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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm doing the right thing, right?

51 replies

FreshStartAgain23 · 27/09/2023 18:48

This will be long, but I don't want to drip feed. I've just ended my relationship. It's been just shy of 2 years, but a lot has happened and I've reached breaking point. I'm 28(f) he is 32(m), both have a child each from previous relationships, my DD(3) and his DD(10). Lived together the last year with his DD with us every weekend. We've done holidays, days out, lots of nice things etc and obviously I love him. However..

  • 2 days after we got together, he slept with another woman. She told me, he admitted it. I tried to move past it but I suppose never fully did.
  • he's stolen money from me/us, twice. One lot was Christmas gift money from my family, about £100 so nothing big, which he then took to NY with him on holiday. Didn't ask, didn't tell. I found out as it went missing from where we kept it and I asked him. Second time was birthday money to me, from his dad. It went into his account, he spent it.
  • he snoops through my phone. Never once found anything, but says he doesn't trust other men and that 'he's never had a partner who gets male attention' before (were talking likes on social media pics etc, nothing crazy and I only post face pics so nothing raunchy).
  • he doesn't help around the house. He works shorter days and is usually home by 2pm, I get home with DD at 5:30. He says he doesn't want to finish work and do housework. Nor do I, but if I don't do it, who will?
  • he is massively irresponsible with money. Has a hell of a lot of debt that he didn't disclose until very recently as he was in dire straits with it and had to let me know what was going on. Would take money for me to pay his personal bills/fuel etc but would then spent hundreds on clothes/things he 'wanted'.
  • for the last few weeks he's said his head is in a mess and he doesn't know 'what he wants' so has moved back to his DF's house 50 mins away. Talks to me as and when suits, comes over when he wants, is happy for me to take us out/make the effort etc. I've made myself available and he knows this, and is now taking advantage.

There's so much more, but that's the summary. So I've ended it. I told him yesterday on the phone, as he said 'you clearly want this more than I do' so I calmly replied 'let's just leave it then' and ended the call. I haven't heard from him since.

I know this is the right thing to do, but it's so hard isn't it. All the memories, the 'what could have been's' etc. We'd planned a future and now it's gone. I've sacrificed and put so much effort into this and that's what makes me unsure and doubt myself. But he won't change. I know he won't.

I'm happy I'm still young and have plenty of time to find someone and be happy, and I'm glad it's only 2 years not 20 I've wasted, but I'm constantly having wobbles. He only left 2 weeks ago but the contact hasn't made it feel real until I've told him it's done now so it's still very fresh.

I've done the right thing, right?

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 27/09/2023 20:51

As soon as he stole from you that was the the cut off point.

Honestly OP he's a loser and well done for finally getting rid of him.

LastHives · 27/09/2023 20:53

Congratulations on calling a halt to this. Self preservation is vital and although it will be difficult at first you already know you can do better.

StarDolphins · 27/09/2023 20:54

100% the right thing. Just 1 of those things would be it for me. You’ve dodged a bullet there & you’re way too good for him.

Rainbowqueeen · 27/09/2023 20:55

Op you have given yourself the gift of a happy future by dumping this loser. It was absolutely the right thing. Please delete and block.

You might find the freedom programme useful to understand why it lasted 2 years and how to spot red flags in the future. DD will be fine and so will you

Gabiabbi · 27/09/2023 20:57

100% the right thing. Massive bullet-dodge. You'll read this back in a few months time and be eternally thankful you stood your ground!

zeibesaffron · 27/09/2023 21:09

You have absolutely done the right thing - it will be hard but you will get there and find a life that’s amazing for you and your DC.

He is a liar, cheat, manipulator and a thief. Please make sure you change the locks and don’t look back xx

tsmainsqueeze · 27/09/2023 21:09

You have totally done the right thing ! don't doubt yourself for a second , your life will be so much better without this untrustworthy liar in it .

AlfredaTheGrape · 27/09/2023 21:10

I didn't need to even read the whole post to know that of course you have! Well done.

Natty13 · 27/09/2023 21:18

You're the mother of a daughter. Do you want her growing up and finding a man who steals from her and sleeps with other women because she doesn't think she is worth anything more? She is watching and learning from you....and she will repeat what you show her.

Thepossibility · 27/09/2023 21:33

He is just trash!

Original poster
FreshStartAgain23 · 27/09/2023 22:08

I needed this - thank you all for the reassurance! It's going to be hard because I'm so many ways he was lovely but obviously in so many more ways he was awful and an all round bad person but I suppose it's all rose tinted glasses isn't it. I saw what I wanted to see, not what he was showing me.

It's quite amicable, there isn't and hasn't ever been any proper shouting etc just disagreements, he was never physical and is quite calm so it's never been fuel-filled as such but none of that is an excuse. He's still a shitty person.

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 27/09/2023 22:09

Oh he is AWFUL! Please, please don't ever be tempted to take him back.

Can I place a bet on him never paying his way? Let me guess... he moved into your place and hardly pays anything. He eats all the food. You bought the bed etc for his daughter. You spend most of the time with his daughter, when she's there.

Salol28 · 27/09/2023 22:14

You are 100% doing the right thing. Be with a man who is a good example to your daughter, a man you would want as her step Dad. Don't settle for anything less. He seems like a waste of time! Stay strong. X

209448spp · 27/09/2023 22:14

You did the right thing! You deserve so much better you really do! You’ll be okay OP x

Catsafterme · 27/09/2023 23:00

He may have been alright in some ways but does the good outweigh the bad?

I'm always dubious about guys who are willing to leech off of their partners financially. I don't know how they can feel okay with that, I couldn't.

Especially as he had debt too, that shows he can't manage his own finances and that would of eventually spiralled and dragged you into it too.

I would hazard a guess that he's now bricking it because he hasn't got you to fleece any more.

Loubelle70 · 27/09/2023 23:50

Yes OP you've done the right thing. I think he was cheating again. He let you go easily.

Neverseenthatmuchjunkinthetrunkbefore · 28/09/2023 03:20

He is a creep. Imagine having to live with a padlock on your purse just in case. His debt is WAY bigger than he will have admitted. I am amazed the poor love didn’t fancy doing any housework in the three hours spare before you got home.

All those ‘could have been’ were never ‘going to be’ with this loser. It’s a shame, but move onward.

ZekeZeke · 28/09/2023 04:39

This POS has lied, cheated and stolen from you and your child. Remember that when he comes crawling back which I bet he will.

His ego won't be able to accept that you dumped him.

He will promise you that he will change, he won't!

fruitypancake · 28/09/2023 06:31

💯

KandieKaine · 28/09/2023 06:37

Well done for getting rid of a potential cock lodger .

HazelBite · 28/09/2023 06:57

He's a user, he actually probably doesn't like you much (he obviously doesn't respect you) because he is evidently the most important person in his life and uses those around him to suit him and his lifestyle. He is probably more upset than you to finish as he has lost his comfy lifestyle.

Festivfrenzy · 28/09/2023 07:11

Congratulations on your new freedom! Just remember this was him on best behaviour as well. Just imagine 5-10 years down the track - lucky escape!!

Original poster
FreshStartAgain23 · 28/09/2023 14:17

Thanks everyone.

Feeling a bit wobbly again today. I wake up and it's like a dark cloud over my head which changes my mood. Luckily I work with fantastic people so they cheer me up and being a single parent to a toddler, I'm always busy which is helping too.

Feel like I'm forever wondering what he's doing, thinking about, who he's with etc, how he's feeling.. I know I'll get over it and stop even thinking about it with time but currently it's all that's on my mind.

OP posts:
Catsafterme · 28/09/2023 14:24

Just been through all of that phase, it will become less over time. Try keep yourself positive.

ClawedButler · 28/09/2023 14:26

It's natural to grieve for a relationship - but bear in mind that part of you is grieving for the relationship you wish you had, not the real one that was marred with cheating and theft.