Insecure partner

[TiredMum97]

Good evening guys,

Just looking for some helpful advice as I'm starting to get to my wits end.

Recently my partner has become overbearingly insecure/jealous - when I've never done anything to deserve it.

I recently lost a lot of weight and got back down to a healthy size and my pre baby weight. I'm unsure if this is connected to why he's become so uptight and insecure, he's always making comments on me getting males attention (even though I really don't) when I went out the other weekend with friends he made comments saying "enjoy getting lads attention with your slinky little dress on" and now he's creating a fuss over the fact I have to travel away to a training course with work, and along with me is my male colleague. I have no choice in the matter, as it's my job, but he's acting as if I'm going on a romantic night away with him. We are in separate rooms (obviously) and we are meeting a whole bunch of other colleagues at the training course!

I wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot obviously, but I trust him. And it wouldn't even cross my mind. But he is making it apparent it'll cause issues if I go. But I really don't have a choice but to go.

Anyway, I'm just hoping someone can maybe give me advice or help me understand what could cause his behaviour to be such a way when I've done nothing wrong? Every time I try to discuss it with him he becomes defensive and it turns into a pointless argument. And it's starting to push me away!

Thank you for reading

@TiredMum97 "I was just meaning I can understand to a certain degree it's not the best of situations."

What-a woman going on a work trip? Seriously?

Yet another one whos been there!!

Was never told dont go, but used to get that much grief before and after that I decided not to do social activities just to avoid the arguments. He was controlling and an arse hole and I only see it now.

Please dont be me. You become isolated, lose confidence in yourself and a shell of a person. It took years for me to build myself back up and even now still regress. Find yourself a healthy supportive relationship

I have reached an age where I think "fuck that shit-dump him." But I am aware that might not be helpful.

And he thinks it's ok for him to have occasional nights out which last until 5.30 am?....I'm guessing that you aren't bombarding him with aggressive text messages during his night out?

Evil thinker, evil doer!
Him not you

No I don't bother texting him once I realise he isn't coming home!

You're in an abusive relationship. He's also probably cheating on you I'm afraid.

He’s abusive, jealous and controlling

He is controlling. It's abusive.

Think what he's telling you - that you can't be trusted. That you go out looking for sex. That you'd be happy to cheat. It's digusting that he has such a low opinion of you.

And then there's his ridicolou double standards. If you go out, you're looking for attention from other men and he keeps contacting you and having digs. If he goes out, he can stay out many hours past the time he said he'd be back, but you just have to put up with it.

Have you asked him to explain his double standards?

Finally, it is definitely NOT understandable that he's aggrieved you're on a professional trip with a male colleague. The only people who would be bothered by that are people who don't trust their other half. There's a decent chance that he has cheated / flirts with other women, as he seems to think that's what people do when they go out.

Of course he's trying to stop you going out - that's what all the texts and abuse are about. The idea is that next time, you'll think twice about it. And if you DO go, you can't enjoy it because he'll be hounding you.

I also doubt this has come out of nowhere, I'd put money on him being controlling have been present for a while, but possibly you just didn't notice it. Eg you had small children so perhaps you genuinely didn't go out that often. Or if you weren't feeling good about yourself, when you did go to meet up with friends it was quite downplayed.

His insecurities are HIS problem, not yours. Never allow someone else to try to change your behaviour to make them feel better.

I bet also that whether now or in the past, when he's put this sort of shit on you, you've spent lots of time reassuring him or doing things to make him feel better. But the reason it's all ramping up a bit now is you're doing that less. I have noticed that there's often behaviour that a woman puts up with for al long time as it feels like "maybe he has a point" until one day, it's just so blatantly ridiculous - a work trip, with multiple colleagues, including one who happens to be a man - and it's like the scales drop from your eyes.

Thank you everyone for your comments. It really has just taken me this ridiculous spout from him about me going to a work meeting away to realise his behaviour isn't normal.

I told him I feel his reaction to me going away makes me think he has been unfaithful in the past to feel such a way, and his response was "😂😂😂 here we go, nah I just don’t want my fiancé going and staying over night hotels with random blokes and travelling ybe country with them. But you just keep turning it on me, after all how could I be right?"

Travelling the country and staying in a hotel with random blokes made me chuckle. I'm going 2 and a half hours away and staying in a separate room (why on earth would my work make me share a room with a colleague anyway)

Anyway, when I finish work today il be having it out with him and if he can't accept what I have to say then it's goodbye!

@TiredMum97

Anyway, when I finish work today il be having it out with him and if he can't accept what I have to say then it's goodbye!

Hope that conversation goes well. Take care. 🌹

In your talk, out of interest, I'd ask him what it is he thinks YOU can do to make HIM feel more insecure... it could be fascinating to see how completely batshit his thinking is.

Glad you are seeing his actions and words for what they are @TiredMum97 !
I hope your talk tonight goes well, take care of yourself !

I hope it goes well. You need to lay it down once and for all: either he stops it with the comments, the jealousy, the phonecalls when you're out and he learns to trust you, or it's over.

I'm not holding out much hope though, he sounds like a massive twat.

Your husband is a type, isn't he? Very traditional attitudes, sees men and women in sexist stereotypes, boss in his own home, does what he wants, but no wife of his is going to...whatever.
Unlike other posters I think this sudden flurry of insecurity will dissipate when he gets used to your new appearance and realises you're not going to run off with another man just because you're slim, and you won't get such a hard time from him.
However, that won't change the fact that you're married to a sexist man who thinks his word should be law, who has no respect for you as a professional woman, seeing your work course only as an opportunity to cheat, and who views you as a passive possession he needs to safeguard from other men. These things come from deep rooted toxic attitudes towards women, and they don't change.