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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm doing the right thing, right?

51 replies

FreshStartAgain23 · 27/09/2023 18:48

This will be long, but I don't want to drip feed. I've just ended my relationship. It's been just shy of 2 years, but a lot has happened and I've reached breaking point. I'm 28(f) he is 32(m), both have a child each from previous relationships, my DD(3) and his DD(10). Lived together the last year with his DD with us every weekend. We've done holidays, days out, lots of nice things etc and obviously I love him. However..

  • 2 days after we got together, he slept with another woman. She told me, he admitted it. I tried to move past it but I suppose never fully did.
  • he's stolen money from me/us, twice. One lot was Christmas gift money from my family, about £100 so nothing big, which he then took to NY with him on holiday. Didn't ask, didn't tell. I found out as it went missing from where we kept it and I asked him. Second time was birthday money to me, from his dad. It went into his account, he spent it.
  • he snoops through my phone. Never once found anything, but says he doesn't trust other men and that 'he's never had a partner who gets male attention' before (were talking likes on social media pics etc, nothing crazy and I only post face pics so nothing raunchy).
  • he doesn't help around the house. He works shorter days and is usually home by 2pm, I get home with DD at 5:30. He says he doesn't want to finish work and do housework. Nor do I, but if I don't do it, who will?
  • he is massively irresponsible with money. Has a hell of a lot of debt that he didn't disclose until very recently as he was in dire straits with it and had to let me know what was going on. Would take money for me to pay his personal bills/fuel etc but would then spent hundreds on clothes/things he 'wanted'.
  • for the last few weeks he's said his head is in a mess and he doesn't know 'what he wants' so has moved back to his DF's house 50 mins away. Talks to me as and when suits, comes over when he wants, is happy for me to take us out/make the effort etc. I've made myself available and he knows this, and is now taking advantage.

There's so much more, but that's the summary. So I've ended it. I told him yesterday on the phone, as he said 'you clearly want this more than I do' so I calmly replied 'let's just leave it then' and ended the call. I haven't heard from him since.

I know this is the right thing to do, but it's so hard isn't it. All the memories, the 'what could have been's' etc. We'd planned a future and now it's gone. I've sacrificed and put so much effort into this and that's what makes me unsure and doubt myself. But he won't change. I know he won't.

I'm happy I'm still young and have plenty of time to find someone and be happy, and I'm glad it's only 2 years not 20 I've wasted, but I'm constantly having wobbles. He only left 2 weeks ago but the contact hasn't made it feel real until I've told him it's done now so it's still very fresh.

I've done the right thing, right?

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 27/09/2023 19:00

Yes you did the right thing he's a a wrongun. He's a liar, cheater, thief, controlling and jealous. Funny thing these, accuse you of things when they have done it themselves.

As for the good times, that's all you can think of them as, good times and nothing more. Can't roll the clock back so, not worth dwelling on. I've had the same mental battle after over a decade of marriage, good times with my wife but it wasn't good for the majority. Feels like a lie, a waste but those times were good at the time...

But no, you did the right thing he would have dragged you down or got worse. You can do better than that, a good guy wouldn't treat you that way and there will be one.

oreorookie · 27/09/2023 19:07

Absolutely done the right thing, both for yourself and your child.

Understandable to have a wobble, it's normal to focus on the good times rather than the bad when a relationship has ended.

Try and focus on the future, and what you do want.
Also re-read your post if you're tempted to reach out to him.

Original poster
FreshStartAgain23 · 27/09/2023 19:18

Thanks both. Even typing that made me realise what an absolute mug he's had me for, but I just didn't see it until very recently.

Conveniently, he's text me this evening after radio silence for 24hrs. The text reads

'That it then?'

Confused
OP posts:
Alicenwonderland · 27/09/2023 19:21

You've 1000% done the right thing. Xx

JerkintheMerkin · 27/09/2023 19:47

Stay the course. He's literally dressed in red flags. Instead of remembering the good times, remember the disrespect because from what you've written that's all he seems to do to you. Put him in the bin, block on EVERYTHING and raise your bar and have stronger boundaries. No doubt he'll try and worm his way back with the old "I'll change yada yada" but that will never ever happen. He's showed you his hand so to speak and it's a duff one. You can do so much better.

Lookingforasilverlining · 27/09/2023 19:50

Anyone of those bullet points would have everyone on mn telling you to leave. He is truly awful.

LuluBlakey1 · 27/09/2023 19:53

You have absolutely done the right thing. Never look back. Never have contact with him again. You will find a much better life with someone you deserve. He sounds awful- cheating, stealing, disrespectful, liar.

MariaLuna · 27/09/2023 19:58

He STOLE from you??!

That would be me done as soon as I'd discovered that.

Who else is he stealing from that you don't know about?

Great role model for his child - NOT!
Sorry for you OP. What a shit.

Dacadactyl · 27/09/2023 19:59

Yes you've done the right thing.

frazzled101 · 27/09/2023 19:59

You have absolutely done the right thing.

Move on with your daughter and be thankful you haven't wasted another day with him.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 27/09/2023 20:08

Sorry, but he was using you. You deserve better.

Fuck him.

Symphony830 · 27/09/2023 20:12

Not much to add other than YES. You have done the right thing!

These type always come back via text. I’d just maintain the radio silence… they never have anything new to say and he has behaved terribly towards you.

GrumpyPanda · 27/09/2023 20:13

Well done getting rid of him. Out of curiosity, did he ever repay the money he stole from you? Or even admit it?

Blanca87 · 27/09/2023 20:13

Think of your child and the example you are giving. You both deserve better.

Alargeoneplease89 · 27/09/2023 20:15

Absolutely done the right thing.

WhoWhereHow · 27/09/2023 20:18

Oh OP, you've definitely done the right thing! He sounds awful.

No matter how good the good times were, there's no way you can trust someone who steals from you and can't be arsed to participate in your relationship. The bad 100% outweighs the good here.

Block him on everything and stay strong!

PollyPeeves · 27/09/2023 20:19

Yes!!!! Absolutely done the right thing. And I wouldn't even respond to that last message!

Olika · 27/09/2023 20:20

Definitely done the right thing. Stay strong.

INeedAnotherName · 27/09/2023 20:24

He's a liar, a cheat and a thief.
He's lazy, selfish and controlling.
He's in debt.

So...what makes him such a catch?

Of course you did the right thing Flowers

Original poster
FreshStartAgain23 · 27/09/2023 20:25

Thanks everyone. There's so much more, so much, but what I've written sums up the worst of it for me.

Luckily with my DD being so small, and is tactfully keeping everything out of her eyesight, she's very naive to it all. I believe his DD is too, albeit older, but we managed to play happy families even when that was far from the truth.

My DD will miss him dearly but seems to have accepted my explanation that he has had to go back and live with his 'daddy' to help out. She did ask when she would see him tonight and I just said he was very busy so she may not see him again for a long time and she moved swiftly on. Maybe she can sense he's a POS too Grin

OP posts:
SpringleDingle · 27/09/2023 20:29

Definitely the right thing!!

Sexnotgender · 27/09/2023 20:34

He’s awful. Really awful.

Model good healthy relationships for your child.

Noicant · 27/09/2023 20:38

You know what, good for you, you could have let him waste more of your time and you didn’t. You have a long life of not dealing with his shit ahead of you. Enjoy!

80s · 27/09/2023 20:48

He stole from you? Have you changed the locks? He might have made a copy of the key.

ISeeARedDoorAndIWantToBreakIn · 27/09/2023 20:48

@FreshStartAgain23
Conveniently, he's text me this evening after radio silence for 24hrs. The text reads

'That it then?'

The correct response - if you can be bothered to reply at all - is “who dis?” 😂