in my own body again and getting back to a more easy going life with my two beautiful children.

I'd of never seen this as controlling behaviour until it's been pointed out and it does seem that way.. the thing is, he doesn't ever stop me from going out but when I do I get text after text, this was the last time I went out:

"Just disappeared from signal after 3 messages delivered 😂 bollocks. Good night, have fun with whoever your with won’t you " I was in a pub with no signal.

"Skimpy dress you had on lads will have been all fucking over you guaranteed."

I then found out that he went on my old phone that night and blocked a load of random old friends (who were male) off of my instagram. Even though they hadn't spoken to me!

I really need to give my head a shake don't I. Jeez.

If it helps you feel any better in yourself, it took years for me to realise my ex's behavior like that was controlling and abusive. He too never outright banned me or said no to me doing things. But the guilt tripping, moods and accusations afterwards eventually stopped me going places and doing things I enjoyed.

It took me months of weekly therapy to come to terms with it and forgive myself for being so stupid to let that situation happen and escalate to the level it did.

Stay strong in yourself, you do not control his feelings, that's his problem.

To add:
He doesn't currently stop you going out...
But all the texts, verbal abuse (because it is) and general hassle he's giving you is designed to make you think "oh, it's too much hassle to go out when he's like this every time, I'll stay at home for a quiet life" - and then he gets what he wanted in you staying home, or modifying what you wear to meet his standards of what's acceptable for you to wear in public, plus deniability "but I never said you couldn't go out/couldn't wear that...."
This is a very standard abuser move.

By sending text after text he's also trying to ensure that he's top of your mind constantly and you can't relax and enjoy your time out without him.

Agree with the people saying he's projecting his behaviours & thoughts, so is probably not trustworthy in those respects himself.

It may be (just(!)) an unhealthy repetition of a pattern he saw/picked up from childhood, so it might be something he could work with and move away from if he was willing (probably with professional help).
But if he's not willing, or feels entitled to these opinions and levels of control, then you likely have some hard thinking to do about your future.

Depending on whether you have any fears that it might escalate to physical violence, if you feel safe to:
As a start, I would be changing the settings on all my messaging apps to remove the "read" notifications, last online etc etc. I would be removing any location settings that might mean he could track where I was.

I would tell him about the messaging changes (not the location ones, as he shouldn't be tracking this anyway!), and making it clear that his insecurity and jealousy is his own problem that he needs to manage and possibly get help for - relationships are built on trust, he has no reason not to trust you, and you're not willing to enable his unreasonable behaviour.
I'd also tell him that I wouldn't be responding to passive-aggressive or just plain aggressive messages while I'm out, and that this is part of trust.

i would also change all the pass codes etc to my phone/apps/laptop etc, so that he can't access your things and make changes. And I would tell him that it's completely unacceptable for him to be accessing your devices and he's not to do it in future.

His responses to all of the above would help me determine whether I thought there was any chance of a future in the relationship.

@TiredMum97

I'd of never seen this as controlling behaviour until it's been pointed out and it does seem that way.. the thing is, he doesn't ever stop me from going out but when I do I get text after text,

What a nasty, abusive creature you have there, OP. He's just ramping up the controlling behaviour really isn't he - as others have said, this will get worse not better and you'll be physically and mentally exhausted with it. Do ensure he can't stop you going to your course, etc (eg your house or car keys going missing, your credit cards "mislaid", mistakenly locking the door so you can't get out...). Don't dismiss these possibilities out of hand.

Thank goodness it sounds like you have a good job - don't be persuaded to pull back on it for a quiet life. Instead, even just for knowing your financial future, do an audit of your finances (salary, savings and any benefits you might be entitled to) so you can see how you would cope outside this relationship. Take care he doesn't clean out your bank accounts - that may well be a step he'll consider to control your future- I've read on here so often that the male just leaves the wife/partner with no money. Keep your cards close to your chest and stay safe. 🌹

He may well not directly stop you going out with friends or going away with work but he's making it so uncomfortable to do so. This is a typical abusers tactic, make it so uncomfortable to do something he doesn't want you to do, that's is way less hassle to just 'not go'. So it looks like it's your decision, when it's actually not.

Blocking people on your social media is step 2 in the abusers handbook

He'll be checking your phone soon, commenting on the way you dress, making it difficult to talk to friends and family which will alienate you from them, checking the mileage on the car to see if you've detoured on the way home